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Original poster

To think my NDN should stop knocking on my door?

259 replies

Foly · 18/05/2023 19:50

I live in a flat and there are 9 other flats in my building.

My NDN (I'm number 7, he's number 8) will find any excuse to knock on my door and ask me questions/ speak to me.

He's a man in his late 50's and I'm a woman in my early 30's, both live alone, just for context.

It started after I took a parcel in for him and he came to collect it. I genuinely don't mind doing this and I'd do it for any neighbour.

However, after this he came to my door to -

  • ask if I was okay because he heard something through the wall..?
-tell me he could look after my cats anytime -tell me he could help when getting a sofa delivered -ask if I could hear his alarm in the morning -ask if we could swap flat keys in case of an emergency -ask if I want to do my laundry in his flat because he has a really good washing machine

It's getting worse and I am getting concerned now. He's just knocked on the door 2 minutes ago and I didn't answer. He knows I am home though. 😥

What can I do besides moving out? 😩

OP posts:
LittleBumblebee3 · 19/05/2023 05:46

As awkward and uncomfortable as it might make you feel to do it, I think the only way to deal with it is to be really blunt @Foly - “it’s not appropriate that you keep knocking on my door constantly. I’m asking you now to stop”.

Definitely put a chain on the door and answer with the chain on!

Do you know anyone else in the building that you may be able to mention it to just so someone else round about knows what’s going on and that you feel quite intimidated by him?

Hopefully he’s just an overly friendly man that needs some firm boundaries set but incase it’s anything more sinister then, I’d also keep a note of how often he’s knocking. Ring doorbell is a great idea, even just for recording his visits. You can mute it so don’t need to answer it!

SargentSagittarius · 19/05/2023 05:48

user1492757084 · 19/05/2023 05:08

Fix a DO NOT DISTURB UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES sign.
And ALL DELIVERIES PLEASE TEXT 78906543.

Then neighbour might text to which you have a generic reply ready to text back.
He should only knock if an emergency.
If you see him just say that you are a private person and need your quiet time in which to opperate - as welcoming and kind as he has been and that you hope he won't feel offended. but that is the way you like to live.

Why would you suggest she give him her mobile number?!

ReformedWaywardTeen · 19/05/2023 05:49

You need to start logging dates and times of the harassment. Because let's call it what it is. A vastly older male is continually harassing a solo, younger female despite requests not to.

I would contact the Police and Adult Social Care. I don't think it's dementia but he could be known to them for other MH issues.

I fear sometimes out of police us females except this behaviour for too long until he starts turning up at places you all "by chance". It's almost on a par to stalking but the modern, WFH equivalent.

Maybe speak to the landlord about whether the previous tenant had issues. But definitely contact the authorities.

OooYoureHard · 19/05/2023 06:03

TherebytheGraceofGodgoI · 18/05/2023 20:05

I know of someone that had a similar situation and they had a large male friend who quickly stripped off and answered the door naked when the nuisance caller knocked. It did indeed stop the caller.
Not sure this is appropriate in your case, but maybe a thought?

See ladies? Hate to be the one to say it but sometimes we really DO need a man! Grin

xoomer · 19/05/2023 06:14

user1492757084 · 19/05/2023 05:08

Fix a DO NOT DISTURB UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES sign.
And ALL DELIVERIES PLEASE TEXT 78906543.

Then neighbour might text to which you have a generic reply ready to text back.
He should only knock if an emergency.
If you see him just say that you are a private person and need your quiet time in which to opperate - as welcoming and kind as he has been and that you hope he won't feel offended. but that is the way you like to live.

Worst piece of advice you could give.

Plus he may start sending d picks!!!

littleblackcat27 · 19/05/2023 06:14

BMW6 · 18/05/2023 20:40

Next time he knocks open the door and say "Bloody hell, NOW WHAT?!" In a really exasperated tone.

Yes - that!!

I think you have to stop being polite. He sounds very thick skinned, and pretty creepy. Give him the message loud and clear.

RebulahConundrum · 19/05/2023 06:17

Do most people really have such easy access to big burly men? How is that being constantly quoted as the only solution here? The only man I know well is my dad and he lives miles away and is by no means burly (sorry dad). Bloody absurd.

Without assuming you know a big burly man, as most people seem to apparently, the only options are ignore him everytime or be more forceful. Tell him firmly that this has gone on far too long and you won't be answering the door to him again. And then don't. Maybe you hate confrontation but sometimes it has to be done.

GracePalmer33 · 19/05/2023 06:26

I can understand your frustration and I'd find this really hard to deal with too as I hate being put on the spot/awkward confrontations. I'd end up being all geared up to answer the door and tell him to stop, but chicken out at the last secondand end up being pleasant which would then make the situation worse lol.

I would probably take a softer approach that would be less terrifying for me and post a note to him that says "hey _, I'm going to need you to stop calling round, I'm often working and I don't have the kind of job where I can take a break and the knocks can be heard on my work calls. Please understand. If I ever need anything I know where to find you. Thanks"

I think then if he had the audacity to knock on AFTER I had sent the note I would feel a bit more "riled up" and ready to tackle him head on in person.

greyhairnomore · 19/05/2023 06:27

RebulahConundrum · 19/05/2023 06:17

Do most people really have such easy access to big burly men? How is that being constantly quoted as the only solution here? The only man I know well is my dad and he lives miles away and is by no means burly (sorry dad). Bloody absurd.

Without assuming you know a big burly man, as most people seem to apparently, the only options are ignore him everytime or be more forceful. Tell him firmly that this has gone on far too long and you won't be answering the door to him again. And then don't. Maybe you hate confrontation but sometimes it has to be done.

I thought that , there must be a stock of them somewhere 🙄
Maybe you can rent one ?

piedbeauty · 19/05/2023 06:34

So he's been round like six times? What timescale are we talking? A month, six months, two days?

Does he leave when you say you have to go or whatever?

It sounds like he's trying to be friendly/flirt but he also sounds a bit socially awkward.

Do you get any bad vibes from him?

Thighlengthboots · 19/05/2023 06:35

Do NOT give him your number- that will just give him another avenue to pester you
Do NOT tell him you are working- that will just give him permission to contact you outside of working hours in the evenings and on weekends
Do NOT think not answering the door will help as he will then learn that it takes 20 (or however many) knocks to get a response from you
Do NOT apologise or say sorry for not wanting to speak to him as that will give him a reason to push your boundaries as he knows you feel bad about it

Be direct, unapologetic but polite. "Stop knocking on my door. It is making me feel uncomfortable and I dont like it. Thank you"

I am not saying it will be easy to say this as we have all been conditioned to be "nice" but you have a human right to express your needs and you have a right not to be pestered by a man. It IS pestering and no matter how harmless he thinks his intentions are, it is upsetting you and causing you distress. Noone has the right to do that. The only way to get through to these men is to be direct and firm.

DollyParkin · 19/05/2023 06:39

Foly · 18/05/2023 19:57

When I don't answer he just keeps coming back until I do 😥

That’s getting close to harassment. It’s creepy.

You may need to bite the bullet and tell him the frequency is inappropriate.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 19/05/2023 06:42

Some of the responses are ridiculous.

I think it’s most likely he’s lonely, you’ve shown some degree of friendliness by taking in a parcel and he’s grabbed it with both hands and now thinks you’re a friendly neighbour that he can have a good relationship or possibly be friends with. That doesn’t mean he wants to have sex with you or is a danger to you. Unless of course you’re getting vibes that say otherwise.

Perhaps no one else in the flats has been friendly. Perhaps he genuinely is hoping you will be that neighbour that you can mutually help each other.

silverfullmoon · 19/05/2023 06:49

Hocuspocusnonsense · 19/05/2023 06:42

Some of the responses are ridiculous.

I think it’s most likely he’s lonely, you’ve shown some degree of friendliness by taking in a parcel and he’s grabbed it with both hands and now thinks you’re a friendly neighbour that he can have a good relationship or possibly be friends with. That doesn’t mean he wants to have sex with you or is a danger to you. Unless of course you’re getting vibes that say otherwise.

Perhaps no one else in the flats has been friendly. Perhaps he genuinely is hoping you will be that neighbour that you can mutually help each other.

It doesnt matter what his intentions are really- he is pestering the OP multiple times whilst she is working (and he knows this) and his attention is understandably making her uncomfortable. She isnt obliged to make friends with a much older man if it makes her uncomfortable and he IS making her uncomfortable, therefore he needs to stop.

OP isnt responsible for his lack of friends. There are plenty of places he could go to meet friends and yet he is ONLY wanting a much younger woman to be his "friend". Funny that.

Greentree1 · 19/05/2023 06:58

Tell him your boyfriend doesn't like other men coming to your door and has become aware that he keeps calling, you think it might be better if he didn't come around anymore (or else).

I would assume he's just lonely and probably thinks you are too. Is he objectionable in any way or just a bit of a nuisance? Do you get a creepy feeling or just desperate for someone to talk to? How frequent is it every day, once a week?

ThePoshUns · 19/05/2023 06:58

Next time he knocks.
A curt ' what do you want'
Whatever his reply just tell him
' what are you asking me / telling me that for? Please stop knocking on my door, I'm very busy.' Then shut the door.
If he continues ' I have asked you to stop knocking my door, if you continue I will report you to the police for harassment'

PopsicleHustler · 19/05/2023 07:01

He sounds like a right creep. Ignore him and he will soon get the message. If he starts getting funny, then be blunt with him, "please stop coming to my door. I am busy and I work and my partner has had enough." Should do the job!

ilovesooty · 19/05/2023 07:03

AnyaMarx · 19/05/2023 03:46

Just say to him next time -

Hi x . Look don't think I'm being rude but when I'm working I really cannot answer the door - I work all sorts of hours as I'm online so can I ask that you don't knock on as it's distracting my students and I'm getting complaints.

I appreciate the offers of help and if I ever need anything I know where to
Come . Thanks so much - I knew you'd understand.

Try that first .

He's already not listening. That's far too polite.

Just tell him that you don't appreciate being disturbed and to go away and stop invading your privacy. You will consider it harassment if he continues.

Then stop answering the door to him, under any circumstances.

grayhairdontcare · 19/05/2023 07:04

Fit a ring doorbell. You don't need to answer the door when he comes.
Just tell him no through the doorbell.
Plus it will record him at the same time

BreatheAndFocus · 19/05/2023 07:05

If you’re worried about being blunt to him, OP, try the boring tactic. When he knocks at your door, open it and respond the same way - disinterested and vacant. That way he’ll learn he gets no feedback from you and there’s no point going round to your place, eg

NDN- Hi, I was wondering if you’d like any sugar as I bought two packs yesterday.
You - (smile vacantly) Mmmm…..oh, right…mmm. Anyway I have to go now (immediately shut door).

Do that every time he calls - literally a variation of the same non-answer, non-engagement above. You should find he reduces the frequency of his visits and then stops altogether. Not quite the same, but I had to do this to a man who I’d meet most days on the way to work, who started engaging me in conversation after I’d been polite to him once. It started to get annoying and prolonged, so the vacant/smiley/nothingness reaction was a non-confrontational deterrent that worked.

Sundaysundaebananasplit · 19/05/2023 07:10

Next time you see him, tell him that you are on calls all day and can't answer the door.

Then when he inevitably does knock, open the it with the latch on and ask in a very busy tone 'is it urgent? I'm working, have to go, bye' and close the door.

Then next time don't answer.

Comedycook · 19/05/2023 07:10

Mummapenguin20 · 18/05/2023 20:19

I like the idea of a male friend answering the door but I also think he should read the room and take the hint

Men like this don't read the room or pick up on subtle social cues. Any woman being vaguely polite clearly fancies them...that's how they see it.

allthewoes · 19/05/2023 07:11

It sounds like you're being pleasant to him every time he comes, this just encourages him.

You really need to be firm and TELL him to stop pestering! "Dave, I work on the phone ALL day. I am NOT going to answer the door to you anymore so please stop knocking!"

DarkDarkNight · 19/05/2023 07:12

Do you have a chain on the door? I would use it when you answer and be very businesslike and direct. Just keep reiterating you are working or it’s not a convenient time. Don’t answer to him every time, and definitely mention it to the landlord.

Justalittlebitduckling · 19/05/2023 07:15

Can you tell him, kindly but firmly, “this is getting a bit much, Colin. I’m happy to take in your parcels but I don’t think you need to be knocking on my door this much all the time.”

Either he’s really lonely, or ND in a way that meant he misread the social cues and thinks you are his friend, or both. I think give he isn’t behaving in a socially acceptable way, you need to be very blunt without being unkind otherwise he probably won’t get it.