To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

[Lifeswhatyoumakeit73]

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

as a general point, of course as a parent you give your teens lifts and pick them up sometimes. He sounds selfish. I can’t stay up so my husband does the 1am pickups. He doesn’t want our daughter getting an Uber back alone at that time.

I couldn't be arsed with all the tiredness and crying. I expect my DDs to make their own arrangements or ask for a lift in advance rather than treat us as a taxi service. They can walk to most places locally, crying over 2 miles is ridiculous and DS should have asked about a lift before committing to going out at a time that makes him cry or gone earlier.

My dh and I ferry our 14 yo dd around. We want her to be safe. She does walk a lot. But we wouldn’t want her taking the bus alone at night. I took the train alone from when I was 16 from the pub as I had mates in a different town after I changed schools for A levels. I wouldn’t be ok for dd to do that. There were many drunk men and looking back it was pretty scary, especially as I was pretty drunk myself. I was just lucky nothing happened to me. I had lots of bravado and warded men off. I wonder if my mother had any idea of the danger. She collected me from the train the other end so it’s not as if she didn’t care.

I'm on the fence with this one.

In my house you check with others before making plans. If 15yo was reliant on a lift home then he should have checked with his dad that he was OK to get a lift home. Otherwise he has 2 choices - don't make the outward journey at all OR accept that it's a 2 bus journey home. Frankly if its that unsafe that YOU don't want him catching 2 busses then YOU should stay sober enough to give a lift home. In these circumstances I don't think I'd be happy letting him out after dark anyway, can't he meet his mates at the weekend in daylight?

Secondly, without SEN it's unusual for an 11yo to cry about walking home. You'd had a drink, you couldn't get a cab, what about busses? Let's say the walk was an hour, that's what, 3 miles at a push?

I'd be pissed off if my teenage son had made plans with his mates and expected a lift home late at night without asking in advance. I'd be doubly pissed off if my partner had dragged my 11yo out, had a drink, couldn't get a cab and expected me to pick her up because she couldn't get a bus or wait for another taxi. So much for city living if the transport options are so shit.

You've all made plans where the default travel plan involves your partner rescuing you. Be more resilient.

*of course, in an emergency I'd drop everything and collect. But this isn't an emergency, it's shit planning.

Posted too soon. Your partner has been a complete arse. My dh would have picked you up and dropped your ds off. He might have complained a bit that he was tired. But he never refuses.

Same as my ex dh. Would never do lifts and even now the kids know not to ask on the weekends they are with him. One of many reasons why we split.

I think fair enough for the 11 year old, they are still quite young. But a 15 year old should be able to get a bus at night by themselves, regardless of it being a rough city. Most places are a bit rough at night, that's life! Yes it might be a bit scary, but that's how children learn to grow up and be resilient.

Not unreasonable at all OP and cities can be dangerous at night, I say this growing up in London knowing what I know about being a teen in London! All this false bravado from other posters is weird IMO. Parts of Mumsnet will be pissed off you've not sent your kids down the mines yet 😄And the failure of some posters to answer your actual question is weird too. Of course your DH is being a complete asshole and taking the piss and I'd bet your 11 yr old is more upset that your DH couldn't give a shit about him than he is about the walking aspect.

Problem is OP too many MNs live in very nice areas and wouldn't think twice about a 15 year old getting home. DH works with young offenders in a psychiatric capacity, we live near a large town where two under 16s have been stabbed in the last month, one has life changing injuries, he had nothing to do with local gangs he was robbed/mugged and when he wasn't which remote getting his watch off they stabbed him. The other incidents involved a machete.
I'd absolutely be picking DS up at 15.
I also work in CJ. We see the reality of what is going on.

*quick enough not which remote!

YABU.

It can’t even have been that late if your DS was on his way to a friend’s house, it’s light until 9pm and the buses are hardly filled with pissed up people at that time in the evening.

And when did he ask for a lift? A lesson learned if he made plans without checking first that it’s polite to ask in advance before assuming he can get a lift.

What are you doing to work on this anxiety? By siding with your DS that he needs a lift you’re fuelling his idea that there’s something to be anxious about.

I think there are too many factors to really know. What time of night? How far? Does DS have a a phone if he gets in trouble? Did he ask beforehand? What was DH doing? Is DS street smart? How dangerous is the route?

2 miles is only 40 min. My DS is 5, and sometimes he's tired but I get him to walk a mile anyway, so at 11 I'd be confused if he couldn't manage 2 miles. Just chat and distract. Or sit in a cafe for half an hour sharing a bit of cake and then get the bus home, even a tired 11yo could do that easily.

Where do you live that the city isn't safe for a 15yo on the bus? I think you need to get DS planning better to travel with friends, or to go earlier, or to agree a lift up-front, rather than weeping through the house at the last minute.

All that said, my dad would have taken us anywhere as kids, and it seems a bit odd that your DH has decided to stop parenting.

So you're all unreasonable.

I agree, I'm afraid.

Also with the poster who asked why you're all making plans and then expecting him to be the taxi driver. Surely if you want him to give lifts, the polite thing is to ask in advance? If he refuses, you can then change your plans or not go.

YABU. I'm a lone parent and I can't drive, so ferrying DS around has never been an option. He uses his legs, gets the bus/train or uber just like I do. I think it's good for independence to learn to use public transport as a teen. If he's going to be out really late at a friend's or something I arrange for him to stay over and then make his way back in the morning, or I sort a taxi/uber for him and pay for it. All of his mates live in the same town as us.

We walked 40 minutes each way to and from primary school every day since he was 4 years old as well. A lot of kids (and adults) are lazy nowadays because they're not used to walking and get driven everywhere.

You said it yourself though. You don't have buses, so that's different. As a non driver, I purposely chose to live somewhere where there is great public transport. It's not "part of parenting" for me.

Yep. Either this or totally unable to imagine others live differently.

North london - yes fine.
East london - i wouldnt fancy it.
Outer manchester where my DH grew up - no chance. Its ferral at night even for adults.

You DH is being lazy and ridiculous and his kids will resent him for it

Your DH sounds like a bit of a prick, but a 15 yo should be able to get a bus on his own.

Presented with a grip this made me laugh hahaha

I agree

@Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 I get it. There are teens being stabbed not far from my area of a city suburb. Deaths have occurred. @Totalwasteofpaper is right. No chance.

A 15YO wanting to keep safe is not a cry baby. I've driven a 15 mile round trip because my DS was too scared to get back home after a bullying episode on public transport that evening.

Yes, your DH should step up. Or put his hand in his pocket and get a taxi for them.

YANBU but for your children’s sake I’d knock the drinking in the head and be available to drive.

If DS had to get a bus in the city, surely you could have got the same bus home?

What time were you going home v him going to his friends? You could have met him and got the second bus with him.

You ask for a lift before you agree plans. You don't expect it afterwards.

On the fence with the level of detail you've provided.

If your DH takes the view that he's not willing to drive his kids anywhere to enable their lives then I think that's unreasonable. Putting yourself out to help your kids is part of parenting.

If your 15yr old arrived home from school and expected to get a lift over to a friend's house in the early evening with no prior arrangement because he doesn't like getting the bus then I think DH is not unreasonable to say no (I would probably still do it, personally, but I don't think it's unreasonable to not always be at your teen's beck and call).

Situation with 11 yr old a bit different because you had a plan which didn't work. On the other hand, it's really annoying going out when you think you are in for the night!

There's a balance isn't there. It's not good for (particularly teenage) kids to think that their parents exist purely to cater to their whims with no agency of their own. But never helping your kid out with lifts also doesn't sit right with me. You want to be developing independence; you also want them to feel they can count on you (and you'll be there in a crisis).

It sounds like both kids have learned to manipulate mummy with tears and daddy is tired of that crap.