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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my NDN should stop knocking on my door?

259 replies

Foly · 18/05/2023 19:50

I live in a flat and there are 9 other flats in my building.

My NDN (I'm number 7, he's number 8) will find any excuse to knock on my door and ask me questions/ speak to me.

He's a man in his late 50's and I'm a woman in my early 30's, both live alone, just for context.

It started after I took a parcel in for him and he came to collect it. I genuinely don't mind doing this and I'd do it for any neighbour.

However, after this he came to my door to -

  • ask if I was okay because he heard something through the wall..?
-tell me he could look after my cats anytime -tell me he could help when getting a sofa delivered -ask if I could hear his alarm in the morning -ask if we could swap flat keys in case of an emergency -ask if I want to do my laundry in his flat because he has a really good washing machine

It's getting worse and I am getting concerned now. He's just knocked on the door 2 minutes ago and I didn't answer. He knows I am home though. 😥

What can I do besides moving out? 😩

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 19/05/2023 16:55

OooYoureHard · 19/05/2023 06:03

See ladies? Hate to be the one to say it but sometimes we really DO need a man! Grin

Show quote history

No. What we need is for men as a sex class to leave women the hell alone. Women are entitled to go about our lives in peace with the very reasonable assumption that we are not automatically yearning for male company, and with the expectation that when we say 'No', that is precisely what we mean. It does not open up a negotiation; it's not a signal for men to ignore that word and decide they're going to hear something else entirely.

It's a very, very small ask. But seemingly it's too much to ask.

OddSockSeeker · 19/05/2023 17:33

Perhaps he has a learning disability or some problems with social pragmatics.

Yogazmum · 19/05/2023 17:38

I would get a chain so when you open the door, have this on. I’m not saying he might barge in but it means you only need to open it an inch, say you’re busy and shut it.

silverfullmoon · 19/05/2023 19:29

SerafinasGoose · 19/05/2023 16:55

No. What we need is for men as a sex class to leave women the hell alone. Women are entitled to go about our lives in peace with the very reasonable assumption that we are not automatically yearning for male company, and with the expectation that when we say 'No', that is precisely what we mean. It does not open up a negotiation; it's not a signal for men to ignore that word and decide they're going to hear something else entirely.

It's a very, very small ask. But seemingly it's too much to ask.

Show quote history

applause THIS x a million.

You're right- its not a big ask at all and yet they still cant stop doing it. Therefore, they give us no choice but to use a strong, direct, blunt approach in saying NO, without the need for grovelling politeness, apologies or excuses.

Northernsouloldies · 20/05/2023 08:53

Hopefully op you can tell this pest once and for all, stop knocking on my door, I don't want to speak to you about anything now go away. Sorry you're having to go through this unwanted attention from the creep.

JMSA · 20/05/2023 08:57

Swap keys? Can you imagine!! Shock

Kenwoodmixitup · 20/05/2023 09:04

I’m staggered on ‘enlightened’ and ‘empowers’ MN the number of posts recommending the need for a man to resolve.

The firm ‘no’ with its numerous variables is surely the strategy MNnetters would be promoting.

Northernsouloldies · 20/05/2023 09:05

That would be creeps lottery win. Swap keys, do your laundry etc. That's weird offers he's definitely in the fucked up category.

JMSA · 20/05/2023 09:06

OP, I would just ask him to stop knocking. Say that you're finding it too much and that it's feeling like harassment (hopefully use of that word will put him off, as it carries connotations of calling the police!).

Goldenphoenix · 20/05/2023 09:26

We honestly have been trained since birth to 'be polite', he isn't being polite so give yourself permission to tell him firmly to stop knocking. Treat him like I treat chuggers, I open the door say 'no thanks' and shut the door! He isn't considering your feelings and you don't have to consider his - tell him he is disturbing you and shouldn't knock anymore. If he carries on after that give him one 'no thanks' and then call the police because he is harassing you. Stop being so nice, men rely on us being afraid but he's already having an impact on your quality of life and peace of mind. I wish I was as ballsy in my twenties as I really have learned not to take any of this shit now. Have a ten second difficult conversation and it might all stop, take control.

dayswithaY · 26/05/2023 08:03

This happened to me with my NDN and I knew his wife! Always knocking to try and get in the house with some fake emergency. I had to keep the bedroom curtains closed all day as he would stand in the bushes in his garden staring up at the window.

One day I invited him in and he found five members of my visiting family sitting drinking tea staring at him. He never knocked again.

Just be polite but firm, but do get it sorted.

Newestname002 · 26/05/2023 09:02

@dayswithaY

One day I invited him in and he found five members of my visiting family sitting drinking tea staring at him. He never knocked again.

I love that! Some people are just so weird.. 🌹

silverfullmoon · 26/05/2023 11:02

One day I invited him in and he found five members of my visiting family sitting drinking tea staring at him. He never knocked again

Hahaha! love this

GloriousD · 26/05/2023 18:15

Would love to know how you are getting on @Foly

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 27/05/2023 00:41

He sounds lonely.

His reasons for knocking sound excessive as well as an excuse to talk to someone.
Perhaps you are the only human interaction he may have?
It’s not your responsibility but maybe (when you can and feel safe to do so) suggest one day a week for a cuppa and less knocking?

lemonchiffonpie · 27/05/2023 00:59

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 27/05/2023 00:41

He sounds lonely.

His reasons for knocking sound excessive as well as an excuse to talk to someone.
Perhaps you are the only human interaction he may have?
It’s not your responsibility but maybe (when you can and feel safe to do so) suggest one day a week for a cuppa and less knocking?

He probably is lonely. As are all the other older guys who target young women specifically to assuage their loneliness, rather then middle aged women or men their own age.

SarahDippity · 27/05/2023 01:21

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 27/05/2023 00:41

He sounds lonely.

His reasons for knocking sound excessive as well as an excuse to talk to someone.
Perhaps you are the only human interaction he may have?
It’s not your responsibility but maybe (when you can and feel safe to do so) suggest one day a week for a cuppa and less knocking?

he might be lonely, but that’s no excuse for being a pest.

croissantleiatravel · 27/05/2023 01:40

That sounds like a really difficult situation. Maybe you could begin by being direct and clear with him, and explain why you can't accommodate his asks? Maybe alternate between ignoring him and responding with politeness but no promises? Ultimately, it boils down to having a good talk with him or else you might just be stuck with this till you move out. If you're still struggling, you could speak to the other tenants in your building and get them to help out.

It sounds like he might be feeling a bit lonely, dunno why but that could be the case. Maybe you should talk to him first and explain your concerns and make some boundaries - but in a friendly and understanding way of course. And before or when you do, see what you can do to get everyone talking in the building. If you can get to know each other better, it could help ease concerns and make the whole situation better. That said, if it doesn't work out and it makes you feel uncomfortable, there's always the option of talking to a landlord - but first see if things can be sorted out without going that route!

silverfullmoon · 27/05/2023 06:04

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 27/05/2023 00:41

He sounds lonely.

His reasons for knocking sound excessive as well as an excuse to talk to someone.
Perhaps you are the only human interaction he may have?
It’s not your responsibility but maybe (when you can and feel safe to do so) suggest one day a week for a cuppa and less knocking?

Strongly disagree with this. Yes, he might be lonely but why is he only targeting a much younger woman for company? Suggesting a regular meet up will certainly give him the wrong impression and will encourage his behaviour. He doesnt respect OP's boundaries or her working time. If he does fancy her (which it sounds like- considering one of his very first questions to her was asking if she lived alone- that alone is a red flag to ask a young woman) suggesting regular chats is only going to enforce that to him and place OP in an even more awkward situation. She doesnt have to have tea with a man who makes her feel uncomfortable.

Northernsouloldies · 27/05/2023 15:09

A curt Fuck off, should do it, op clearly wants no interaction with this nuisance and if he is lonely it isn't op place to have to solve that.

realityhack · 27/05/2023 16:11

Honestly get lost with all the poor guy he’s lonely crap! If he’s so damn lonely, why isnt he checking up on the potentially lonely elderly people in the building or divorced dads? Did you ever wonder why it’s ONLY a much younger single woman who lives alone that can cure his “loneliness”? How strange that is! There are plenty of charities he could get involved in if he’s so damn lonely but instead he chooses not to do that, and keeps asking her for her keys and to wash her clothes in his flat!!! That’s creepy AF and if you can’t see that I really don’t know what to say 🙄

Sensical · 27/05/2023 16:31

@WotsitsMadeIn1927 Regardless, a strangers loneliness is not OPs responsibility. Especially so at the personal cost OP feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. Hard no

Wilkolampshade · 27/05/2023 16:38

Chain on the door 100%.
The key swapping and laundry are massive red flags. Under no circumstances end up behind a closed door with him.
And it's not loneliness/dementia. He wouldn't do it if you were male, 6ft 2 and built like a brick shit-house.

I'm much better with this stuff these days as am now a grumpy old woman. We get some kind of door knocker most days. I find a blunt, and unsmiling and loud 'Absolutely. Not.' before they even finish their spiel and whilst shutting the door works.

Newestname002 · 27/05/2023 17:19

@Wilkolampshade

I'm much better with this stuff these days as am now a grumpy old woman. We get some kind of door knocker most days. I find a blunt, and unsmiling and loud 'Absolutely. Not.' before they even finish their spiel and whilst shutting the door works.

Yes - comes with age and experience I think, but a "repel boarders" attitude to invited/unwelcome attention is worth cultivating. I do not waste time at my front door with people who have no business there - and I find my "resting bitch face" informs people they need to move on before I say a word. 🌹

Newestname002 · 27/05/2023 17:27

UNinvited/unwelcome of course... 🌹

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