To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

[Lifeswhatyoumakeit73]

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

We don't have a car and manage to ferry kids about on public transport. I'm afraid tired legs just need to get on with it in our house.

I'd be more concerned about a 15 year old that can't manage a bus on their own, evening or not. I know adults who apparently can't manage the bus and "have" to get picked up, so is it just inexperience? If safety is the concern then can you not meet them off the bus?

Depending on what city you live in, and which areas you'll be travelling to/from, "not wanting to be on a bus by yourself on Friday night" at age 15, is totally reasonable, some might say sensible. Particularly if it involves possibly walking through unfamiliar areas between the bus stop and the friend's house. There's areas in the city near where my MIL grew up that I wouldn't walk through alone, even mid-week at lunchtime, and I'm 45!

Both of your kids are well old enough to get the bus and neither of you should be ferrying them anywhere

I supppse I'd expect a conversation first.

Son says he is off to asleep over.

Parents asks where /when /how you getting there

If he says bus and I have planned it out and will go early so have plenty of time. Sensible plan

If he just says he will go when dark but it will be fine then be prepared to maybe have to be on standby to take him or make him go earlier.

But we don't know how it all happened?

So he'd planned to get the bus. And then it was too much for him.

I wonder if the husband was actually trying to do the right thing by refusing to help him out.

If he doesn't get the bus, then he misses out.

I think that you need to have a calm conversation, not about lifts, but about how you are going help your son tackle his mental health problems.

But he cba to collect the OP either.

But we don't know when he was asked about the lift.

It may not have been planned in advance. He may well have been at home with the son trying to get him to tackle his anxiety and decided that precise moment wasn't the time to leave.

Mumsnet is CRAZY sometimes.

I would drive my child if they were 25 and felt anxious.
It takes one wrong punch from a drunk psycho to lose your kid forever.

Also, my husband picks me up all the time and would feel uncomfortable if I was walking in a potentially unsafe situation.

(And I have picked him up many times).

I don't understand the mentality of not just getting in the car and using it as a time to bond and chat and spend quality time with your kid/spouse.

I had a parent who dismissed and ignored my emotional needs whilst growing up and I couldn't care less about them now. These things matter and have lasting consequences.

OP
Dont respond to the bullies.
You are doing exactly what they want to fuel their bullying.
Ignore them. You do not have to give out personal information about your sons therapy and support to justify why you are being a supportive parent whilst your dh clearly, is not.
Remember most suicides are amongst young males and that is what all this ‘man up’ is causing. You are not that parent. Trust your instincts so your children will always know they have your support in a crisis.

A 15 year old in tears about getting a bus is ridiculous.

Indeed.

It's possible DH could help more but a teenage lad crying about getting the bus is a bit much.

Ferrying kids around is part of parenting. Your DH is being a lazy arse.

I think this is awful. I actually couldn’t be in a relationship with someone so selfish and lazy. I do feel sorry for your kids, OP.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. Some people here are just being nasty.

My kids are older. DH readily gives them lifts, any time of the day, to the extent I have to remind him they need to be more independent. However, one has suffered from depression and anxiety for a few years now and needed that support- they are gradually becoming more independent and using public transport a lot more. The other is frankly lazy but we don't always say no. Sometimes I feel worn out after a day out and appreciate a lift rather than a 10 minute walk home. What's wrong with being kind to family members?

OP your DH sounds very selfish, in this regard anyway.

Why the "what"? Why on earth shouldn't she?

OP, your DH should be doing lifts. But your 15 year old also shouldn't be crying about getting a bus.

So very low to judge a young lad you know nothing about for crying.

Hard to say without knowing the bigger picture. If your kids are constantly crying and refusing to walk or get the bus anywhere, with you backing them up, I can understand your husband's frustration.

If your son genuinely suffers from anxiety and your phone call looking for a lift home was a one off then he was being unreasonable. But in either scenario an 11 year old crying because she doesn't want to walk a mile home is a bit ridiculous. Moaning and complaining fair enough, but not crying.

Jesus, ok I’m unreasonable! One glass of wine, fine. It’s just that you said you couldn’t drive so I assumed that meant more. Can everyone stop quoting me now! 😂

Three pages in and I still don't why the DP had no interest in helping his family last night. Isn't that the crucial thing to know? Most parents are there for their children, their loved ones in general. Is he checking out of the family altogether? Is he an adequate parent in other areas? Because no, it's not normal. So I would be asking him what was going on, not asking a forum of strangers.

I'm in my forties and I would only use a bus in the evening as a last resort. I can totally see why a 15 year old would feel intimidated. I can also - amazingly - understand why an 11 year old might not want to walk through a city centre on a Friday night. It's not usually the most pleasant of environments.

I would be asking my partner whether they actually want to be a part of the family.

I started thinking yes your partner was unreasonable, but to be honest after reading a bit more, I think it is good that at least one parent might help build some resilience in these children, even if that isn’t his actual motive. A 15 year old crying because they are anxious about getting a bus and an 11 year old crying because they have to walk. You are doing your children no favours in pandering and treating them like over grown babies.

Though if your DP can't be relied upon, and you for whatever reason still see a future with him, then you'll need to manage it.

Because if you know he won't give his children lifts how did last night even happen? What was the plan for the sleepover, and what was the plan for getting home with an 11 year old if you couldn't get a taxi?

Meh.
2 miles is 30min max, I wouldn't pander to crying about that. Maybe she should've skipped the gallery if she was so tired.
I'm with you for not forcing the 15yo on a bus at night if he's uncomfortable after dark

You won't get an answer to this because the OP realises deep down that she over panders to the kids but would prefer to blame their father as the bad guy.

@Silvergoldandglitter
I spotted a PP by OP
that said he had originally planned to get the bus.

It's probably better than being at home afraid to take a bus.

Are you trying to encourage his independence though, really?

From this post, you clearly felt it was perfectly safe for him to get the bus, as that what what you encouraged him to do and hoped he would as a way of gaining confidence.

He then changed his mind and stared crying-it was his choice, not because you were frightened of knife crime because you wanted to encourage him to get the bus.

His choice should have been-get the bus (the bus you were happy for him to get) or don't go.

After a few more choices like this, where he prefers to stay at home crying, he would find that his choice was to be a weeping Billy No Mates or get on the bus.

You tried to bring in another option-that your DP stop whatever he was doing-even if that was counting the freckles on the end of his knob-and drop him at his destination.

That is pandering. It wasn't 3 am- take the bus or stay crying. By offering him a 'get out' the of course he will do whatever is most convenient for him.

The next time, it's the bus or stay at home. After a few times of realising that he will not be ferried about in broad daylight to social events, you will find-I almost guarantee it- that he will start to realise that he can indeed cope with a bus journey.

A bus journey his mum was happy for him to take until he thought crying would lead to a lift. And he was right, wasn't he, if his dad hadn't said no-good on your dad.

Now, from your feisty replies you are hanging around the house with a face like a slapped arse because your son couldn't manipulate his dad.

Poor guy- two kids crying to get their own way-it is nothing more complicated than that and you supporting them.

Get off your arse, take the two criers out for a two mile walk, buy ice-creams and get the bus back. leave your DP in peace and it will do you all the power of good.

Take plenty of tissues!