To think my NDN should stop knocking on my door?

[Foly]

I live in a flat and there are 9 other flats in my building.

My NDN (I'm number 7, he's number 8) will find any excuse to knock on my door and ask me questions/ speak to me.

He's a man in his late 50's and I'm a woman in my early 30's, both live alone, just for context.

It started after I took a parcel in for him and he came to collect it. I genuinely don't mind doing this and I'd do it for any neighbour.

However, after this he came to my door to -

• ask if I was okay because he heard something through the wall..?

-tell me he could look after my cats anytime -tell me he could help when getting a sofa delivered -ask if I could hear his alarm in the morning -ask if we could swap flat keys in case of an emergency -ask if I want to do my laundry in his flat because he has a really good washing machine

It's getting worse and I am getting concerned now. He's just knocked on the door 2 minutes ago and I didn't answer. He knows I am home though. 😥

What can I do besides moving out? 😩

Maybe I watch too much true crime but him asking for your keys or trying to get you ok his house to do washing sounds sinister to me . I’d draw boundaries very quickly , tell him to do one and I’d consider a ring doorbell more as video evidence or to make him back off .

Good point!

Put ''DO NOT DISTURB'' sign on door a la hotels.

Hi OP, sorry I haven't read the thread but completely understand your problem. I have a similar issue with a contractor at work who randomly 'pops in' to see me regularly for reasons similar to those your neighbour is popping in for.

I find it uncomfortable and harassing but there isn't very much I can do about it and I'm not able to be confrontational and just tell him. I'm surprised so many mums net users are able to be so forthright and wonder if this was actually the case in their lives if they would be so confident.

Essentially I have no answer but just so you know some of us understand how hard this is to deal with.

Don’t be sorry.
Don’t explain.
Don’t thank him for anything.

Remove all social niceties.

This is not a socially nice situation.

It’s a creepy older man hitting on a younger lone vulnerable woman. He knows what he is doing. He is trying to wear you down and push at boundaries physically and emotionally. He will have done it multiple times before and got knocked back. Don’t spare his feelings.

Agree.

HUGE red flag.

You can talk to HR or a colleague to support you being pestered - your company has a responsibility to protect you.

If suitable get a colleague to interrupt or take over when he pops in. Or move away, get on a call. Take action. You don’t have to indulge his entitlement. He is choosing not to respect your implicit boundaries.

Change the body language and tone - efficient and blunt. Drop any smiles and polite pandering.

You see him as a much older guy. He sees himself as a catch to a woman 20 plus years younger than him. He is a pest and needs swatting away with firmness. No explanations, you owe him nothing. Creeps don't get less creepy when they get older. They just get creepier.

So depressing that even in 2023 the best way to deflect unwanted male attention is still seen (probably correctly tbf) as marking yourself as some other man's property. I don't think I could bring myself to do it tbh and would favour the direct approach. You've had lots of good suggestions for a form of words. Important to just close the door after you tell him to stop knocking, rather than hesitating to see how he reacts, which is another thing women are socialised to do to check everyone else's feelings are still intact after the most minor confrontation.

Just to inject some humour into an otherwise not very funny situation, I'll share how my rather posh and quite rude mum would have dealt with something like this. Back when I was a child, we had some carol singers come round one December. They were quite bad tbh, an assortment of kids and mums, singing standard carols like you would sing them in school assembly - not rehearsed and no harmonies etc. I'm not even sure they were raising money for charity so much as for pocket money, but most people would still be nice about it. My mum was a genuine music lover and fancied herself as a good amateur singer and was appalled at what she considered nuisance noise. She opened the front door and they brightened for a moment at the prospect of some money for their bucket, only for her to say sharply, "Go away, please." And shut the door in their faces. The singing kind of fizzled out and after another pause they shuffled away into the night. Still makes me laugh.

So channel my mum, who would not have had any truck with constant interruptions from a nuisance neighbour. Tell him to go away, please. And then shut the door in his face.

@DepartureLounge

Your mum sounds ace, I am going to channel her too.

OP, I got a Ring doorbell in a similar situation, although not identical, and there are various messages you can program it to say.

Or alternatively "Mate, you have GOT to stop knocking on my door like some sad old loser. Haven't you got anything better to do?"

As said by 22yr old me in a similar situation. Tbf it never occurred to me that he might turn nasty. I was young and callous back then.

It worked though. I held up a mirror to him and he didnt like it when I showed him what I saw rather than what he imagined himself to be. (Some irresistible, dashing suitor no doubt 😂)

I failed at female socialisation.

Sounds horrible. This would upset me a lot too. If you haven't told friends/family about this already, I would. It's important that someone in your life is aware I would say.

I'm surprised so many mums net users are able to be so forthright and wonder if this was actually the case in their lives if they would be so confident

I get this but do you know how I'm able to be like this? Years and bloody years of trying the polite route and them STILL not getting the hint. Frankly, I got to the point where I had enough. Politeness often still gets you anger and rudeness when you turn some men down so now I am direct because its not about your response, its about their attitude towards women.

Why isnt this neighbour questioning HIS behaviour?- he is constantly harrassing and pestering the OP whilst she is working, pressing her for her keys, asking her to do laundry at his, he is the one who should be asking himself how the hell he has the nerve to be so intrusive. If you are going to act like this, then you really have no right to not expect directness back. The response is proportional to his persistent and disrespectful approach. It just annoys me that the focus is always on women's responses but never the pestering that provoked the response in the first place!

He is creepy at best and dangerous at worst. He sees you as his and his target. Ignore all the posters where women have been conditioned to be nice to people. I would contact the police if he continues.

Just put a 'DO NOT DISTURB - I AM ON A WORK CALL' sign on your door and leave it there permanently. If he questions it always being there, you can say 'yes, I was starting to get annoyed by neighbours knocking on my door when I don't want them to and it is disturbing my working day'.

The response is proportional to his persistent and disrespectful approach.

I love this clarity. No need to be polite. It isn’t owed. He is intrusive, inappropriate and unwelcome. He is ignoring this and continuing to push - so blunt firm words, actions and warnings of consequences.

At 22 I was approached by a drunk guy in the street, with a "Hello darling!" sort of approach. For some reason I snapped, "Get lost, mate!" at him. He paused for a moment to consider this, said, "Fair enough," & lurched off.😂

I wouldn't dare, these days!

This!

Or 'don't knock at all'. Don't give him a single loophole he can exploit. He's lost the privilege of knocking 'like any normal neighbour' because he hasn't behaved like a normal neighbour.

Blunt, direct language is the only language these inconsiderate creeps understand. He has no compunction about making you feel uncomfortable, OP. In your shoes I'd be unhesitating about returning the favour.

In no way should any woman in these circumstances 'Be Nice'. That's the kind of attitude these men rely upon exploiting.

I've been stalked twice, and perhaps these experiences have made me over-cautious so I don't want to be OTT or 'knee jerky' here. But the problem every woman encounters from time to time is this. This man might be your average, harmless sad sack. Or he may not be. The problem is that we have no way of really knowing.

If you want to move, and there's nothing stopping you from doing so, this might be something to consider. And never again tell any casually curious neighbour that you live alone, or give any other information relating to your life. As a further eg., I had a 'nosy' plane seat-neighbour ply me with questions once when I was travelling alone, wanting to know my name and where I was heading when we disembarked. I fixed him with a direct stare and asked why he wanted to know, and he made some muttered protestation about polite conversation, as though I was the unreasonable one.

It may well have been. Or it may have been a ham-fisted overture, or something else more sinister. I couldn't know, so erred on the side of caution. Other women will tell you this is paranoid, and that I'm uptight, that he's 'only lonely' and that I should 'be nice', etc. But mine was the sensible response. It's basic self-preservation.

Further recommendation here for The Gift of Fear.

A further 'this', for this!

Too often women question our own responses before we question men's motivation and behaviour.

It should be the other way round.

Realistically, and statistically, which is more likely to be at fault?

I had this problem once. I solved it by buying a pair of mens work boots and leaving them by the front door.

In the end I hoarded several pairs of mens shoes. Until he got the point.

Sad that it's needed. But it worked. He eventually moved.

I am in agreement with you. The behaviour from the men is the problem and our response to it should be confident, however, I find this difficult to do, whilst in theory absolutely agree.

Oh god. He is being totally i appropriate

Do you know any of the other neighbours?

Would be useful to have an ally close by who can keep a look out

Can you try and blame work and say they keep hearing a man at the door when you are working and you're going to get fired if they hear him again as they know you are chatting not working.

I’d grey rock and be as boring and uninterested as possible to him, if you feel unable to tell him directly to stop bothering you.
Making excuses about work or other things , will probably be wrongly interpreted as you’re interested ‘if only’.