Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be confused and hurt over no invite

253 replies

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 20/05/2023 18:19

I have been friends with a group of women since my teens. We generally stay in touch via social media / WhatsApp and meet a few times a year locally.
We are all approaching (or are over!) a big birthday this year. I opened FB this morning to find a post from one of the group thanking “all her friends for the best birthday party ever” and loads of photos of them all in her garden celebrating. Obvs I didn’t get the memo…or an invite!
Ive spoken to a few of them over the last few weeks and obviously not one of them mentioned it. Even stranger, I’m due to meet birthday girl for lunch this week and prior to today she’s been behaving completely normally.

The adult in me really just wants to forget it and focus on people in my life who actually want me there. But the inner 13 year old in my head is raging and crying over this and this apparent rejection! And I’m going over and over in my head about what I could have possibly done to be snubbed like that.

So WWYD?

  1. Forget, block and move on
  2. Meet birthday girl for lunch as planned and say nothing?
  3. Meet birthday girl and find out how your invite got so lost in the post…

Thank you!

OP posts:
Shiningstar80 · 20/05/2023 20:35

Ninjama1 · 20/05/2023 20:30

@YouShouldBeDancingYeah are you in the habit of meeting up with birthday girl on your own then ? If so then could this maybe be a reason for it? ie that you are seeing her on a one to one and that is more special as it were?

Dont agree with this at all. How can she feel ‘special’ ?? They are All supposed to be friends so surely all friends together would have been nice? No way. She needs to dump them as friends. I would

Shiningstar80 · 20/05/2023 20:37

Riapia · 20/05/2023 19:57

For me it would have to be 1

My thoughts would be that it was done for a reason.
I would never be able to be comfortable in their company again, whatever the excuse they gave.

Totally agree. It’s a nasty thing to do and if they clearly all discussed the party and deliberately kept it hidden, what else are they discussing behind her back??

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 20/05/2023 20:38

I'd say something to her for sure!

winterchills · 20/05/2023 20:39

I would be feeling exactly the same! I would go with number 1 delete and block!

AxolotlEars · 20/05/2023 20:40

AthenaMinerva · 20/05/2023 18:25

Definitely ask. But not in a "I was so hurt" way, more a "Look, I've always thought we were fairly good friends so I was a bit surprised to see you'd had a big party and not invited me. Are we not that good friends really?". Her reaction will tell you everything.

This

ALittleBitAhAh · 20/05/2023 20:40

Tophy124 · 20/05/2023 19:52

I’d do neither of those options and instead message this today

‘Hey friend! I saw on FB you had a party and all the other girls were there. I’m feeling a bit hurt I wasn’t invited and wondering if I’ve done something to upset someone? I can’t think why else I wouldn’t have been included. I hope that you did have a good birthday!’

And then I would step back and wait. I would want a decent explanation of why I wasn’t included and if I didn’t get one I’d say

‘Oh ok. I think I’m going to have to miss lunch this week, but catch up soon!’

and then I wouldn’t message again. DO NOT HE AFRAID TO CALL OUT ASSHOLE BEHAVIOUR!!

This is exactly the approach I would take 👍

rebbles1 · 20/05/2023 20:40

I wasn't invited to my own brother's wedding so this all seems small fry compared to that 🤣

rebbles1 · 20/05/2023 20:43

Would also be inclined to back off of relationship as even if it was a surprise and someone forgot to invite you you would think she would ask the organiser why you weren't there. The fact no one has mentioned it seems deliberate to me.

Summerfun54321 · 20/05/2023 20:48

I wouldn't even stew on it. Just a quick message saying "gutted to have missed your big birthday, think there was a mix up as I didn't get an invite". Then it's on her to fret about it and how to reply to you. There's no way I'd worry about it and gear myself up for a face to face discussion where you have to put on an act. That approach sounds horrid for you. It's so much less painless to be upfront.

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 20:49

Message her today, whilst it’s fresh. The longer you leave it, the more awkward it will be.

MrsPerfect12 · 20/05/2023 20:50

Do you have a regular group chat? If so and nothing about this party was mentioned in it then this was planned by them all.
i wouldn't put anything in a group chat, you'll get radio silence. They all knew and said nothing - they're not your friends.

i'd message the birthday girl only and let her explain. Then drop them all.

It sucks I'm sorry. X

DahliaBlue · 20/05/2023 20:50

You have to find out why. So meet up with her and ask. If you are not satisfied with response, gradually withdraw from friendship group. If you are satisfied, suck it up and carry on as normal. All seems very odd but there could be a reason so don' t abandon the friendship just yet

sweetdreamstenasee · 20/05/2023 20:51

anyone in the friendship group that you are particularly close and trust that you with you could ask?

sweatervest · 20/05/2023 20:53

I've been in a similar position recently. And I asked. And I still would have regretted it more if I hadn't asked. Look after yourself and even if you get a flakey answer then you're putting the ball in her court as your court is a ball free zone. So to speak.

ShandaLear · 20/05/2023 20:55

Just message and say, “I’m hurt I wasn’t invited to your birthday party when everyone else was, and had clearly been told not to discuss it with me. Your Facebook post caught me completely unawares and while you can invite who you want to your own party, you clearly deliberately hid it.

I’m going to cancel our planned lunch and consider how to move on from what I thought was a good friendship.”

MayThe4th · 20/05/2023 20:58

Another possibility is that one of the other friends was doing the inviting, and said other friend has told your friend that you weren’t able to come, instead she never actually invited you.

I would just flat out ask “so how come I wasn’t invited to your party then?” If she’s a good friend you should be able to ask her. If you don’t feel able to ask then she’s not really that good a friend.

I don’t do blocking people. IMO it’s juvanile. You can pull back if you want to without having to resort to blocking people like kids in the playground.

Ninjama1 · 20/05/2023 20:58

Shiningstar80 · 20/05/2023 20:35

Dont agree with this at all. How can she feel ‘special’ ?? They are All supposed to be friends so surely all friends together would have been nice? No way. She needs to dump them as friends. I would

Show quote history

Yes you are right about all of them - they did hide it.

Thighlengthboots · 20/05/2023 20:59

So sorry OP but this was deliberate. She lied to you about how she was spending her birthday and even IF it was a surprise party organised by one of your mutual friends, it wouldn’t have been planned to happen in her own garden as it was meant to be a surprise, hence it would have happened elsewhere.

Unless you have fallen out somehow which I think you’d have remembered this sounds to me like just general nasty bitchiness on their part. If you always usually do things together then it’s definitely a snub.

I am so sorry - you deserve much better friends and I would do 3 but be very aware 1 would follow shortly afterwards.

kessiebird · 20/05/2023 21:01

This happened on my best friend's big birthday surprise party. Invites were issued by her sister and husband and they left someone off who was hurt. Best friend found out before the party and asked her to come but she refused.

Jpgflowerscollection · 20/05/2023 21:03

I think by letting go and not having the lunch you leave it Completely in the friend's court. If friend misses you or there was a mix up with the invite to the party, friend will get in touch about it. But think it's more likely you deliberately weren't invited if there has been no chat about it in the WhatsApp group or no-one messaging you to say they were sorry you couldn't make it. It's really sad when friendships end but that is part of life and their absence will.make room for others.

NeedToThinkOfOne · 20/05/2023 21:08

DelurkingAJ · 20/05/2023 18:55

DH once arranged a surprise party for me. Luckily he ran the list past my sister, who spotted several glaring omissions. Could it be that kind of thing?

Similarly, my friend’s DH had arranged a party, copied down numbers quickly from her phone. None of us mentioned the party to each other as we were keeping secret. A few days before I asked him if everyone was coming- we realised together he’d sent to the wrong numbers and it was for two of our friendship group who would have been absolutely gutted not to be invited. I’m hoping it’s a similar situation- just an oversight- for you OP.

Carriemac · 20/05/2023 21:09

That is perfect

Mrsknowitall · 20/05/2023 21:09

She had 2 reasons one because I had 2 small children so thought I wouldn’t have the money and the other reason was so my sister had someone there she knows! 😂 I have a very good support network around me and my parents would of had my kids it seems you have kids and get forgotten about 🤷‍♀️

Issania87 · 20/05/2023 21:10

I would definitely have to ask, but I would do it before meeting for lunch.

I'd ask if I had done something to upset her, as I saw she had a party and I wasn't invited. A yes answer means you can address the issue, and a no answer could mean it was accidental. Either way, you can have all the info and decide if you still want to meet for lunch.

saraclara · 20/05/2023 21:18

So many emotional, and girly suggestions on here.

I'd just channel my inner bloke and say "What? You had a birthday party and I missed it?!"