Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

388 replies

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:21

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

OP posts:
TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 20/05/2023 14:12

treespouse · 20/05/2023 13:42

Meh.
2 miles is 30min max, I wouldn't pander to crying about that. Maybe she should've skipped the gallery if she was so tired.
I'm with you for not forcing the 15yo on a bus at night if he's uncomfortable after dark

It's light until at least 9 though, what time was he going to the sleepover if it was dark, and surely at 15 he could arrange to leave by, say 7 if he doesn't want to be out after dark.

HT56 · 20/05/2023 14:27

I don’t think I got a lift once when I was a kid. They are so over pampered nowadays.

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 14:39

@HT56 were you forced to eat coal for tea also? 🙄

OP posts:
Liorae · 20/05/2023 14:46

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 14:39

@HT56 were you forced to eat coal for tea also? 🙄

Probably not, but probably expected to deal with a bus at 15 like the rest of us.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/05/2023 15:28

I was catching buses everywhere during f the day from 12.

But I would still have been hesitant to catch buses at night at 15/16. And I wasn't nor am now the least bit anxious.

Notamum12345577 · 20/05/2023 15:29

Freefall212 · 20/05/2023 11:47

How did your 15 year old get to the sleepover or did he not go in the end since his dad wouldn't drive him? I thought he wanted to be picked up to be brought home but your last post made it seem that he wanted a ride there.

I think your wording that you see this as 'his job' as though his kids are his employers and therefore he needs to do what they say is going about it all wrong. Yes, he should be pariticipating in their lives and that includes giving them rides at time but he is not required to be on the clock at their beck and call. Just like making meals for your kids is part of parenting but that doesn't mean your child can demand a meal of their choice at any time and you need to jump to it.

The whole dynamic in your family sounds like it could use some professional intervention to sort out. It seems you have a me and the kids against dad mindset right now. You might want to consider family counselling or couples counselling to start. And I assume your son is in therapy for his anxiety, given how distressing and disabling it is for him?

🤣🤣 Have you tried getting therapy for a teenager for anxiety or other mental health issues? CAHMs has a 3 year waiting list, and that is if they even accept the child. Some people are lucky enough to be able to afford to go private, but a lot aren’t.

Daphodils · 20/05/2023 16:15

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:21

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

Sorry OP, they sound lazy!

Liorae · 20/05/2023 19:35

Daphodils · 20/05/2023 16:15

Sorry OP, they sound lazy!

Show quote history

And manipulative. OP's husband sees this, but OP refuses to acknowledge this.

AfraidToRun · 20/05/2023 19:56

Your husband should help, you shouldn't answer every call. I'm sure you used your judgement wisely OP.

I wish I had had parents who were there for me instead I lived a life of avoidance (walking hours as too nervous to get a bus) or just numbing out to get the thing done. Yes, I was independent but I've lived a life knowing I had no-one to turn to.

thecathasbeenfed · 20/05/2023 20:58

YANBU. Your DH is being a dick.

I bet your DS will remember you being there during this horrible anxious time for him.

Looneytune253 · 20/05/2023 21:02

I would say half and half. A 15 year old is more than capable of getting a bus and crying about going on the bus is just silly.
I would be a bit annoyed if DH wouldn't come and get me and younger child tho for whatever reason as that doesn't happen often and it sounds like there was no other option.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/05/2023 21:10

Bloody hell, it's not unreasonable to not want to get a bus as a teenage boy given the crime rate these days.

School have sent out messages for their pupils not to hang around in town after school at 4 in the evening here due to the number of muggings. Kids have been mugged and sexually assaulted on the way home.

When you have a useless partner, you have to adapt and do things like not drinking though.

CrapBucket · 20/05/2023 21:16

I am not convinced that many people saying the 15 yo should catch a bus have actually been on a bus lately.

Liorae · 20/05/2023 21:52

Looneytune253 · 20/05/2023 21:02

I would say half and half. A 15 year old is more than capable of getting a bus and crying about going on the bus is just silly.
I would be a bit annoyed if DH wouldn't come and get me and younger child tho for whatever reason as that doesn't happen often and it sounds like there was no other option.

There was another option, and OP and her daughter used it. They walked.

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 22:27

Dishwashersaurous · 20/05/2023 12:39

So he'd planned to get the bus. And then it was too much for him.

I wonder if the husband was actually trying to do the right thing by refusing to help him out.

If he doesn't get the bus, then he misses out.

I think that you need to have a calm conversation, not about lifts, but about how you are going help your son tackle his mental health problems.

This, I wonder how many times before this has happened?

DS has been due to do his own things, last minute reasons they can’t/don’t want to get the bus… I imagine your DH is bored of you enabling this behaviour and would prefer you to work out what’s going to change going forwards.

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 22:29

CrapBucket · 20/05/2023 21:16

I am not convinced that many people saying the 15 yo should catch a bus have actually been on a bus lately.

What buses have you been on? I live in the second Uk city and would get on any bus I needed to, people are behaving like there’s full scale warfare on public transport 🤣

Liorae · 20/05/2023 22:34

BlackeyedSusan · 20/05/2023 21:10

Bloody hell, it's not unreasonable to not want to get a bus as a teenage boy given the crime rate these days.

School have sent out messages for their pupils not to hang around in town after school at 4 in the evening here due to the number of muggings. Kids have been mugged and sexually assaulted on the way home.

When you have a useless partner, you have to adapt and do things like not drinking though.

Funny all those posts about school shootings in the US while apparently getting on a bus in the UK is a life or death situation.

Liorae · 20/05/2023 22:36

Has nobody yet mentioned the Mumsnet dreaded DARK?

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 22:38

Has nobody yet mentioned the Mumsnet dreaded DARK?
I don't think so, but I've heard that during the evenings people might get darked on.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 20/05/2023 22:44

CrapBucket · 20/05/2023 21:16

I am not convinced that many people saying the 15 yo should catch a bus have actually been on a bus lately.

Several in London three weeks ago, plus the tube all over, on my own and in the dark.
5 cities on my own last year, plus long drives all over the country.
More trips planned this year. (London, Bristol, Liverpool, Leeds, Hull, Glasgow)
I'm a single woman with an adult, daughter, I rely completely on myself.

MightyFishwife · 20/05/2023 22:50

Jesus, threads like this remind me why I rarely come on Mumsnet anymore. So many sneery, horrible posters. Sympathies OP x

Liorae · 20/05/2023 22:53

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 22:38

Has nobody yet mentioned the Mumsnet dreaded DARK?
I don't think so, but I've heard that during the evenings people might get darked on.

A 15 year old that got darked on would probably be in critical condition - or at least his mummy would.

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 22:54

CrapBucket · 20/05/2023 21:16

I am not convinced that many people saying the 15 yo should catch a bus have actually been on a bus lately.

You’d be quite wrong there, I live in a very big UK city and our bus network is very good indeed, especially early evening 😊

Feelinadequate23 · 20/05/2023 22:57

OP YANBU. One of the things I Loved about my parents as a teen is that they would always give me a lift if I asked and they were available. (I wasn’t spoilt, I had plenty of chores I had to do at home etc). In return I now ferry them about whenever I can if they need it (they are elderly). I want them to feel safe and looked after, which is exactly how they made me feel as a teen. Why does your husband not want that for your kids?! And an 11 year old FFS! a 2 mile walk in the evening is loads!

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 22:58

MightyFishwife · 20/05/2023 22:50

Jesus, threads like this remind me why I rarely come on Mumsnet anymore. So many sneery, horrible posters. Sympathies OP x

Yeah, much better to wrap all the poor poppets in cotton wool and not allow to get on Shudder public Transport ever…

Some kids have no choice in this stuff, and it’s so shocking that so many people have such little comprehension