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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this horrible from DH ?

222 replies

fumpster · 19/05/2023 10:12

Married 15 years, together 25.
Recently, DH says to me:
Don't tell me about your dreams from last night. Dreams are not real and I won't want to hear about made-up drivel.

Plse don't tell me what you are doing next at home, you do not need to narrate your life to me and I do not want hear you narrate your life. This is in response to situations where e.g. we are watching TV together then I say I am going upstairs for a bath/bed or I say I am going to lock the front door or I say I've forgotten to put the dishwasher on, I'll just go and do it, type of thing.

AIBU to say this is not very nice or am I being too much or a princess by getting upset about it ?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 19/05/2023 10:33

I agree with others. He's being a little harsh! But at the same time I also get irritated about consent narration. Like my (lovely) mum always saying "I'm just going to do a wee now" etc. Argghh!!
With my DH I get annoyed by him constantly bombarding me with very obvious questions just to make conversation "Where's X (our son)?" In the bloody gaming room where he always is and you know he is! Stop making me answer endless questions all the time when you already know the answer! It's draining.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2023 10:33

The dreams I can understand his POV - it is irritating to hear other people’s dreams (unless just a very brief summary - “oh I dreamt I could fly” or “I dreamed about my late mum” etc). I’m happy to hear my children’s obviously but not detailed dreams from an adult.

The other is a bit unkind of him. Sometimes you need the other person to know what you’re doing next, sometimes it’s just polite to say so. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who found me so grating I don’t think!

DOBARDAN · 19/05/2023 10:35

I'm torn on this debate,
I like hearing about other people's dreams,
Not so keen on hearing about the other things you mentioned,
I once knew someone who took a lot of medication at specific times during the day,
Without fail they would announce 'I need to take my tablet, Dobardan' each and every time they needed to take a tablet, which was very wearing,

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2023 10:36

SallyWD · 19/05/2023 10:33

I agree with others. He's being a little harsh! But at the same time I also get irritated about consent narration. Like my (lovely) mum always saying "I'm just going to do a wee now" etc. Argghh!!
With my DH I get annoyed by him constantly bombarding me with very obvious questions just to make conversation "Where's X (our son)?" In the bloody gaming room where he always is and you know he is! Stop making me answer endless questions all the time when you already know the answer! It's draining.

“I’m going to do a wee” is irritating

You don’t need to know if someone is going to the loo, and saying “do a wee”’is very twee and childish.

UsingChangeofName · 19/05/2023 10:42

I agree with virtually everyone else (I think the 'vote' Q is tricky, as you are asking 2 different questions in a way).
Your dh could have phrased it a bit more gently / nicely, but, in essence, I understand where he is coming from.
If you need to commentate on everything you are doing at the time, is this from a place of lacking other things to talk about ? Have you thought of getting involved in some things outside the house, that might be a bit more interesting to have a conversation about ?

Ruibies · 19/05/2023 10:42

lol I get up without announcing and constantly get asked 'where are you going' or 'what are you doing' we can't win ladies. I think if it bothers him you should make an effort to stop but yeah he could have phrased it more kindly. Don't know why he can't just ignore it though - do you require a response or acknowledgement?

blahblahblah1654 · 19/05/2023 10:42

I always announce what I'm doing and it does annoy my husband a fair bit! So I can see where he's coming from.

Billyoh · 19/05/2023 10:45

cocksstrideintheevening · 19/05/2023 10:17

DH narrates his life and it is FUCKING INFURIATING.

Snap!

HadEnough2023 · 19/05/2023 10:45

YABU, I hate people who narrate their own life's it's so bloody annoying and boring. Who cares if your going to lock the door or forgot to put the dishwasher on.

As for dreams - stop eating so much Damn cheese before bed. Grin

redskylight · 19/05/2023 10:48

I think when you've been with someone for a long time little things they do start to unfeasibly irritate you.
Assuming DH is happy to talk to you about other things (what's on TV, your plans for the weekend, when will the council fix the local pothole ...) then I'd say it's no big deal just to adjust your behaviour slightly. Better he tells you than is seething quietly.

Want2beme · 19/05/2023 10:48

Other people's dreams are a little bit boring. I'd only mention mine if it was really bizarre. Eg, the other night I dreamt there were lots of old men with dyed bright ginger hair, walking around town Thought you'd want to know.

I don't feel the need to inform anyone of what I'm about to do, and that probably stems from having a DM who wants to know everything. Drove me crazy through adolescence.

It can be hurtful when you're asked not to do something, depending on how it's said, but there's no need to narrate your life, especially when someone just doesn't want to hear it.

SkyandSurf · 19/05/2023 10:51

I'd be too polite to say anything but this would drive me mad as well.

Ponoka7 · 19/05/2023 10:56

The only time I talk about my dreams is when he's cheated on me in them. One morning I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't real. When we first started living together we had to iron this out. If he was going upstairs to check Emails etc, I like him to tell me. Likewise if he's going for a shower. Only so I get to decide what to watch. He'd turn over the television then disappear for half an hour. I think that you are overdoing the narrating, coupled with as we get older we want less noise/going on.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 19/05/2023 10:57

We chat all the time in the household, who is off for a shower, who has locked the doors, what we are watching, how we are feeling. It's a personal preference. I think if you are doing it when he's clearly busy or under pressure, this would be unhelpful. Otherwise, I think he's grumpy and wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted me to shut up. If he's said- oh I'm a bit tired tonight and taken himself off that's fine. Telling you your entire chatty personality is wrong is just horrible, I'm amazed (as usual) that other people think it's ok to be so contemptuous of another person. About the dreams, he could turn it into a joke, there doesn't seem anything very humorous or enjoyable about your interactions.

GiveOverRover · 19/05/2023 10:57

I think irritation at things like this is more likely to occur if there's irritation in general, sounds like the eye rolling has set in.....

FourTeaFallOut · 19/05/2023 11:01

Dreams, totally reasonable. The rest of it, dick move.

ilovemydogmore · 19/05/2023 11:01

Good for him for being clear! Better to let you know what irritates him instead of keeping it in and then exploding. Feel free to share your thoughts back though OP, I'm sure he does irritating things too.

rainbowstardrops · 19/05/2023 11:02

I can't really moan that my husband does this because I do it too - even when it's just me and the cat here! I do spend an awful lot of time alone though.
What's worse with the husband, is that he'll mutter something that I don't quite catch (I've lost some hearing in one ear) and I'll ask him what he's said because I assume he's saying something to me but no, he then says, 'I'm just talking to myself' SO BLOODY TALK IN YOUR HEAD THEN and don't mutter next to me!!!
So I can see both sides of this fence!

Dedodee · 19/05/2023 11:04

My dh constantly tells me what he’s doing/done, how and why.
It gets really boring.
I have learned to zone out.

EthicalNonMahogany · 19/05/2023 11:06

OK I am interpreting this a bit differently. Most posters are taking this at face value and saying it's annoying to hear x y or z detail.

I think what you're doing OP is making Relationship Bids - small verbal bids for attention, affection and connection. He's hearing it as the substance of the talk - unhelpful information - while you are sensing a subtle kind of distance between you and wanting to be seen and understood.

Perhaps you could check in on your feelings - is it disappointing that he closes you down, because it feels like he's not really seeing you/not really caring about being connected?

If that's so, then check in with him - identify the need you have and think of a way he could help you meet it. I really love it when I feel we are connected. I like to hear about your day and what's on your mind. Could we make time after dinner for 10 mins to tune in with each other and hear/affirm what the other is experiencing? Even if it seems like blah blah nothing. Then I can let you be more peaceful the rest of the evening, as I will feel we are more on the same page.. You can probably find a less therapyish wanky way to put this. But something like this process.

Clipboard007 · 19/05/2023 11:07

This would make me stop wanting to talk to him unless it's on a very functional level. Do you communicate on other subjects or levels? Bet he still wants sex, do you find that repetitive and tedious? Bet you are still expected to perform.

Feelinadequate23 · 19/05/2023 11:13

Ah OP my mum narrates what she’s doing / going to do/ has done and it is soooo annoying, sorry! I don’t care if you’re going to put the bins out/ replace the dirty dish towel, unload the dishwasher. Just get on with it, no need to tell me unless you’re hinting that I should be doing it instead? In which case, just ask me!

to my mind, it fills a peaceful silence with meaningless chatter, sorry!

Darkandstormynite · 19/05/2023 11:20

He's trying to tell you that the relationship is irritating him. Which is probably triggering anxiety in you and makes you want to communicate more to placate yourself. As PP put it, relationship bids, to get attention. It will turn into a vicious cycle if you don't stop and really address what is bothering you both.

I have a relative who narrates her life and its tedious. We tend to go glassy eyed when she's tipping into a monologue and she just doesn't pick up social clues or doesn't care. The other person maybe sitting quietly with their own thoughts, they don't need you to crash in with yours all the time.

peachespeachespeaches · 19/05/2023 11:25

He's addressing it badly but essentially I agree with him. Other people's dreams are spectacularly dull and I avoid like the plague.

The narrating thing is also annoying, although there's probably a scale. "I'm off to have a bath" is informative in that you'd be going off upstairs and not coming back for a while, so it's probably useful information. "I'm going to put the dishwasher on" is pointless narration. Is it that you want him to help? If so, ask. Are you wanting some kind of response from him? If my partner said "I'm going to go for a wee" I'd wonder what on earth he wanted from me in response, and he'd probably get a gentle, comedic passive aggressive round of applause or something.

I'd put money on these things covering something bigger though.

Geronimorlassie · 19/05/2023 11:26

Cannot give a damn about when people narrate about their dreams.

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