To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

[Lifeswhatyoumakeit73]

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

Out of curiosity- what was the plan? You and DD were going to a gallery (even though she was ‘fucking knackered’)… had you planned a way of getting home? And that flopped? Or did you go and then just expect to DH to come get you as soon as you called without discussing it first?

@TheShade its not about your perception of what’s unsafe. It’s about the fact that my DS was upset as he felt unsafe (it’s dodgy after dark in our city) & my DD was upset as she was tired. I’d drop everything - my DP refused to drop everything.

Depends on the locale, surely?

Bus at 9pm in my village to next town no bother, it's safe and quiet

The next bus at 9:50 to the city, and arriving at 10:30? Not a fucking chance would I send a 15yo

I’m with you OP.
As a parent with an anxious-after-dark kid, you do what you have to do.
As for your daughter, I can recall being absolutely wiped out after a week full on at school. She might need to toughen up, build stamina but that will come in the fullness of time. A loving Dad in my opinion, would have picked you both up.
Glad you’re back safely.

@TAmum3 yes, we were going to fry a cab but we couldn’t get one for ages. Like an hour as town was busy.

I mean eam, I know that this misses the point, but why did you take her in the first place if she's so exhausted?

@00100001 because it was her mates parents gallery & it was something nice after SATS. I didn’t factor in getting stuck!

Does he expect the rest of the family to inconvenience themselves for him? Does anything get done purely for his benefit? Stop doing it.

11 year old crying because of a walk on a Friday is too much.
15 year old crying because of taking a bus, also too much.

You say you drop everything for them when they are upset/tired.
I suspect they realise this too.

Your husband doesn't. Which is fine.

If a 15 year old is allowed to take the bus in the evenings, then its up to him if he wants to do that or not, if a lift is not being offered.

Being in a car has it's own risks. Anything can happen at any time but we must get on with life.

They dont want to do certain things and cry til you make it more comfortable for them...

What time is ‘night time’ for your 15yr old OP? Do you mean he wanted to head out for the sleepover around now (late - a lift would be required) or was it before 9pm (still light, perfectly acceptable to get the bus)?

Does your partner ever need a lift?

I lived in a city when I was a teen (many, many years ago) Mostly I was safe quite late getting home on my own, but if ever there was a problem my father never hesitated to come and get me

Did DS ask his dad for a lift before making plans with his mates? Or did he assume he’d get a lift without checking?

Spot on

What time was he mant to be out-couldnt he get the bus while it was still light?

the more you keep ferrying him about the worse he will become about going out alone

Exactly what I was going to ask, did he just announce this plan out of the blue rather than asking in advance before saying he’s go to a friends house? What time was it, it’s staying quite light until fairly late now.

I think 11 and 15 year olds both crying about not getting lifts is a bit melodramatic- I’m imagining your DH thinks the same, some independence will do the 15 year old good.

It's quite hard for strangers to know from this one off snap shot if your husband is a selfish arsehole or if the 3 of you are complete wimps. Crying is somewhat strange for those ages, upset/disappointed maybe, but crying?

I'm wondering which city, because I managed to get round Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool and London on my own at night last year, not familiar with any of them before and I didn't see anything untoward.
My nearest city is Glasgow and Dd regularly travelled home from there at 15.
Your 15yr old needs help at dealing with his anxiety ASAP, and your daughter needs to not cry at the drop of a hat, or you do all the ferrying.

So surely it’s even more important to build independence, not continue to encourage the dependency and feed the idea that something dreadful will happen on a bus?

@Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 ignore all the mumsnetter who live in very safe cities where no-one ever gets drunk, and who have perfect children who never get tired or suffer from anxiety.

Your husband is a selfish arsehole.

If your 15 year old doesn't feel it's safe to travel on a bus at night due to drunk people or groups of young people fair enough. If it's because he's "anxious" you need to deal with his anxiety before it becomes a massive problem. Pandering to anxiety feeds it. He needs strategies to manage it - avoiding things that make you anxious makes it worse. I say this as someone with a serious anxiety disorder. You need to nip that shit in the bud before it beds in.

And likewise your 11 year old should be able to walk 2 miles even after a "hard week".

My overall take away from your post is that you sound as if you are pandering too much to your children and running around too much for them.

It won't do them any favours in later life.

Your partner is a twat as are the people saying you are being unreasonable. They obviously don't live in a city or have a 15 year old. I would be very pissed off if my husband didn't share the driving of my 4 teenagers to places when they were anxious or there was no public transport/taxis.

I'm leaning towards your DH with this.

Driving kids home is part of parenting teenagers, in my book. I'd prefer that than them making a stupid decision to jump in someone's car boot, or in a car of an inexperienced driver who was also drunk. While living in the city has some advantages in terms of transport, teens are still teens and can be prone to making stupid, impulsive decisions (especially teen boys).

This, 100%