Am I the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

[Allwelcone]

I have 3 kids, 12, 14 and 15, with DH, and 1 from b4 who has left home. My "career" is crap due to time out for childcare, mutually agreed with dh.

I used to have a proper ft job before kids but since then and leaving London ive never worked ft and my salary has been dire, but I do only want to work for "jobs-with-meaning" so salary suffers. I went back to work as soon as youngest was in reception. I usually have worked 2.5-4 days a week.

I have a job interview tomorrow but the hours are miniscule (half time) and it's worrying DH as we are so overdrawn.

Now i have a 4-day pw charity job i do not enjoy at all, wrong skillset, chaotic managent, boss giving off signals that doesn't want me around (neg comments and I still havnt got passed probation for 9 months) so I do need to change.
But am I being lazy for not going ft? Am I being really inconsiderate? Dh hasn't said anything. I'm worried I'm being selfish. Our home could do with someone there, the kids need input and ferrying.

Whats my standing in the mumsnet arena?

I literally would not be me if I worked in corporate and dh knew thatcwjen he marriwd me. anyway I would get the sack immediately I'm sure for being shit or not caring.

I could look at increasing my skillset to move in to fundraising/grants I guess.

You're not a female cocklodger, but if the family is finding things financially tight then I think it's reasonable to accept you need to either increase your hours or get a better paying job instead of one with meaning.

He's already pretty astonished as I'm 4 days with no wfh

Sorry but even after the update about your discussion with your dh I think you need to widen your search beyond jobs that have meaning. To be honest your dh sounds like a people pleasure and the fact that he is saying that not having to pay for a job walker speaks volumes about your financial situation. That is something faced by loads of families but in your case it is because you are flitting around looking for jobs with meaning. Take some of the burden off dh

Yup local council is the interview tomorrow. Pay still shit. Civil service would not be a good fit for me, I know a few civil servants and I'm just much too much of a juicy loudmouth and not competent enough.

You’re obviously not a cocklodger, when you work and look after the family and you sound like you have a supportive DH.

If I were you, I would go full time (whether it’s this job or another that suits you better) and:

1. I’d reframe ‘jobs with meaning’ to ‘earning with meaning’ - so putting your family first, why miss out on a holiday when your kids are at the ages where they will remember holidays and your eldest is almost an adult, THIS is the time you want to be having fun with them before it’s too late and they don’t want to spend time with you.
2. Don’t take all the housework jobs on yourself. Your kids are big - assign housework tasks out as well as everyone gets a night where they cook. This all includes DH.
3. don’t let the kids have too many clubs you have to run around to. Make it manageable

That way, even with working more, the time you’re not working isn't just cooking/housework.

OK but I can't spreadsheet, can't do maths, I can't admin that well, I shd have trained as a social worker but too late now. My skillset belongs in the bonding empathy zone and making meaningful connections with other organisations.

@TiaraBoo like what, estate agent? Really not taking the p , I have considered it but u need to sell sell sell obviously. Retraining as a teacher, too late now I think and I wd go under with the stress I think.

Having a meaningful job is a luxury you simply can't afford.
You aren't being fair to your husband.
Why should he forsake a holiday while you don't do your fair share.

Ok, but what are you doing to update your skills? Have you actually sat down and worked out the maths. I know a Paramedic who now works in a Supermarket. Between taxes, commute cost etc he is actually coming out financially better off doing that job. It is not ideal but he has three kids and that is what works for him.

@AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen thank you for a very thoughtful post.

Yes ft is in my future

Hey OP, I'm also 51 and feel your pain. I worked 3 days when kids were younger, and went up to 4 days 4 years ago when DC3 was 8. Being at home is demanding- we all know this- and my DP is very much of the view that our family life would be too manic/ we would lose our weekends in housework/ garden work if we both worked full-time. It's something you need to think about.

DP has a new job- more money- and I'm going back to 3 days as of August as DC3 has ASN and his needs have changed and are, in some ways more challenging. It's the best decision for us. We earn the same, so no unbalance, and I've been the slightly higher earner until now, so I'm not in exactly the same situation as you.

We've made changes over the years to allow part-time work(DP was also 4 days for some years)- we holiday in the UK mainly/ no splashing the cash in other ways. We don't struggle at all, just budget.

Can you take the job and after a while see if you can up hours to 3/4 days? A side hustle with the dog walking is also a great idea (I tutor when I feel like it for extra for an abroad holiday/ car upgrade).

Yup. Its a bit of a trap. If I stick at it I cd move up into management but I've resisted that for some idea of staying "real"

Sorry but you being a juicy loudmouth is beyond a crap excuse. Sorry grow up. I had some sympathy but to be honest now you are just coming across as someone who takes no personal responsibility.

If your dh was posting as a woman people would be telling him he would be better off single.

You’re not a cocklodger, far from it.

I work 4 days a week, which seems a good balance. We have similar aged kids and they need a lot of support, with the house requiring ongoing effort. I worked full time for a while and everything fell apart. Having less time put the whole family under stress.

personally I’d look at what can be cut back expenses wise. What outgoings can be slimmed down.

My child is 14 and I still work part-time. I still have an overly full parenting schedule and DH definitely doesn’t want to take on even more than he already does. (Our child is not NT so our life is a bit higher maintenance than the parents of the average single teenager).

Never once has he expressed any desire for me to work more. we do have a comfortable joint income even without me working additional hours so that does help.

I’d go for council role 2.5 days. Then look on their vacancies for other roles you could pick up. You’ll also have access to lots of general training courses like IT. Additional work like polling station is available to council staff.

I've been in your position @Allwelcone And what we did was have a big chat like you did earlier with your DH.
It's all very well people saying you step up and do this and that, and poor DH etc.
We weighed up pros and cons of the extra money we'd get if I worked full time against the savings we could make by me having more time at home, and the luxury he felt at being able to focus on work better if I was doing a bigger share of the home/kid stuff.
We decided it works best for us for me to work part time. I am a lot like you in my attitude, and we are very happy with the decision we made.
Good luck!

Yes. Totally. I will have a think. With hindsight I would have stayed in my local council job or taken an opportunity I was offered 5 years ago. But I didn't.
Then 2 years ago I made a career jump to a better paid role and got shafted as the "charity" was shaft, no business plan, marketing was on fire and not in a good way so when the funding ran out I was binned.

@Dixiechickonhols yes the council can be good like that. @CocoaAglow well done and thank you.

I just meant the chances of me passing in the civil service are zero now. I just think I'd be awful at it. But I think your point is I should not male excuses for not beong able to earn more, in which case point taken, it is valid and is why I posted.

I would say to you:

1. I found working 3 days a week much more stressful than working 5. In 3 days a week you were always playing catch up. And I don't think they scale your work properly.
2. The charity sector are notorious for treating their staff badly and asking a lot of them due to their focus on "the cause", so you might find working for a big organisation easier.

YOu could consider volunteering a couple of evenings to offset taking a more commercial job if you felt that bad about it..

Whatever you do wait until you have a better job offer than 2.5 days a week, You can't afford it.

In the meantime, try and find out what your boss has against you and be more the employee they are looking for in order to secure that job for now. If that means being less opinionated, be less opinionated. It's not rocket science.

I think you know the answer - which is no, of course you haven’t been a female cocklodger (a titsitter?), you’ve raised 4 kids, and that was agreed with your DH - but if you carry on like this then yes you will be.

With your kids this age you cannot expect him to carry all the financial burden unless he earns enough to do so, which he doesn’t. You are not a child - work is called work for a reason, it’s not a hobby and it can’t be 100% fulfilling and fun.
You will both loose respect for you if don’t start acting like a grown up.

If you need to sort out how you can earn more money, then agree with him that you invest in a career coach to get it sorted. If he does long hours then you might perfectly reasonably do 4 days, but if that’s not possible then it has to be FT - in which case he has to really step up.

This change will be good for everyone.

What slack is there if your DH needs to reduce his hours? Three years ago my husband was diagnosed with a chronic condition and had to reduce his hours to better manage it (he's the main earner). We were really lucky that a few months earlier a promotion came up to increase my hours to full time (although I'm pro rata as I work term time).

We didn't expect it, but we realised how vulnerable we were. We've worked hard to clear our debts and reduce our spending so we can survive on less. I'm retraining to increase my earning potential. I loved my part-time job before the promotion (and definitely don't enjoy the new job as much) but as a family I need to earn more to support us should my husband need to work less.