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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

388 replies

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:21

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 19/05/2023 22:42

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:40

@Radiodread sorry, an odd tone. It’s a city full of pissheads etc- what’s odd about my 15 year old being a bit anxious?

If your 15 year old is so anxious they can’t get a. Bus they probably shouldn’t be out

grayhairdontcare · 19/05/2023 22:44

At 15 your teenager needs to be more independent and get the bus.
It's daylight till quite late so now is the perfect time to help with his anxiety.

Your 11 year old needs to do more physical activity if they cry because they have to walk on a Friday.

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:44

@FurAndFeathers he gets a bus in the day. He’s just not keen at night. It’s a full on city. I get the anxiety!

OP posts:
Radiodread · 19/05/2023 22:45

Personally, yes, I think it's unreasonable if there are frequent buses. You can't go through life avoiding things because you're anxious. That way madness lies... I will sometimes take my same age daughter if she asks me in advance otherwise I might be busy and she will need to make her own way.

The kid who doesn't want to walk... Who does, if there is an alternative? Unless there is a backstory and your DH is always ringing you for lifts, maybe he just expects.more independence. I wouldn't expect someone to come and pick me up cos I didn't plan my journey home :/

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:45

Jesus, mumsnet is fucking batshit sometimes.

OP posts:
Whapples · 19/05/2023 22:47

I used to get very upset and say I was tired when I had to do long walks when I was younger. Turns out I’ve been disabled my whole life, only diagnosed as an adult. Actually know quite a few people who had similar experiences. Think it’s perfectly reasonable to pick up your wife and child in the evening if asked.

also think it’s a good idea to give lifts to teens instead of them taking the bus on a Friday night. Our area can be quite rough and it’s not a risk worth taking when there is an alternative.

JediIsMyMaster · 19/05/2023 22:47

I do think parents have some kind of responsibility to facilitate their kids’ social lives if they can’t access things by themselves because of where the parents have chosen to live e.g. if the parents live very rurally, no public transport, and the kids’ friends all live in the nearest town I’d think they should get lifts

I’d be worried about a 15 year old crying because they’re scared of the bus. That doesn’t sound like typical behaviour and I’d be facilitating them getting help for their anxiety rather than worrying about lifts.

TAmum3 · 19/05/2023 22:48

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:45

Jesus, mumsnet is fucking batshit sometimes.

This is a joke surely? When no one agrees with you, everyone else is batshit crazy? Maybe that glass of wine at the gallery is blurring your vision…
i think it’s batshit to ask if YABU but then not accept it when everyone says you are 😂

Radiodread · 19/05/2023 22:49

Batshit, or, you know, we just do parenting differently....

00100001 · 19/05/2023 22:50

My DH would never let me and a 11yo girl walk across a city at night alone if he was capable of picking us up. He'd say "wait in McDonald's/cafe/pub/gallery and I'll come and get you" or similar.

Radiodread · 19/05/2023 22:50

My comment about the tone was because to be honest it sounds a bit like you're the stroppy teen cruelly forced to take public transport, rather than the parent.....

Liorae · 19/05/2023 22:51

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:44

@FurAndFeathers he gets a bus in the day. He’s just not keen at night. It’s a full on city. I get the anxiety!

Maybe he picks the anxiety up from you.

00100001 · 19/05/2023 22:52

So weird that 80% and of people are saying YANBU, but pretty much everyone commenting is saying YABU Confused

ImAvingOops · 19/05/2023 22:53

He sounds selfish - I can't imagine staying with a man who refused to come get me or the kids if we couldn't get a taxi. Actually, my dh would pick us up so we didn't have to get a taxi!
Any yes, it's perfectly okay for a 15 year old to get anxious about taking a bus at night, when all the pissheads are out and a good father would want to protect them from that environment anyway.
I think you should reassess this relationship - you are all just being told that you aren't important enough for him to put himself out to make life easier for you. Why would you accept that for yourself and your children?
And yes, he's going to reap what he sows - his kids won't be inclined to bother with him once they leave home.

endofthelinefinally · 19/05/2023 22:53

My boys were mugged so many times on buses at around that age I lost count. We had a rule that friends stayed over at our house rather than travel home alone at night.
They were pretty independent most of the time, but if they were worried I took it seriously and picked them up.
Refusing to come and help your family member when they are stuck and can't get a taxi is lazy and mean. IMO.

MichelleScarn · 19/05/2023 22:54

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:34

@Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon and I am the full time driver normally. DS has anxiety & doesn’t like travelling about the city alone after a certain time. I get it! Hence DP should take him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you just pissed off DH wont do as he's told?
Why can't you and 11 yo get the bus? If you're being all judgy, Are you admitting you chose to drink wine rather than ensure your children's safety?...

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:54

It’s a city at night. Parts of it are quite rough. I totally get that my DS isn’t that keen to travel accross it on a bus on his own. Feels like responsible parenting to give him a lift.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 19/05/2023 22:55

I’m on your side, OP: the car is a shared family resource. Your DP is refusing to take care of others when the other adult (you) requested help.

As for those who feel that DP is right: Even if he wants to encourage your DS with taking night time buses this does not have to be done this time or it never happens. Maybe dp should go with him all or half way a few times? There are tons of ways of helping a person get over anxiety thst do not include throwing them in off the deep end.

romdowa · 19/05/2023 22:55

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:44

@FurAndFeathers he gets a bus in the day. He’s just not keen at night. It’s a full on city. I get the anxiety!

I get it. I'm a woman in my mid 30s and I'd be nervous getting a bus in my city at night. It's very rough.

Megifer · 19/05/2023 22:56

I'm with you op i wouldn't want my 15 y/o getting buses on their own where we live. Not a chance.

Yes its part of parenting, your DP sounds like a proper dick.

ManxRhyme · 19/05/2023 22:56

I don't think it's unreasonable for a 15 year old boy to not want to take a bus through a city at night on a Friday, knowing full well there will be groups of adults who are in various stages of inebriation on the bus, in the city and at the station where he will need to change buses.
It would be different if he was doing it in a group, or in the day before the usual Friday night drinking starts in the city. Frankly, I wouldn't want to make that trip and I'm a middle aged woman.

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:58

And my 11 year old is fucking knackered after a week in school. We did walk back in the end & she’s knackered. We couldn’t fry the bus as it would have taken ages as the next bus was 30 mins wait. We did walk the 2 miles in the end.

OP posts:
00100001 · 19/05/2023 22:58

MN is a strange place where a 15yo is a child who can't be expected to be alone in the house for 3 hours, because what if something dreadful happened like a meteorite hits the garden and sends a spark to an open window and the curtain catches fire... but is perfectly fine to be on city buses alone at night where no-one ever gets mugged or intimated at all ever...Confused

TheShade · 19/05/2023 23:02

15, getting the bus to friends house and an 11yo, out with her mum. Neither of these situations are unsafe for the kid/teen

YABU

00100001 · 19/05/2023 23:03

MichelleScarn · 19/05/2023 22:54

Are you just pissed off DH wont do as he's told?
Why can't you and 11 yo get the bus? If you're being all judgy, Are you admitting you chose to drink wine rather than ensure your children's safety?...

Show quote history

So you'd be fine with YOUR 15yo waiting for the bus in the dark at a bus stop in a city at night whilst drunk people are passing by and possibly aggressive or looking to mug young lads who are alone in town?

Or would you want to go and pick them up?

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