To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

[Lifeswhatyoumakeit73]

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

It is a bit babying them. My DD is 13 and would die of embarrassment if I picked up her from town. We live in a massive city and she gets herself about on buses and trams. In the evening after dark we would pick her up. The 16 and 17 year old never ask!

YANBU. I think your DP was unkind not coming to get you and your daughter. Re your son and buses in the evening/daytime... If my son was anxious to the point of tears, I agree, I would be giving him a lift. It's obviously something that causes him distress and if it was my son I'd try and work with him on it and gradually build up his confidence/ease his worries about it-certainly wouldn't expect him to just get over it and get on with it. Everyone is different and everyone deals with things in different ways, there's no one size fits all.

Plans shouldn't be made unless everyone is aware of who is doing what

Not saying the op did this but it would be unfair for one parent to arrange something then just assume the other is ok to do it

He's being an arse! And honestly I would never judge a child not wanting to get on 2 busses on they're own with the way things are now, I'd rather be safe than sorry when it came to my DC.

Sadly there are so many problems on busses now and unfortunately the bus driver's just can't do anything about it.

When I was at secondary school lots of my friends had to get 2 busses home every day and most of them hated it because there'd be bullying going on on the busses and it could be bloody savage and that was in the day time,sod getting a bus as a teen on a Friday evening on your own.

Yes, you are right.
Your husband should be able to ferry the kids but he also should be in on the decision making about when and where the kids go in the evenings. Your sons should not grow up entitled - without thinking about consequences for others.

They are both young and perhaps they are going to their friends' homes too often or obviously when their parent is very tired or drinking.

The fifteen year old should be able to be taught to travel on a bus up to a reasonable hour at night, alone, or they don't get to visit friends. Life skills are necessary for entering adulthood. You and your husband should teach the kids bus travel.

Does your husband have an untreated anxiety?

If your son suffers from anxiety your dh needs to step up and help out.
I have a son who was exactly the same at his age. By 18 he had learnt how to deal with it but only after many years of therapy and I would say he will never be completely anxiety free.
So whilst he is finding his coping mechanisms he needs support and that should be from both of you.

My DD is 13 and would die of embarrassment if I picked up her from town. We live in a massive city and she gets herself about on buses and trams.

Yes. Here too. We are lucky enough to live in a city with excellent transport links. DS was off to secondary education at 12 that way.

I also went by bus to school from the age of 12. and I'm OLD!

I realise it's where you live though how available public transport is.
Which is why I could never live rural....

This thread is weird.
Me and DH drive our kids to places cos we don't have buses.
It's annoying but until they get their licenses isn't it just part of parenting?

I'm not sure he is in the wrong.

Different parents have different views about how much driving they want to do. Kids don't need to always get to do whatever they want, and shouldn't expect parents owe that to them.

If a kid can take the bus or walk, they can get where they want to go. If they won't bother, they don't care that much.

What a ridiculous analogy.
Your advice to OP that as the risk of her son being in a car accident is greater than the risk of him being stabbed her partner was right to not give him a lift.
What is wrong with MN
not everything is black and white and not all kids are so lucky and amazing people that they can walk the streets of a big city hanging around for buses with not a care in the world.

Examples of how amazing other peoples kids are is not constructive advice.

I would say a little of both.

What was your DP doing while you and DD were out?

I think DS could do with some therapy for his anxiety. It might help him in many areas, not just going on the bus/train. I also think it depends on the time of evening which you haven't mentioned yet.

That said I do think DP is an arse for being so unkind to everyone. It really wouldn't have killed him to get off his arse and do the things sometimes.

What else is he an arse about?

Agreed. Memories like this last.

Christ, if I lived in a full-on city, as OP puts it, I would do everything humanly possible to keep my teenagers safe. As it is, I live in the middle of nowhere with a shitty bus service that finishes at about 6pm and when my kids were that age I had to give every lift with heavy bags/musical instruments/sports gear, do every party pickup and meet every late night train - not to mention every doctors or hospital appointment, every school away fixture, and every emergency ever - because my then dp couldn't drive and wouldn't learn. The dcs learned before he did. So I feel your pain OP and YANBU.

If he refuses and never gives lifts, what made you or the kids think tonight would be different? Regardless of whether he should give lifts, if he doesn’t then the kids must be used to that and not rely on him.

what is his reasoning for not doing it. Does he just outright refuse or does he feel excluded from the planning and treated as a driver or does he drink a lot or what would he say?

I wouldn't give a 15yo a lift somewhere either unless it was a very special event. I'm not a taxi service.

YANBU. My teens can and do navigate our large city on multiple forms of PT. Sometimes we assist depending on the time, the destination etc. Buses are safer than trains here but if 2 buses means hanging around waiting at a bus stop after dark I’d be more inclined to drive them.

If we can’t drive them for whatever reason our kids accept that but refusing because we just can’t be bothered seems a bit mean and, frankly, lazy. DH has come and collected me from the pub many times in the past, it hasn’t impacted my ability to be independent! Its part of being in a loving family that you do nice things for each other. How can you raise kids to be thoughtful and selfless if you routinely refuse to help them?

If there are buses they should use them. If they don't like using buses in the evening then they're not really ready for that level of autononomy.

What level of autonomy?
He only wanted to go to a sleepover at his mates house.

You might have a point if he was trying to go to an all night rave but was afraid of the bus, but he simply wanted to go from his house to sleep at his friends. And I'm sure at 15 that he's ready for that even if he doesn't like buses 😂

To those that have said the best way to get over anxiety is to just do it, I used to agree with this. However, having a DD with anxiety has changed my opinion.
DD was made to participate in something at school last week that had her anxiety through the roof, resulting in a panic attack and 2 days off school afterwards.
Buses are a massive issue for her even through the day so I'm with you op, I'd be giving them a lift.
I'm undecided about your daughter being too tired to walk but regardless, if my DP and child couldn't get a taxi I'd go and collect them, surely it's just a considerate thing to do for someone.

😂😂 shock horror

Have you never had an alcoholic drink in the presence of a child?

Wine with dinner?
Family party?
Events?

The OP never said she was shitfaced at a race with an eleven year old. Just that she'd been drinking therefore wasn't able to drive the car

Rave *

Your DH is selfish. People minimising and mocking your son's anxiety aren't even worth addressing. I ferried my teens about, picked them up at night when they were teens. I live in London and a lot of madness happens on buses/streets here. Especially with boys. I don't know why people are pretending its oh so safe. I hope when your husband needs help and your DCs don't help him, he realises that it serves him right.

Probably because he doesn’t want to get jacked for his trainers, or worse still, shanked, by a gang.

Why couldn’t you and your DD have used public transport? And surely it would have been fine for your 15 year old DS to use buses too. Doesn’t he get himself to and from school?

I have a niece like this , she was told to get the bus from town to go to xxx to get to GP house , she pulled a face and actually said I don't want get on an 00 bus .
She does not want to travel with hoi polloi . My sisters fault .
I think your husband maybe wanted to spend a rare(?) night in on his own .

I don't know...at that age I had to walk or catch a bus. We didn't have a car.