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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this horrible from DH ?

222 replies

fumpster · 19/05/2023 10:12

Married 15 years, together 25.
Recently, DH says to me:
Don't tell me about your dreams from last night. Dreams are not real and I won't want to hear about made-up drivel.

Plse don't tell me what you are doing next at home, you do not need to narrate your life to me and I do not want hear you narrate your life. This is in response to situations where e.g. we are watching TV together then I say I am going upstairs for a bath/bed or I say I am going to lock the front door or I say I've forgotten to put the dishwasher on, I'll just go and do it, type of thing.

AIBU to say this is not very nice or am I being too much or a princess by getting upset about it ?

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 19/05/2023 11:49

To me there is nothing more boring than other people's dreams.

But the other stuff I think he's being rude.

labamba007 · 19/05/2023 11:49

Anyone else realise they narrate their lives and tell partner about their weird dreams? Luckily DH does it to me back so at least we're not doing anyone else's heads in 😂

porridgeisbae · 19/05/2023 11:50

Dreams are one thing but him saying perfectly normal conversation you make is wrong, is nasty.

TeeBee · 19/05/2023 11:51

porridgeisbae · 19/05/2023 11:50

Dreams are one thing but him saying perfectly normal conversation you make is wrong, is nasty.

Its not a conversation though is it? Its a declaration of what she's doing next. Nobody wants to know!

LadyH846 · 19/05/2023 11:52

Yes, I would consider this to be mean.

SisterWivesrus · 19/05/2023 11:53

TeeBee · 19/05/2023 11:51

Its not a conversation though is it? Its a declaration of what she's doing next. Nobody wants to know!

Show quote history

Yep. And OP said ge said 'please don't do this' not STFU.

They've been together 25 years and he's probably been mildly irritated by it for years and now it's got to the point it's driving him nuts.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 19/05/2023 11:54

The dreams thing is absolutely fine. It is very boring, even when your dreams are as exciting as mine.

BUT - surely the rest of it is just about two people in a relationship and sharing a space and a home? If we are sitting down and reading or watching tv, and I say I’m going to put the dishwasher on, DH will ask if I need a hand, or say he’s going to take the opportunity to empty the bins, or whatever. He knows he doesn’t need to do the dishwasher because I’ve done it, and I know I don’t need to do the bins because he has. If we are watching tv and I decide to go and have a bath, of course I tell him - so he knows the bathroom is in use for a bit, and I’ll tell him whether I’d like him to pause the show, or to carry on as I’m not bothered.

Do you all make appointments to speak to each other at home? Don’t you have easy, casual communication? I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had a minimum threshold of interest before they would deign to listen to me. Do you all have set agreements about what can and can’t be discussed, and when? It sounds like you’re living together apart, a lot of you.

Qbish · 19/05/2023 11:55

Oh god I cannot bear being told people's dreams

As for the narrating your life, yeah that would irritate me too

Escapefromhell · 19/05/2023 11:59

Other people’s dreams are not interesting.

Narrating your life is just filling the air with pointless noise. If I lived with someone who did this constantly it would give me the rage. There is just no need for it.

Greenable · 19/05/2023 11:59

If he’s not always been like this maybe he’s feeling under the weather. Some people do get very picky with those close to them when they don’t feel so great themselves. It’s a pain I know.

SlightlyJaded · 19/05/2023 12:00

He was a bit brutal but I agree with his sentiment.

Even my own dreams are a mess
Trying to decipher or care about anyone else's meaningless nonsense? No thanks.

As to your question of why?

Because, frankly, it's boring.

I realise not every conversation can be a philosophical discussion around the meaning of life, but conversation should either be:

Useful
Interesting
Thought provoking
Productive
Or
Emotive

Otherwise it's just white-noise to fill space.

I am grumpy and have no patience for small-talk though. Not even at social gatherings. I'm more of a cut to the chase or tell me your darkest fear kind of person. So possibly not right person to answer this.

QOD · 19/05/2023 12:05

my husband says my name in EVERY sentence

Drives me mad lol

amusedbush · 19/05/2023 12:08

He could have been a bit less direct but honestly, I agree with him. I hate when people tell me rambling stories about their dreams; unless it's a funny one-liner (e.g. "I dreamt I went line dancing with Ted Lasso"), I don't want to know.

As for the narration, no need to announce why you're getting up or leaving the room. I will say "I'm going for a shower, do you need the toilet first?" as a courtesy but if my DH kept announcing his arrival and departure, I'd tell him to pack it in.

Nordicrain · 19/05/2023 12:10

He's being mean, but I do agree that listening to other people's dreams is dull.

Nicknacky · 19/05/2023 12:10

baddecisions11 · 19/05/2023 11:36

I think he's being a dick. I always tell DH what I'm
doing as I like him to do the same. Because If he randomly got up and left the room I'd say where are you going??? Lol

But does it matter if he is going into the kitchen or to the bathroom? Unless he is leaving the house there is only so many places he can go.

Why does he need to tell you everytime he leaves the room?

Mari9999 · 19/05/2023 12:12

OP, having to hear the minutiae of someone's life constantly can be beyond annoying. All of those things that you are telling him are things that he and everyone else do on a regular basis, but they don't feel the need to share.

If you are leaving the room to shower and go to bed, it is acceptable just to say good night. He does not need or care what your routine will be as you prepare for bed. It is not a lack of sensitivity on his part, but your need to over share may indicate a bit of insensitivity on your part.

Most of us don't find the routine and trivial things in our own lives all that interesting , and we find those things even less interesting in the lives of others (even the people that we love.)

There is a good chance that if you talked less, he might become more interested and engaged in what you have to say. This could easily be a case of less is more.

Mangotime · 19/05/2023 12:12

Sounds like you’re starting to give him the ick a bit.
I’d probably start going out a bit more or take up something new. Just to give you something else to talk about and maybe a bit of a new lease of life.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/05/2023 12:16

Depends on the people, the house...

A bit of narration is normal here or he can vanish for hours and I don't know where he went, and I can't get the remote or some vape batteries or shut the bloody door.

We have resolved some of this by setting up Alexa between upstairs and downstairs so I can get her to drop in and ask where he went, but she's not helpful if he's locked in the other room with his model trains.

Dreams - generally irritating. I am mean and make him listen if I've had a weird or scary one but only to talk it through so I can pick out what's bugging me. I don't ask for his input really, I don't think dreams have special meaning, but I tend to have scary or vivid dreams if something is stressing me or if I am poorly/in more pain than usual/doing something daft in my sleep like taking my CPAP mask off.

Dream wittering is only once a month perhaps and a conversation that lasts no more than a few minutes, as I am aware it is super boring for the other person!

So its possible you are being quite tedious OP, or that he is being a bit of a cunt. Only you can really tell!

Goldbar · 19/05/2023 12:16

I would be irritated if someone constantly invaded my headspace and demanded my attention for pointless stuff that I don't care about.

I narrate things to the baby, but they're a baby and I'm responsible for their language development. You're not responsible for your husband's language development so why not enjoy the peace and quiet 😄?

SarahSmith2023 · 19/05/2023 12:17

QOD · 19/05/2023 12:05

my husband says my name in EVERY sentence

Drives me mad lol

@QOD that's new patio territory!!

@fumpster he's not very nice is he?

dreams- depends who & how long it takes.

narrating- depends. If it's constant and doesn't alter anything then it's annoying, but if it's something like 'just going for a shower' then yes, I'd want to know so i can turn the tv over, just make myself a drink or whatever. But if your in the kitchen with me I don't need to know you're hanging up the tea towel or putting the dishes away etc.
but he told you in an unloving way.

Teawithnosugarplease · 19/05/2023 12:17

Yes, he's unkind.

I may be in the minority, but I find other people's dreams interesting.
I'd be more than happy to listen.

tanstaafl · 19/05/2023 12:17

Dreams - it could be a funny one, or not, so there’s probably something about the way you tell the story of the dream.
For example do you forget something important early on then have to go back to it, and remember something else while you’re at it?
It takes any joy out of listening to a story being recited when the teller does this.

As for the commentary, do you simply say ‘just locking the back door’ then do it, or do you add ‘is that ok?’ on the end?

SisterWivesrus · 19/05/2023 12:17

Mari9999 · 19/05/2023 12:12

OP, having to hear the minutiae of someone's life constantly can be beyond annoying. All of those things that you are telling him are things that he and everyone else do on a regular basis, but they don't feel the need to share.

If you are leaving the room to shower and go to bed, it is acceptable just to say good night. He does not need or care what your routine will be as you prepare for bed. It is not a lack of sensitivity on his part, but your need to over share may indicate a bit of insensitivity on your part.

Most of us don't find the routine and trivial things in our own lives all that interesting , and we find those things even less interesting in the lives of others (even the people that we love.)

There is a good chance that if you talked less, he might become more interested and engaged in what you have to say. This could easily be a case of less is more.

Yes. After 25 years together he's pretty sure of the short list of things the OP is likely to be doing when she leaves the room, he doesn't need telling.

Plottingspringescape · 19/05/2023 12:19

I'd be hurt by that. Maybe you need to ask him for a list of acceptable topics that you are allowed to talk about?

Ouchthisstings · 19/05/2023 12:20

My husband does this.

'I'm just going to nip to the toilet'
'I'm just going to nip to the shop'

I DON'T CARE AND ACTIVELY DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR TOILETING. YOU ARE 52.

NIP OFF.

I'm sure you're not like that though OP 😄