Is this horrible from DH ?

[fumpster]

Married 15 years, together 25.
Recently, DH says to me:
Don't tell me about your dreams from last night. Dreams are not real and I won't want to hear about made-up drivel.

Plse don't tell me what you are doing next at home, you do not need to narrate your life to me and I do not want hear you narrate your life. This is in response to situations where e.g. we are watching TV together then I say I am going upstairs for a bath/bed or I say I am going to lock the front door or I say I've forgotten to put the dishwasher on, I'll just go and do it, type of thing.

AIBU to say this is not very nice or am I being too much or a princess by getting upset about it ?

Well, he has tolerated it for 25 years... he could perhaps have been kinder about but now you know, it's an easy fix!

I think he's being rude. But I think some of the issue may be that there are perhaps two kinds of people: some who find that 'narrating' what they are doing helps them to organize their lives, and those who find talking, and especially listening to other people's talk, distracting and adding to their 'mental load'. You may be in the first category and he in the second. So I think that he might have something on his side in asking you to be a bit quieter except when you're having a proper chat, or if there's something really important to mention. He should not, however, be lecturing you about what is or isn't 'necessary' for you to talk about, and acting as though he's your teacher and you're a naughty child talking out of turn in class.

The children do this. “Just going to the bathroom”

I’ve started to declare “it’s not Gatwick you don’t need to announce your departure” 😂

I’d think it so bizarre if DP just got up and ran a bath without saying anything, or walked out to go to the shop. It’s such a strange relationship to me where basic communication is missing.

I do get why it could be annoying in general but I think these are just the little things you put up with when you love someone. DP has the most boring job and likes to talk about it - I could tell him to stop telling me as I really don’t understand what he’s talking about and it’s hardly riveting but I politely listen because I love him.

Having boundaries is one thing but telling the person you are supposed to love that they are essentially annoying for being themselves is really cruel.

Totally with him about hearing other people's dreams. Maybe once in a while, if it's relevant to the general conversation.

Telling him you're just popping upstairs etc - hmmm, that could be annoying as well, but maybe necessary sometimes. But not all the time.

But YABU - I don't think he's being horrible. He's expressing annoyance, and probably more unkindly than is needful, so maybe it's a bit of give and take between the two of ou?

I'm mindful of that old quote from Sue Townsend: 'the only thing more boring than listening to other people's dreams is listening to other people's problems!' Ouch.

I'd say that if your issues are tantamount to the first, you might consider dialing it back again and recognising your partner isn't necessarily there to be a constant sounding-board (unless at a time of need). If it's the latter, there may be a problem with the relationship.

Our dream conversations mainly amount to: 'I am having the WEIRDEST spate of dreams lately' and this is pretty much it. Sometimes if I have an awful dream I'll mention it (but not give a running synopsis). Otherwise not.

The minutiae of people being pains in the arse in the workplace and their low-level shenanigans at throwing colleagues under the bus or empire building, I leave at the workplace. I used to bring them home. That wasn't fair.

Large-scale shit like departmental restructure, or all-out strike action, are useful things on which to get a sensible person's perspective, and DH doesn't mind this. I tell him if I'm going in the shower, in case he looks for me etc, but not when I'm doing the laundry or dishes, or other general stuff around the house. And we tell each other when we're going to bed, or leaving to go somewhere.

It's all about mutual respect and not treating your partner as a constant sounding board, but also showing some interest in them and their life. (And why wouldn't you? They're your partner!)

Only you know which categories these fall into. But unless you're being really annoying on a fairly consistent basis, and that everything you do seems to require a running commentary, his reaction seems a bit mean to me.

I know someone who almost lost her ability to speak when her husband worked from home because she didn't feel she was allowed to speak.

Her husband basically trained her not to speak. She was just supposed to do everything silently.

She had to go to speech therapy.

They referred her to a domestic abuse charity.

So you need to ask yourself OP, is there a LOT of inconsequential wittering which your husband listens to and finds a waste of his time

Or is he a cunt?

I read this and thought that what he was really saying, in quite a curt little speech was "Speak when you are spoken to" And I would have felt offended if someone said that to me. There is a contemptuous put down tone to it as if he is so far above mundane concerns.

Genuinely I think you have to place this in context for yourself before you can judge how seriously to take this comment and if it's reasonable or not.

Was he tired and grumpy that day? Is it unusual for him to have a lofty tone to what he says?
Has this come out of nowhere or has he said something like this before?
Do you feel he has a point? Are you a chatterbox? Is it one way traffic.
Do you feel like you are narrating to fill a silence and lack of attention?
How much does he talk? Does he just sit there in silence? How well does he communicate?
Does he generally chat if you both went for a walk or plod along in silence?
Do you have two-way conversations or does one of you talk more than the other
Does he Leave the room to go to bed without saying anything?
Was he watching the last 5 minutes of a program or trying to concentrate on someone who was speaking?
How would he react if you had a juicy piece of gossip about a mutual acquaintance?
How do you respond if he's got something interesting to say?
What is he like conversationally when you are out together socially?
Does he take an interest in what you do? or volunteer info about what he does?

Lots of questions there, a bit like I am "narrating" I know... but I think asking yourself these kinds of questions is one way you can judge whether he's just generally quiet and you are generally more conversational and if you actually are talking too much or if it's more him being miserable and unreasonable.

You can't lose the ability to speak because of not speaking enough.

Don't be ridiculous.

How do you think the millions of people who live alone retain the ability to speak?

I don't know... when I leave to get up my partner asks where I'm going. If he's in another room and I walk in/out he asks what I'm doing. Maybe I should narrate more!

Team DH, I’m afraid. You sound like my DP who needs to constantly tell me meaningless drivel that makes no difference to my life: just load or unload the dishwasher, why narrate it? It’s just noise and I can’t hear myself think for DP’s narration – it interrupts daydreams and processing and thinking. Talk to me about something interesting, sure, but just the endless burble is awful – like having a boring TV on in the background.

Because most of us interact with the world and simultaneously have our own thoughts. To hear the rambling thoughts of another said out loud is annoying.

Maybe he could have said it more sensitivity, but agree with him.

I think I’m on team husband on this.

I’ll be talking to mine and say something about not sleeping well and having a weird dream. He’ll ask me what is was about and 99% of the time I’ll just say it was too weird to describe (they usually are!). Honestly I find it tedious to try and describe.

If we’re in the middle of a conversation I’ll say “be right back” if I have to get up for something, because that’s just polite. But if we’re just doing our own thing, tv/reading/whatever I’ll just get up and do whatever. It would be rude to interrupt what the other one is doing to announce my intentions.

I very much doubt she physically lost the ability to speak - otherwise how do you think everyone who lives alone copes?

Feeling psychologically unable to speak is very very different.

Wow... if DH and I cut out what is being described as 'narration', we'd hardly communicate. That's another issue to this one but it's true.

Your house is shared space. Your dishwasher, TV, cooker, door and keys, windows, bins, water bills...part of shared space, and hopefully, requiring cooperation and perhaps joint finances to look after? I'd tell DH I locked the back door before going out, or left the light on for when we come in, or I'd got the black bin but the green bin's still out.

"You do not need to narrate your life to me and I do not want hear you narrate your life" - you live lives in shared space, and he is trying to shut you down, perhaps slightly isolate you, with this. That point of view would be monumentally self-centred and disrespectful to me.

I also find people recounting their dreams unbelievably tedious but I would not be an arsehole to my spouse.

We can’t all be scintillating in every utterance. Sometimes you just politely suck it up.

He sounds like an arse.

Wow... if DH and I cut out what is being described as 'narration', we'd hardly communicate

Honestly that’s kind of sad. DH and I talk about all kinds of stuff… work goings on, friends goings on, current events, memories, future plans, house stuff, political stuff, our cat’s shenanigans, our own shenanigans.

I think the single most important thing we did in our relationship was to establish ‘cocktail hour’ which I modeled after my parents. It’s essentially an hour or two each evening where we just talk.

This is getting off topic a bit, but I think it’s related if the OP is using this narration to fill a communication void.

I quite like hearing people's dreams but I've got friends who hate it and find it boring and they are lovely people, so I think it's OK to think that.

To add and summarize:

If your dh has asked you more politely several times in the past to reduce your 'narrating' and you have repeatedly ignored him, then he has some excuse for snapping.

If your chattiness has been the same for 25 years, and he has given no indication that he dislikes it until he suddenly exploded right now, then it's very nasty of him.

If it's that you've actually become more chatty and inclined to 'narrate' recently, then he was rude, but you may also have been inconsiderate, and should perhaps think about why you've changed in this respect.

Have a think about stuff he does that you find irritating. This is a golden chance to tell him. He can hardly object, can he? Who knows, both of you may end up very glad you have had this discussion.

Oh god other people's dreams are incredibly boring. I have a house rule that NO-ONE is allowed to tell me about their dream unless it's less than five words or I'm in it.

I'm very strict on this rule to my three children and DH, it's saved my sanity.

I would always say I'm just going for a bath or whatever as I think it's weird to just get up from a conversation and be gone for half an hour. I wouldn't call it narration

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

She's never recovered her singing voice, and she is still very soft spoken , husky, and her voice misses words entirely.

Right, but that can still be psychosomatic.

Not speaking at home isn't going to destroy your voice on its own - else everyone who lives alone would constantly lose their voices

@SisterWivesrus

Do people who live alone never speak then?