To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

[Lifeswhatyoumakeit73]

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

You have no idea what my DCs have suffered with. It's not wrong to show emotion but it is extremely unusual for a 15 year old to cry because they might have to use a bus in daylight. If you are drip feeding a genuine, diagnosed disability, this may be relevant but it didn't seem an issue in your OP.

Op please can you answer what your 15 yo plans were for getting to the sleepover. Many people have asked and you've ignored all of them. I think the answer to that determines whether there is any unresonableness

Considering what I got up to when I was 12 years old Uber is the least of my worries. Obviously at 12 they weren’t out til late at night but if they missed the school bus and we were at work they would use an Uber to get to school. As they’ve grown older they are use to getting an uber so on nights out now it is no big deal for them to grab a Uber home. They’ve been fine and it’s been good in emergencies. My son is now 17 and passed his driving test at 17 years 4 months he is the most organised and confident getting around big cities, new cities. We also lived abroad for a few years and we often travel using public transport in different countries. If you look at the statistics most kids are harmed by the people they know not Uber drivers doing their jobs.

@Silvergoldandglitter he was going to get the bus but then got anxious about travelling there on his own. DP then refused to take him.

I can see both sides, but the issue seems to be more that you’re bothered about the fact that your OH doesn’t care, which I totally get!

In terms of practicalities I got the bus everywhere from age 11, but we lived in a big city and my parents didn’t drive, so I didn’t have much choice. When you grow up with lifts on tap, getting public transport is a bigger deal.

My own kids do a mix of both - DD got the bus to and from school, my twins choose public transport where it’s viable because they’re sooooo independent and my lazy git eldest wants lifts everywhere.

I would insist on driving them if it’s late at night though, or if it’s a ten minute drive versus an hour on buses/trains. That’s just common sense so your DP was being a bit of an ass.

i would encourage your DC to be a bit more i independent though and walk/bus when it’s sensible.

@Hobbi , the fact that 16 year olds can join the army, doesn't mean they should. The legal age is 18 in other countries. And 16 year olds are tied in for 6 years, not 4 like an 18 year old. I've seen army recruiters at my son's 6th form college, targeting kids in areas where jobs are scarce and kids are frightened about their exam results and futures. It's immoral and not good enough for poor kids. Your argument doesn't make the point you think it does - teenagers aren't fully formed, their brains are still developing, they are still children in many ways.

Buses aren't inherently dangerous but at night in some areas they can be. A parent should protect their kids and care for their state of mind. Sitting at home on the sofa is not more important!

You haven’t told us what time your 15 year old was getting the bus? Or what time you were out at.

Sorry but 2 miles is nothing to walk and I wouldn’t giving a 15 year old a lift either unless it was very late and dark 🤷‍♀️

You are feeding your child anxiety.

Why did he make plans to get the bus when he knows he can't do it? Surely it makes more sense for him to get the bus at an earlier time or ask for a lift in advance at the time of making the sleepover plans.

I'm not sure I'd be too happy at my teenager making plans that they know they couldn't go through with then expecting me to take them at the last minute. Does this happen a lot?

I think YABU. Absolutely he should share the driving duties with you if the kids need picking up from somewhere remote, or are stranded etc.

But come on, you keep saying 'we live in a city' like it is something hugely unusual. We live in London. We don't have a car. A lot of people here don't have a car. The teenagers just get on with it because that's what they have to do (including myself when I was a teen). Including my DS who is almost a teen now (12).

How did your 15 year old get to the sleepover or did he not go in the end since his dad wouldn't drive him? I thought he wanted to be picked up to be brought home but your last post made it seem that he wanted a ride there.

I think your wording that you see this as 'his job' as though his kids are his employers and therefore he needs to do what they say is going about it all wrong. Yes, he should be pariticipating in their lives and that includes giving them rides at time but he is not required to be on the clock at their beck and call. Just like making meals for your kids is part of parenting but that doesn't mean your child can demand a meal of their choice at any time and you need to jump to it.

The whole dynamic in your family sounds like it could use some professional intervention to sort out. It seems you have a me and the kids against dad mindset right now. You might want to consider family counselling or couples counselling to start. And I assume your son is in therapy for his anxiety, given how distressing and disabling it is for him?

Regardless of the bravado on here, and the mocking of a tired 11y old and scared 15y old, do people in a family not just help each other out, just because? Don’t you give your partner/kids lifts occasionally just to be nice?
Sometimes inconveniencing yourself?

Does every single thing need to be a lesson in resilience these days?? Can’t you just be nice to your kids and help them out?

@ImAvingOops

I know plenty about teenagers, thank you, working with them every single day. The vast majority of which don't cry at the thought of getting a bus. Many are up at the crack of dawn to go to apprenticeships, taking several forms of public transport. The OPs son may have a disability but it wasn't mentioned in the OP and his behaviour is certainly not representative of most 15 year olds.

@Silvergoldandglitter because we are actually trying to encourage his independence. But he got anxious. It’s 2 buses and over the other side of the city.

Honestly, half the people on this thread are criticising us for pandering to our child. We are trying to get him to use the bus network but as I have said multiple times, he’s anxious.

Jesus we can’t win.

Did your husband explain why he always refuses to give lifts. Is it because he just can’t be bothered or does he drink in the evenings?

Yes, but part of preparing for that is teaching them a bit of independence. 11 is a bit young but at 15 they should be able to get themselves places. We really are raising a generation of immature adults.

@Hobbi it seems to me you know very little about teenage behaviour at all judging from your ill informed comments on here.

And I assume your son is in therapy for his anxiety, given how distressing and disabling it is for him?

@Freefall212 yes he gets pastoral support in school

Ok.

It sounds like he needs more intensive and specialized support than pastoral care. He could really benefit from CBT. I would seek out a therapist who specialized in adolesecent anxiety.

There really are some bullying arseholes on mumsnet who just love an aggressive pile on & love to criticise.

OP you can’t treat every teenager the same you know your son nobody on here does. If your husband was sober and could drive then not giving him a lift is mean I agree. My son took Ubers using our account even though technically you have to be over 18 to get in an Uber so he could have been refused by the driver as it is he is very tall and looks a lot older than he is so it’s never been an issue. Let your son develop his confidence in his own time. We are all unique and this is not about your son it’s about your husbands lack of empathy when he could see his son was distressed.

@Freefall212 yes we have explored that- he had some stuff during the pandemic

@Hobbi kids aren't all the same. Just as adults aren't. Some will be very capable and mature and confident, others not so much. The OP's particular child is struggling and needs support, not just a 'get on with it' approach, which really doesn't work for anxiety.
Maybe he thought he could do it and when it came to it, he couldn't. That's when parents are supposed to step in and help.

I’m with you op. If your sons struggling with it, his dad should step up and either drive him or support him so he feels able to get the bus.
and your dh should have come and got you two too. I’d have got a friend if they were stuck, in fact I have done. I’ve also run friends teens around. It’s surely what you do