To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

[Lifeswhatyoumakeit73]

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

Yep.

I think a lot of people commenting either do not live in a rough part of a city where public transport can be scary at night, or are being deliberately shitty and antagonistic.

I don't drive due to disability so use transport more than the average person.

There are certain times and routes I would avoid if at all possible due to common sense. Some journeys can be worlds different depending on the time you take them.

DH wouldn't refuse me or DC a lift if he was available in these circumstances

DH is Police though so sees\ hears of the worst that can happen so is on the protective side.

On the one hand, people are worried about the alarming rates of childhood obesity and anxiety/mental health issues. On the other, they won't let their children walk anywhere or do anything that takes them even a tiny bit out of their comfort zone. Cause and effect, folks,

But presumably if you know you are going at a time or route that is worrying, then you would make a plan to either alter the time or arrange a lift in advance?
it doesn't seem like that is what happened with the OP's son.

If they're so knackered by school, why are you taking them out and about at the weekend instead of persuading them to rest? If your son has enough energy to go to see his friends, he has enough energy to get on a bus. If your daughter has enough energy to go to a public event with you, she has enough energy to walk home.

Yep, all so dramatic, both are soo knackered, bus is aages away, (30 mins), looong walk, (40mins).
I'd put money on it this is the Op's doing and the DH is sick of having to go along with it and said no for once.
Now the Op is having dramatics over sorting it out.
Poor kids, they're being done no favours by their Mum here.

Yabu to suggest being 2 miles away from home is ‘stuck’, don’t be silly.

If you live in a place that has good transport links then no, I don't think it's a parents responsibility to ferry kids around. If you choose to live rurally then maybe. At 15 your oldest is old enough to use public transport. My 15 year old went to the beach yesterday by train. No adults, just him and his girlfriend. He got home a little after 10pm after getting the train back from GF's home.

His girlfriend lives in the next village, it has a train service and she usually get a train or bus home (she hangs about at hour house/in our town after school unroll between 6-8pm). Monday through Thursday this week I've given her a lift home. Friday I didn't because I wanted a drink. If he had been staying at her house I would have gone and picked him up, but not on the Friday. I don't think that makes me a terrible person or mother.

The problem with this is that the only real remedy for anxiety is doing the scary thing.

Maybe not throwing the child in the proverbial pool, but also not just saying, no need to swim. You need to actively work towards the scary thing.

Avoidance makes anxiety worse, and it will often transfer onto more and more things too.

My dad would have helped out and my husband would help out now. I and now my young adult kids are strong and resilient people. Coping just fine with life. But we had parents who would help with lifts if they could.

Just part of being a close and loving family. Some people here have such low expectations of their partners. Why not help a loved one if you can??

We live in a city centre.

Sorry to worry you, but my 20 year old son walked past a big group of testosterone filled teenagers, who were showing off amongst themselves. They started on him for no reason and ended up dragging him down an alley and beat him up.

My son probably thought he was safe to walk on his own, but obviously couldn't look after himself against such a big group of lads.

Fortunately there was no long term injury.

I will therefore ALWAYS pick my kids up now.

There's helping and there's enabling wet lettuce behaviour.

My dad would pick me up from anywhere or take me anywhere if I asked, even now at 31 not that I really do unless I really need to but I know he would no questions asked
He is being horrible.

Anxiety doesn’t always need ‘tough love’. My son went through an anxious patch at 13. Felt that he might get mugged (his friends had been). He was nervous about walking to our local shops and avoided situations.

We listened, tried to ply him with logic and supported him without colluding. He overcame it himself and is now whizzing around the city at night at university miles from home. Confident and happy.

We never called him a snowflake, a wet lettuce or mocked him. His resilience eventually came from within.

I work in mental health and some of the attitudes towards an anxious older teen and a young tired kid here are pretty appalling. As adults, people remember the parents who supported and empowered them, but they also remember the ones who mocked them and were not there for them, and I can tell you it makes a difference.

You said you would drop 'everything' but your DH wouldn't. Does that mean he was busy himself with his own plans for the evening? Night out with a mate, etc? Or was he just watching TV in the house?

I think if he had plans, YABU.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

He's being unreasonable for not driving the 15 year old. We have no control over what makes us anxious.

But you have to take some responsibility for the situation you and your 11 year old in. If you knew you were planning to have alcohol and unable to drive home then you should have either a) asked your DH beforehand if he could pick you up or b) booked a taxi or Uber prior to going out.

Orr!

Got the bus that was coming in 30 mins time

Here it seems busses are fine for that family to use. Until somehow they become unsafe and full of stabbing people and no woman and child should use them.

Yet another poster who just made an AIBU to confirm she wasn't, and doesn't like any posts saying otherwise.

I completely understand what your DH is doing. You are mollicoddling your kids and he's trying to instill some resilience into them.

11 year olds can walk and get tired. It's not going to kill them. 15 year old boys have to catch buses in cities. They can't be given lifts until they are adults.

Having to wait 30 mins for a bus isn't exactly torture either.

I hope your DH sticks to his guns.

Yes, so why is she suddenly amazed that he said no this time? Or is it an exaggeration that he never helps?

If I was 15 and cried because I didn't want to get a bus my mum AND dad would have told me to catch myself on.

And also, an 11 year old crying because they don't want to walk a walkable distance isn't a reason to be ferried about either.

And why has she described herself as stuck, when she was no such thing?

Maybe he's just tired of OP babying the children so much and has just stopped helping her to do so?

Because that stokes the fires for the 'HOW DARE HE' posters who also deride those who have the audacity to come from areas where there's not muggers and violence on every form of public transport so aren't familiar with it being a terrifying aspect of life! 😉

@MichelleScarn

Yep, those areas famously have gallery openings suitable for 11 year olds.