Am I the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

[Allwelcone]

I have 3 kids, 12, 14 and 15, with DH, and 1 from b4 who has left home. My "career" is crap due to time out for childcare, mutually agreed with dh.

I used to have a proper ft job before kids but since then and leaving London ive never worked ft and my salary has been dire, but I do only want to work for "jobs-with-meaning" so salary suffers. I went back to work as soon as youngest was in reception. I usually have worked 2.5-4 days a week.

I have a job interview tomorrow but the hours are miniscule (half time) and it's worrying DH as we are so overdrawn.

Now i have a 4-day pw charity job i do not enjoy at all, wrong skillset, chaotic managent, boss giving off signals that doesn't want me around (neg comments and I still havnt got passed probation for 9 months) so I do need to change.
But am I being lazy for not going ft? Am I being really inconsiderate? Dh hasn't said anything. I'm worried I'm being selfish. Our home could do with someone there, the kids need input and ferrying.

Whats my standing in the mumsnet arena?

Clean offices :they are usually pretty clean anyway, it's exercise, a couple of evenings a week and you get paid. What's not to like.

Totally depends on whether your family need you to earn more money or not.

I take the view that couples are a team. Between them, they need to agree a lifestyle and provide enough money for it and ensure all the other things that need to happen occur too.

Some families have the luxury of one person or both being able to work part-time, or to be very selective about the kind of jobs they do and go for ‘meaning’ and not what pays the most hard cold cash. Lucky them. For others, many people work more hours and do jobs they don’t enjoy.

Consider the big picture, for now and in the future. Consider your income now, the impact of choices on retirement income,your expectations and other demands on you now and into the future.

Lots of families have a SAHP or one person who just works a few hours. If they have enough and can survive and both are happy with it, that’s fine.

You do sound very self-indulgent. If you are heavily overdrawn you need to be earning more. That might mean working 2 jobs. Your children are old enough to do things in the house and cutting back might have to include some of the things you currently ferry them to.

Have you looked at corporate social responsibility roles?

Your kids are old enough to get themselves ready and out the door for school and again come home and sort themselves until you get home. As someone who juggles ft work and 3 children 7, 5 and 2 I think to be pt and still playing the "I'm a mum I can't work ft" card when your kids are teens is an excuse to work reduced hours. It sounds like you are struggling so you need to work ft.

Just to chime in with there are plenty of corporate jobs that have meaning. Me and my husband work in cancer medicine and fraud prevention, both at a “big corporate” (pharma/bank) but both meaningful and actively helping people. My job literally stops being getting scammed and having their savings taken, and pays decently too.

Oh and my job has great work-life balance, it’s 35 hours a week and everyone apart from the most top-tier senior people goes home at 5pm. Not all corporate jobs are 60 hours a week wolf-of-wall-street type crap!

Regretfully you are putting your ideals before your family. Not good. They need you to man up and (just for a little while) and bring some money in. They will be gone soon and you can go back to being choosy.

@Allwelcone have read your posts not the full thread, so unsure if this was suggested.
I think you should speak with a career counsellor. Your skills and qualifications can be professionally and objectively assessed, suggestions about retraining can be made and expectations made clearer. Nothing wrong with wanting good pay with little effort (uh, works for Hen Z). At least you'rehonest and little effort to one might be impisd

(Damn cracked screen...)

little effort to one might be unbearable work to another. Good luck!

And Gen Z not Hen Z...🤦‍♀️

It sounds like you and your dh have this sorted. OP.

Contributing to a family isn't just financial.

Good luck with your interview.

Eh?
She works 4 days a week. That's practically FT. If the kids are teenagers she's had a long time to pick the 'career' back up.
And I don't know why people are being sniffy about 'corporate', having worked in both sectors I actually found corporate far, far easier. Granted, for my role 'IT' it's about whether you can do the job, so none of this 'empathy bonding' and 'soul polishing' (whatever that means).

There are all sorts of jobs, saying you work for a 'non-profit' is meaningless w/o specifying the role.

Not a cock lodger at all! Someone has to be there for the kids!

H’s job makes it extremely difficult for me to work f/t but I just work for the most money I can and don’t have a job with meaning (I’m sure I mean a lot to the people who’s houses I clean though 🤣). I do earn the same as H though I guess.

You work around his job despite being the higher earner (as your PT wage is the same as his FT one?)
I hope you also don't do 90% of all household stuff. it's one thing to make sacrifices for an actual 'big job' that pays well. Another to do so for something perfectly ordinary.
Unless he's actually saving lives or something.

Hi there just catching up, i didnt get the job so I'm sticking with the 4 day a week one, which yes is meaningful but very hard. Extra hours, weird work culture due to unusual/non corporate values, there's a mix of paid staff and volunteers which adds unusualness. Just pointing this out for pps who think meaningful = fun . No way.

I'm sorry if I've come accross as disrespecting people who work in corporate jobs or who are not able to choose a job to follow their principles, I do get that's a massive luxury sometimes.
Dh works in education if relevant.
Interesting take on whether to go ft or stay pt. Our finances, pensions etc are broadly ok.

It's been very grounding seeing the replies on this thread. Also realised that hardly any of my female friends work ft which cd be a factor.
had a large glass of wine and am feeling a bit shit/confused about my life's purpose but hey....

Yes its sure been an interesting thread. I realise the thread title was a bit goady though.

I should probably have pressed you are not being unreasonable but I didn't realise you are 51. Working full time in a demanding job with teens at home is exhausting and you and yr family will suffer unless you can then afford a cleaner and can have grandparents over to prep dinners and just be there for when they come home. This isn't an easy question to answer. Maybe there are jobs with higher salary but less meaning you could take PT for the next few years. Good luck

Can't see for going ft but something less do-gooder with a better salary PLUS joining a few Facebook support groups on issues you care about. On those you can put in 0 up to 24/7 at your choosing.

Do your children do chores? If not then they are old enough to do them and cooking sometimes so you and husband get a bit of a rest

Agreed, this type of cleaning job is a piece of piss. You turn up, do all the jobs on your list and go home. No clients or customers to deal with, just you and a hoover for a couple of hours. No taking any work worries home with you and you'll be keeping fit which is essential in meno.

Harsh to say you’re being “unreasonable”. Perhaps the question to ask yourself is are you happy you are fully and fairly contributing to Your Family PLC?

If not, is it time to step up?

I know exactly what you are talking about. My kids are 24, 22 and 16. I was Mum's carer until she died 3 years ago. I worked part time to fit around Mum and school runs. I now work 9 till 630 and Saturday morning. It's a major shock to house. Teas not cooked, unless 16 feeds her dad. I get repeatedly told by him I've taken on too much. It is hard work. I am knackered, I go to bed at 830, and get up at 6am to do everything. Job wise I was a cashier in supermarket, to fit round kids Now I'm a pharmacy dispenser and love it!

I have read all your posts OP and can absolutely sympathise. I think that training is the key for you - you need a longer term plan. 51 isn’t old. I didn’t start my degree until I was 40 with Open University and have continued courses since too - I am still taking more and am 53 now.

there is level 2 counselling qualifications available for free in some cases, and also levelling up funded level 3 courses (equivalent to A level), which you can do online, even on your phone.

would definitely recommend looking at futurelearn - a great platform with short courses to get you going that I have suggested to many of my staff. I run a charity and always encourage my staff to keep learning and also offer flexibility for them to do so, and flexibility for family life. We provide training for vulnerable, isolated and disadvantaged people and have some very harrowing cases to deal with too - safeguarding is constantly busy, and have both mentor advocate and counsellors on the team. Perhaps one of those type of roles would be something you could look at for the future?

another one to look at is freecourses - such as their counselling one.

counsellors charge good money and it can fit around other commitments:

https://freecoursesinengland.co.uk/google-counselling-skills/?utm_term=counselling%20course&utm_campaign=Lead+Gen+-+Counselling&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=8772894239&hsa_cam=19586247757&hsa_grp=146111175595&hsa_ad=645450525311&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-301080975587&hsa_kw=counselling%20course&hsa_mt=b&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gclid=CjwKCAjwvJyjBhApEiwAWz2nLerX0jdxAGypxrEyu0nf0YJD2vDDpt1NdcbQOYYWCWQQjc2vBNvGvhoCRmwQAvD_BwE

I, too, have always worked in the third sector and am a similar age. Could be “further up the career ladder” (in my sector ideally) now but time out for raising family has impacted my career etc etc. So similar in many ways. I am working full time but WFH makes a massive difference with balancing kids needs etc with work. Lots of roles offer that now in the sector. As do they flexible working, compressed hours etc. Or a readiness to consider eg 4 days even if the job advertised is FT. The bigger not for profits in particular.
For those who say kids that age can look after themselves etc, my experience is that teens are as needy as younger children but in different ways. And at this stage in life (even if they are nearby) grandparents are often past the age of helping out - in fact the opposite and the challenges of being in the “sandwich “ generation start to kick in so the caring load starts coming from 2 directions.

Good luck OP, I’d love to chew the rag with you on this one!