Am I the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

[Allwelcone]

I have 3 kids, 12, 14 and 15, with DH, and 1 from b4 who has left home. My "career" is crap due to time out for childcare, mutually agreed with dh.

I used to have a proper ft job before kids but since then and leaving London ive never worked ft and my salary has been dire, but I do only want to work for "jobs-with-meaning" so salary suffers. I went back to work as soon as youngest was in reception. I usually have worked 2.5-4 days a week.

I have a job interview tomorrow but the hours are miniscule (half time) and it's worrying DH as we are so overdrawn.

Now i have a 4-day pw charity job i do not enjoy at all, wrong skillset, chaotic managent, boss giving off signals that doesn't want me around (neg comments and I still havnt got passed probation for 9 months) so I do need to change.
But am I being lazy for not going ft? Am I being really inconsiderate? Dh hasn't said anything. I'm worried I'm being selfish. Our home could do with someone there, the kids need input and ferrying.

Whats my standing in the mumsnet arena?

You are deluding yourself because it suits you.

You clearly cannot afford thus luxury if you are living in an overdraft.

You have skills. If you were genuine about wanting to work and contribute meaningfully to the household income, if you give me detail about them, I'm sure people could post plenty of suggestions for suitable reasonably paid roles.

Charity fundraising, victim advocacy or supports, housing agencies, grant applications, women's aid, refuge centres, student support etc

You seem far more content to let your husband shoulder all financial responsibility.

‘Moralistic Princess’ is putting a positive spin on things! Ultimately, you’ve got 4 children yet want holidays, nice house etc. I think it’s a bit entitled to focus on wanting a job with meaning when you need it the money.

Honestly,be kinder to yourself. Try incorporate mindfulness or ways of relaxing to restore your balance

All of this makes me grit my teeth a bit (few people like admin but we just get on with it ) but, to put it kindly, the "bonding empathy ' thing is bizarrely niche and i definitely think you need look at widening your skillset

All of this makes me grit my teeth a bit (few people like admin but we just get on with it ) but, to put it kindly, the "bonding empathy ' thing is bizarrely niche and i definitely think you need look at widening your skillset

Well presumably your DH works in a qualified role and so did you before chucking it in for the kids. Not cool for him to push you towards some mindless drudgery if it's something he wouldn't take on himself.

Are you totally cut off from your firmer qualifications OP? Any chance you could build on them/retrain in some fashion? Have you talked to a career advisor/job coach? Bit difficult to judge without knowing exactly what type of jobs we are talking about here, but I understand that might be outing.

.. I also think… and I am sorry this is all a bit harsh, because you sound like a great person… that you have to stop thinking being hopeless and using baby talk is cute (pinky promise, I can’t spread sheet) - it isn’t on anyone, and certainly not at 51.

I do think you are perfectly able actually, and I also think you know you are, but you have a bit of a schlick going because you are scared of moving onto the next stage of your life.

I do think life will be better for everyone, including you, if you do. But on a practical level with no safety net right now your family is very vulnerable if anything went wrong with your DH’s health or career.

Yeah there is actually a full time job going which would suit me. Maybe I should go for it. Maybe they might consider 4 days. Dh works away and yes the house and kid stuff is intense.
Re being financially vulnerable we did rake out insurance against illness years ago but obviously its not always plain sailing.

I cannot even believe you've asked this question! You need to work on your self esteem, sharpish.

You're a married woman with 3 kids to your husband. Running a home and bringing up kids is a job in itself. Of course you're not a cocklodger! If it works for your husband and kids, I wouldn't give a monkeys what mumsnet thought!

But...if you ate overdrawn regularly then a better paid job might be worth a look.

If it’s full time council then even if they won’t drop to 4 days you can buy additional leave, take parental leave etc to work less than ft.
I’d get your foot back in door and see.

Being a married woman is not a job.

The OP has explained they are skint and her husband is worried about finances.

Of course she hasn’t been dossing in the past, she has been raising kids. But at this point they are secondary aged and she needs to sort out her career and earn some money, for everyone’s sake.

If you can't afford the bills, then as a couple you need to earn more. So more hours or second job or pay rise. Or you need to spend less. Cheaper shops. Less fun.

If you work more, he needs to do house more.

If he doesn't want to do house more so you don't want to work more, you need to spend less.

It should be a shared responsibility, not something one of you unilaterally decides..

You could work for a housing association they do a lot more than just provide housing - there’s all the support services in the community too- supported living, health issues, domestic violence help, work in the community, sustainability.

The civil service is incredibly eclectic and employs all sorts of people in a vast range of jobs. Operations, front line services, back office functions, you name it. Pay and conditions are good and jobs are secure. Don't write it off!

If you feel you should have been a Social Worker then why not consider applying for unqualified Social Work roles? Councils tend to be very good at considering compressed hours of not part time?

@Luredbyapomegranate harsh but definitely food for thought. Might explain why I have seemingly royally pissed off one of my managers. I need to get more serious! I guess cute worked when I was young and... cute...

Which is what I said in the post underneath the one you quoted.

The kdis aren't babies. If you need to work more, they'll old enough to come home, let themselves in, start some bits for dinner or get a snack and start home work. To pick up their PJs from the morning and wash up the breakfast dishes etc.

Re your lack of office skills, the days you aren't working, get online. Find a free course. Excel isn't hard. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. What math can't you do? How did you manage without it before kids? Do you help the kids with their homework? You're likely more capable than you think. If not sign up for a course.

And I say this as a SAHP so I'm not dissing in you for not working 40 hours

You need to decide what parts you want to indulge. You aren't in a financial position to decide to do meaningful jobs which are also part time. You need to do a meaningful full time post. Either that or a part time corporate one.

Corporate culture is such because most people put a lid on their actual personalities and adopt a sort of tamed down work personality. It's called being professional!

Also, I'm sure you'd find most people who are doing well paid but boring jobs would much rather do "meaningful" roles that they believe in...but they realise that money is important to their lifestyle choices, so they compromise.

Tbh your posts do come across as you wanting it all and compromising on nothing.

You cannot be a cocklodger/gold digger when working. Or even when not working if contributing to the house but defo not in your case

Myself and one of my relatives have had meaningful jobs that the public would tell you have helped society.

Both of us agree ultimately we’ve had minimal impact on the world, human need is never ending & the public are awful.

Your dh needs you to help him more than some service user who wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire.

Yup I do look at housing assoc jobs, i have worked there before. The pay in those particular areas isn't great round here. I think ft has better pay not just pro-rata and there are more opps.
I think I'm really debating ft vs pt. 🤔
On reflection there are ft jobs out there for me. I'm just really reluctant to rake the plunge if we can manage without.

Oh god don't know whether to laugh or cry. Might have wine. Oh no I can't, need to prep for job interview