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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

388 replies

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:21

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

OP posts:
TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 20/05/2023 23:01

Weirdly I only ever use public transport in strange cities, at home I drive everywhere, including the corner shop!
In big cities cars are pointless though, so it gets parked and I jump on the bus/tram/tube/boat, depending on which city, honestly never had a problem or even seen anything weird/dangerous.

TakeInIroning · 20/05/2023 23:17

Play your kids "You Can't Always get What You Want" while on a bloody good hike. Fresh air, no moaning, no crying-it will do them the tonne of good.

NotmykingEatCake · 21/05/2023 00:00

BrutusMcDogface · 19/05/2023 22:31

You were out with your 11 year old and you were drinking? What?

Oh pipe down, I took my 11 year old to the theatre and had THREE wines

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 21/05/2023 03:15

This thread is fucked. Yes so many kids have no choice but to get in with it and catch buses to get around. Some of them go on to become strong resilient adults. Others on the other hand, become anxious adults who find life difficult to deal with.

I'd rather let my DC know they have my support and let them build up to what they feel comfortable with.

Beezknees · 21/05/2023 06:42

CrapBucket · 20/05/2023 21:16

I am not convinced that many people saying the 15 yo should catch a bus have actually been on a bus lately.

Well you're wrong there, I cannot drive so I am a regular bus user, which is exactly why I think a 15 year old should be able to catch a bus. My DS has been on buses with me his entire life, he is 15 himself now and uses them regularly without me.

Beezknees · 21/05/2023 06:47

I actually think it's the opposite way round, people who are saying that it's unsafe for a 15 year old on the bus probably don't use the bus much themselves if they think everyone on the bus is a pervert or murderer. In reality they're mostly filled with elderly people using their bus pass. Even when I've caught the bus at night time, in the big bad city on the way home from a night out (which I've done quite a few times as it's cheaper than a taxi) I've never had any problems.

MRex · 21/05/2023 07:06

Beezknees · 21/05/2023 06:42

Well you're wrong there, I cannot drive so I am a regular bus user, which is exactly why I think a 15 year old should be able to catch a bus. My DS has been on buses with me his entire life, he is 15 himself now and uses them regularly without me.

Show quote history

Yes, I agree. Some people are so moulded into their cars that they have no idea what a bus journey is actually like. The type who look.confused and ask "hope so you cope without a car?". We live in London, buses are fine. You might get very drunk people after 1am, but presumably the 15yo was leaving a bit before then for his sleepover! Travelling with him on the bus for a few journeys might help, but he really needs to learn how to get around.

As for OP still determined that an only-just-11 should be crying about a little walk. No. As I said, I wouldn't allow that from my 5yo. Empathise that they are tired, wait for the bus if you think they really need it, but don't teach them that wailing up and down roads is good behaviour.

AmytheDancingBrick · 21/05/2023 07:12

Really can’t believe some of the replies here. I wouldn’t think twice if my 15 year old asked for a lift somewhere, and neither would my husband - I would appreciate a bit of advanced warning, but even on the day would still do it. It’s just a part of parenting - my parents did the same for me.

We spend most of the week driving our 13 and 15 around to various sporting things and I want them to feel they can meet up friends (most live a distance away) without any hassle when they get the opportunity.

Our 13 year old can be quite anxious in normal every day situations - coaching and supporting him has been our way to building resilience, rather than trying to force something that is too over whelming for him to do.

Rosebel · 21/05/2023 07:36

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 11:40

@Silvergoldandglitter he was going to get the bus but then got anxious about travelling there on his own. DP then refused to take him.

Why would he plan to take the bus when he knows he can't do it? More likely he thought you would be home and he'd manipulate you in to giving him a lift.
If he's got anxiety he surely knows his limits so why not get an early bus (you said he can cope in the day and it doesn't get dark until around 9)? It absolutely doesn't make sense.
I can't believe the amount of people who would drop everything and drive their children everywhere. The same parents are then baffled when their children can't cope at uni/when they leave home.

Effieswig · 21/05/2023 07:56

The longer this thread has gone on, the more I feel inclined to say the Op is unreasonable.

ImAvingOops · 21/05/2023 08:09

I think that if you know your kid has anxiety, you offer to take them to the sleepover, so they can socialise and do the same things as their friends. Or you offer to be on standby in case they need you.

No one is saying buses are inherently dangerous, only that the bus at night in a city, might be.

ImAvingOops · 21/05/2023 08:10

And children aside, how many women would be okay with asking their partner for some help and him saying no, do it yourself? Because I sure as hell wouldn't be!

IamnotSethRogan · 21/05/2023 08:15

@00100001 because it was her mates parents gallery & it was something nice after SATS. I didn’t factor in getting stuck!

You didn't get stuck because it was 2 miles away

EasterBreak · 21/05/2023 08:21

No one having a go at OP about her son has a child with anxiety. My son takes medication for his anxiety (and it really has helped him) and gets help from CAMHS. I 100% get it. If you don't get it you don't understand anxiety and it's really judgemental of you to question why he feels the way he does. He's not just a tiny bit scared it's completely overwhelming and debilitating. A boy showing his emotions isn't something to be mocked.

EasterBreak · 21/05/2023 08:22

Oh and your husband is unreasonable yes.

Effieswig · 21/05/2023 08:25

EasterBreak · 21/05/2023 08:21

No one having a go at OP about her son has a child with anxiety. My son takes medication for his anxiety (and it really has helped him) and gets help from CAMHS. I 100% get it. If you don't get it you don't understand anxiety and it's really judgemental of you to question why he feels the way he does. He's not just a tiny bit scared it's completely overwhelming and debilitating. A boy showing his emotions isn't something to be mocked.

You are incorrect.

justasking111 · 21/05/2023 08:29

We've always shared lifts one parent takes them then the other one collects them.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 21/05/2023 08:31

IamnotSethRogan · 21/05/2023 08:15

@00100001 because it was her mates parents gallery & it was something nice after SATS. I didn’t factor in getting stuck!

You didn't get stuck because it was 2 miles away

This is why the kids aren't dealing with things, because the OP says she was "stuck:, when she was no such thing, she just can't deal with a slightly inconvenient situation either.

MagicGirl93 · 21/05/2023 08:50

My dad would NEVER have left 11-year-old me (or ANY age me) and/or my mum stuck anywhere. He might have complained about it, but he would have shown up for us.

I don’t understand your husband’s behaviour at all.

YANBU.

Ivyiris · 21/05/2023 08:54

Through the day and early evening surely they can get the bus. Different if you lived rurally and weren't able to access public transport. Fair enough for 11year old though.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 21/05/2023 08:56

She wasn't stuck, she was a 40 minute walk from home in a UK city, not a five day hike in the jungle, don't be so dramatic.

GettingStuffed · 21/05/2023 08:58

Neither of us drive so my kids are used to public transport. I once went on a work thing to a different office. One of the managers was terrified of going on the train, because she's never done it before, a bit absurd in your 30s.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 21/05/2023 09:12

So, you live in a city with good public transport. Your 15 year old is anxious about going on buses in the evening, and organises to go to a sleepover. What time was he supposed to go to this sleepover (something that people have asked upthread)? He either planned to go at a time where he was less anxious to be on a bus and then didn't go at that time, or left it until the last minute to ask his dad for a lift, rather then organising a lift in advance.

Meanwhile you went out and spent some time with your friend, taking your 11 year old, who then became tearful because she was tired , you couldn't get a cab (because cabs are in shortage in cities, and galleries tend to be in really rough areas that cabs don't want to go?)and the bus times didn't suit you, so instead of going back to your friends for 20 mins to wait for the bus, you called your husband then decided to walk home with a crying 11 year old.

I think most of us would be pissed off if we were expecting an evening in, and then every member of the family, because of inability to actually plan, wanted you to ferry them around.

Your husband might be being dickish, or he may just be fed up (and from your overly dramatic description of being "stuck" - you weren't stuck, you just only wanted one solution to your problem - and your responses on this thread I think it's more likely that YABU).

wildinthecountry · 21/05/2023 09:20

Yes I believe husband had planned a nice night in alone for once , then the poor sod started getting all these demands for rides everywhere . She has been asked if this is what happened .

AmytheDancingBrick · 21/05/2023 09:22

wildinthecountry · 21/05/2023 09:20

Yes I believe husband had planned a nice night in alone for once , then the poor sod started getting all these demands for rides everywhere . She has been asked if this is what happened .

It’s clear from the OP that he never helps - this isn’t a one off.