Am I the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

[Allwelcone]

I have 3 kids, 12, 14 and 15, with DH, and 1 from b4 who has left home. My "career" is crap due to time out for childcare, mutually agreed with dh.

I used to have a proper ft job before kids but since then and leaving London ive never worked ft and my salary has been dire, but I do only want to work for "jobs-with-meaning" so salary suffers. I went back to work as soon as youngest was in reception. I usually have worked 2.5-4 days a week.

I have a job interview tomorrow but the hours are miniscule (half time) and it's worrying DH as we are so overdrawn.

Now i have a 4-day pw charity job i do not enjoy at all, wrong skillset, chaotic managent, boss giving off signals that doesn't want me around (neg comments and I still havnt got passed probation for 9 months) so I do need to change.
But am I being lazy for not going ft? Am I being really inconsiderate? Dh hasn't said anything. I'm worried I'm being selfish. Our home could do with someone there, the kids need input and ferrying.

Whats my standing in the mumsnet arena?

I think you are possibly being quite selfish. You pick basically a fun job, one which think has "meaning" and rule out the jobs which can enable your family to have a holiday and to pay off the overdraft.

You appear to have put most of the financial pressure on your husband and claim your kids who are almost adults need your time and help so you can't work longer hours.

I think actually your kids are at a stage in life where doing things for themselves will help them learn life skills - who knows those kids might also like a holiday which you could afford if you made different life choices?

@FlyingCircus93 "Tbh your posts do come across as you wanting it all and compromising on nothing"
I want a well paid pt job which polishes my soul whilst still enabling me to swan around. What's wrong with that?
Sorry I've gone stupid I'm going to bed, but really thank everyone for all your replies.

@Dorisbonson it would certainly not be a fun job

I have only read your posts so someone may have already suggested this but most large corporate companies have a community affairs type team who support volunteering, social responsibility type initiatives.

You say you at SE so guessing you could get to London where most HQs with these type of teams are based

A friend of mine has always wanted to work for a charity and do, as you say, meaningful work. But couldn’t justify taking a 50%+ pay cut. She recently moved internally to the community affairs team of her company and now organising national and international volunteering opportunities for staff across different sectors

Look at dog walking and sitting there is tonnes of money in it. £12 per walkies and £60 a day where my relatives are in the UK

The other thing to consider is if you want to be able to support your children through University, it’s a longer term expense and you’d be better bracing up now. Good luck, meant with sincere empathy but in my experience life is going to be more expensive in this next phase.

Ah I wish I had read this before replying. YABVU to have that sort of attitude when your family need you to step up and contribute financially. I am sure your husband would love to “swan about” too but because of your choices he can’t do that as he is primarily supporting the family financially

Marriage is a partnership and fair enough you chose to stay at home and raise the kids, but now that time has past you really need to do what your family needs and sorry the reality is that there is a lot wrong with your attitude

This.

I think people are getting hung up on the 'meaningful job' and are overlooking the fact that you've done the classic female thing of putting your career development at the bottom of the heap and fucking your earning potential in order to do the lion's share of domestic shit work and facilitate your DH's career.

I would hope that at the very least, 15 years of never having to wash his own pants or cook his own dinners has enabled him to climb pretty high up the ladder. Otherwise WTF is his excuse? If money's tight maybe he could also get a better job?

If his 'big job' has justified him getting away with opting out of the shitwork, It's not really reasonable for him to expect that after so many years of PT working in the non-profit sector and picking up his slack, you suddenly pull an entirely different skill set out of your arse and waltz into a £££ job at KPMG.

Also, the internalised misogyny of some of the posters on this thread is bonkers.

There is no reason you could not go full time.

Personally where there is another adult and no reason that they should not work there is no way I would work while they did not - 50/50 in every way is the most fair approach imo.

50/50 has to work both ways.

If OP works FT, he takes on half of the domestic duties at home.

Why are you dismissing things without trying? There’s more than one kind of job in the civil service you know and (shock) a lot of different people with different skills, personalities and backgrounds.

Yes I do.. Infact I think anyone is who doesn't go back to full time work when baby is 3 months.

No one enjoys doing admin, this is stuff you can learn.

There are many roles within social work teams that don't require you to be a social worker - family support worker, edge of care advocate etc. But all will require a determined work ethic and willingness to do admin.

@Allwelcone

most jobs require some degree of admin OP
No one really likes doing it, you just have to get on with it.

Not a fannylodger but a bit of a brat. Wen you are so skint you cannot afford your misplaced idealism and need to step up and earn proper money too.

I don’t think you’re a cocklodger - the point about cocklodgers is that they don’t contribute either domestically or financially.

But you don’t sound all that employable anyway tbh. Employers aren’t usually keen on ‘juicy loudmouths’ who want to ‘swan around’ and won’t learn how to use a spreadsheet or do admin.

Have you kept up payments towards a pension .

I have never heard the turn of phrase "juicy loudmouth" before.

Is it well known? Does it mean a gossip, as in juicy gossip?...

I don't think you are a cocklodger OP.

You work 4 days plus do most of the household tasks and teen ferrying/ supporting, if I've read it correctly?

I admit though I find your style of writing a bit annoying! Sort of fake self deprecating? But I'm guessing that's from feeling worried and insecure about your own worth.

I think you contribute to your family plenty!

I think if you're struggling financially you're going to have to up your income if he cant up his. Not that you are a female cocklodger as you are raising your children. Could you look for part time work that fits around your current job? Weekend shop work?

I do only want to work for "jobs-with-meaning" so salary suffers
You've been busy rejecting all suggestions anyone makes about jobs that pay while having the types of human interaction you enjoy. Given you aren't willing to consider compromising on your very limited world view, and I believe you when you say you aren't clever enough, what do you want from the post? You want people to agree you're limiting your family's opportunities due to selfishness - well yeah, you are, well done you. Tidying up the house a bit doesn't change that.

I want a well paid pt job which polishes my soul whilst still enabling me to swan around. What's wrong with that?
Wanting to be part time, there's nothing wrong with it. Women's salaries take a hit when we go part time post children, but your situation has been compounded by only wanting to have a certain type of job that you say yourself is low paid.

If any family is tight on money the priority needs to be on securing the family finances so one adult saying they only want a job that they find personally morally fulfilling, and they don't really fancy corporate, and they don't do admin, don't like spreadsheets, they'd get the sack from other roles for not caring enough, and it sounds like the family is expected to make sacrifices because one adult is unreasonably picky about what they are willing to do.

Lots of jobs have admin involved. Most people don't love admin, but we do it because it's basic part of many jobs. Most people don't have a deep moral calling in their line of work, but it pays the bills, they're friendly and professional and they do their job to the required standards.

Your sense of identity is tied to 'having a job with meaning and being a bit maverick'. Yy there are lots of people like that in the charity sector but they also exist outwith. Partly what you're experiencing is an identity crisis. You're still a 'good' person (well as much as you are now) even if saviour status isn't conferred from your role.
Make an appointment with a careers advisor. From the limited information you have given here, you do have desirable transferable skills eg networking; managing and building community connections. But tbh you need to address your attitude and self-worth first.