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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

388 replies

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:21

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

OP posts:
ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 19/05/2023 23:44

Fecking hell , that's DH only job!. I deal with all their emotional drama, he runs them back and forth
He likes doing it (good dad!)!

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 19/05/2023 23:47

Arrangements should have been made in advance.

ClairDeLaLune · 19/05/2023 23:50

15 year olds are getting stabbed in cities. So your DP, and the posters pouring scorn on your DS, ABVU and frankly dickheads.

TakeInIroning · 19/05/2023 23:53

I understand your 15 year old boy being annoyed about having to get the bus but crying!

I don't understand a healthy 11 year old crying because they didn't want to walk two miles. I thought you were going to say it was a 7 mile walk.

Lots of crying-their bladders are too close to their eyes. I'd be knocking that on the head. Your DP probably feels as if he is living in a Greek tragedy with all this wailing going on.

JudgeRudy · 19/05/2023 23:56

I'm on the fence here. At their age (certainly 15) I don't think it is a parent's job to ferry kids around to enable their social life. That's not to say I wouldn't ever give them a lift/collect them but it would have to he for a specific/special occasion, not the default. It certainly wouldn't be happening several times a week.
If there are buses they should use them. If they don't like using buses in the evening then they're not really ready for that level of autononomy. I also don't think older children should be taxied simply because it's cold, wet, dark. If it's under a couple of miles they can walk.
So I'm on your husbands side. He's not leaving it all to you and shirking his responsibilities, you are chosing to be a taxi service.

Fooksticks · 19/05/2023 23:57

OP you're getting a hard time here, but I would also be driving my 15 yo at night if they asked.

Your dh just doesn't sound like a nice person. What other things does he just not do for the family?

My own dh collects me from the train station sometimes because I don't like walking home alone in the dark! I'm perfectly capable of walking, so does that mean he shouldn't?

MN is full of hard arsed people, but as a parent, I'd always do whatever I could to make my DC life a bit easier.

Sunshinegirl82 · 19/05/2023 23:58

My Dad would ferry me about all over the place as a teenager, it wasn't pandering, he just wanted me to safe!

I seem to have managed to develop into an independent, functional adult in spite of all the lifts.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP, I'd pick up a flat mate if they were knackered and couldn't get a taxi because it's a nice thing to do. To sit at home whilst your wife and child walk home whilst knackered feels pretty cold and uncaring to me.

What is he like generally? I'd hazard a guess that this isn't the only thing he can be a bit shit about?

Diyextension · 19/05/2023 23:58

I used to walk 2 miles to and from school every day when I was eleven. Don’t think I cried once 🙂

JudgeRudy · 19/05/2023 23:58

Dotcheck · 19/05/2023 22:25

Yep- all he is teaching them is that they are not important to him.
They’ll pay him back one day

Or maybe that their need to see their mates doesn't trump his need to have his own plans.

andifeelfine · 19/05/2023 23:59

If the 15-year-old would cry over the prospect of getting a bus, he shouldn't be going out. I'm not saying he's unreasonable to be upset - perhaps you and/or his mates live in a seriously rough area - but if it's not safe for anyone to be out in that part of town, is it even safe for you to be driving there? Best all around for everyone to give it a pass.

I'd say, as a general rule, DS should be sticking to daytime at the weekends as that seems to be more manageable/safer for your area. However, if there was an issue with the bus, whichever parent was free should be prepared to immediately get him. I don't think it's your and DP's job necessarily to ferry your kids about, but I would agree it's both of your responsibility to keep them safe. That includes being their backup plan when public transport goes wrong.

The 11-year-old is slightly different. For a start, she's younger, and she's female. She will need more ferrying than her brother as she's more at risk.

On this occasion - any reason why you couldn't have got a bus together either than a taxi?

If there was a good reason why she was so tired (medical condition, having just taken part in a sports event, etc) and DP was able but unwilling to get her, then yes, I'd say he was being unreasonable. But it sounds like you could have waited 30 minutes for a bus and you just chose not to do that...? Or was this part of town also unsafe even with the two of you together...?

Rosebel · 19/05/2023 23:59

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:54

It’s a city at night. Parts of it are quite rough. I totally get that my DS isn’t that keen to travel accross it on a bus on his own. Feels like responsible parenting to give him a lift.

So your son could move out /be at uni in 3 years and he can't cope with getting a bus at night? My 16 year old DD frequently gets the bus in the evening and we live in the city. She goes to college /out with her boyfriend and doesn't expect lifts unless she's really stuck.
Think I'd look in to getting help for his anxiety. Giving in to him and providing lifts isn't going to help long term.
If your 11 year old was too tired you shouldn't have taken her out on a Friday night.
I think we baby children far too much. They need to learn independence.

Radiodread · 20/05/2023 00:00

@Pinkandgreentrousers we live in London, so no "safer" that wherever you might live...

In fact I am pretty sure that here is safer than the rural, then suburban, place I grew up. There was no-one to hear you scream there, and a shit tonne of drunken people and a smattering of well known pervs, paedos and drug dealers.

Notamum12345577 · 20/05/2023 00:04

BrutusMcDogface · 19/05/2023 22:31

You were out with your 11 year old and you were drinking? What?

And? She didn’t say she was drunk, or drinking heavily! Nothing wrong with having a drink with an 11 year there

Time4achange2 · 20/05/2023 00:04

Mother of 5 here. I wouldn't want my 17yr old getting the bus after a certain time of day. Agree totally with 11year old if they have had a long week at schl, and don't regularly walk long distances.

OP, your husband needs to get off his arse and share responsibility for parenting your children instead of poshing it all on you. Driving children here and there in teenage years is part of the job. It also keeps a good bond with offspring. Some the most interesting conversations can be had on these journeys especially as parent driving doesn't have head stuck on their phone.

Shocked again at attitude of some on MN.

Time4achange2 · 20/05/2023 00:05

Sp. Pushing not pushing.

TheSmallAssassin · 20/05/2023 00:07

Actually, @andifeelfine , young men are at a greater risk of violent crime than girls.

OP, I think your husband is a git. It's a loving thing to give members of your family a lift if they are tired or it's rainy or dark.

ginsterloo · 20/05/2023 00:08

ClairDeLaLune · 19/05/2023 23:50

15 year olds are getting stabbed in cities. So your DP, and the posters pouring scorn on your DS, ABVU and frankly dickheads.

There are more car accidents than stabbings so going on that maybe he was right in not giving him a lift.

Yfory · 20/05/2023 00:11

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:45

Jesus, mumsnet is fucking batshit sometimes.

Totally!
Yanbu op. Helping a 15yo out with a lift isnt infantilizing them fgs. I wouldnt want to make a two bus journey of an evening through a city......... so it would be unreasonable to expect a teen to do it. And unwise. Hes anxious about it for a reason.

UsingChangeofName · 20/05/2023 00:16

Those talking about getting a bus at night - surely, at the time the 15 yr old was setting off to his mates, it was likely to have been early evening ? This isn't someone getting a bus a midnight.

YABU.

Don't get me wrong, I've spent many an hour over the years taking various dc to places, but we've always worked on the principle that if they want to go somewhere, they have to think about how they are going to get there. Sometimes that option is walking, public transport, going with a friend, and sometimes it is me or dh (at which point we would offer to take friends as it makes no sense to take one individual somewhere a few are going. But being in tears because your dp wasn't able / willing to be his personal chauffeur, is unreasonable.

SemperIdem · 20/05/2023 00:16

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

This is a really good point.

There is probably going to be a whole generation who weren’t quite as adept, confident and independent as their older counterparts were at the same age, because of the pandemic. There’s a lot of work to be done to rectify the damage caused.

I would cut the 15 year old a bit of slack here.

The 11 year old crying because she had to walk, not so much.

I do think your husband has been a bit of a twat this evening, op. However you both need to do some work with your children to build up their confidence around being independent.

What city do you live in that is so rough after dark?

SemperIdem · 20/05/2023 00:17

^aren’t not weren’t

AngryBirdsNoMore · 20/05/2023 00:17

What time are we talking for both events? I think that’s pretty crucial.

7pm - YABU.

11pm - YANBU.

Hoppingmad231 · 20/05/2023 00:21

Maybe you all need to walk take public transport a little more, dd age 11 should not be crying because she has to walk and a 15 year old should beable to get from A to B alone sounds ridiculous!!!

Maebh9 · 20/05/2023 00:26

Loads of parents can't even drive. Or make a sensible decision not to run a car in the city.

Also, if you drive them everywhere they are likely to get fat.

Sunshinegirl82 · 20/05/2023 00:30

But they can drive and do have a car. Presumably, if they were non-driving and non car owning the OP wouldn't have asked her DH for a lift.

This thread is weird.