Am I the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

[Allwelcone]

I have 3 kids, 12, 14 and 15, with DH, and 1 from b4 who has left home. My "career" is crap due to time out for childcare, mutually agreed with dh.

I used to have a proper ft job before kids but since then and leaving London ive never worked ft and my salary has been dire, but I do only want to work for "jobs-with-meaning" so salary suffers. I went back to work as soon as youngest was in reception. I usually have worked 2.5-4 days a week.

I have a job interview tomorrow but the hours are miniscule (half time) and it's worrying DH as we are so overdrawn.

Now i have a 4-day pw charity job i do not enjoy at all, wrong skillset, chaotic managent, boss giving off signals that doesn't want me around (neg comments and I still havnt got passed probation for 9 months) so I do need to change.
But am I being lazy for not going ft? Am I being really inconsiderate? Dh hasn't said anything. I'm worried I'm being selfish. Our home could do with someone there, the kids need input and ferrying.

Whats my standing in the mumsnet arena?

You need to be a little kinder to yourself

Ah thank you @Newnamenewname109870 was going to add I'm 51 and have had the standard crappness of meno issues, no sleep for a while, better now with hrt.

I don’t think anybody can answer this for you. Your kids are obviously old enough to not need full time intensive childcare from you, but we don’t know how much housework, gardening, driving kids around etc still needs to be done.

Why can’t you just have an open conversation with your husband about a better balance?

FWIW though if you’re actually overdrawn I think you should be looking for jobs that pay well rather than “jobs with meaning”.

The kids can fend for themselves if we let them, the older teens should be able to get to and from clubs/friends -they all should be able to cobble some snack together after school.

I think you do need to step up.

Just get a job, even if corporate. It doesn’t sound as if you can afford to indulge your “Jobs with meaning” mantra. You need to get realistic.

I wouldn't call you that because you're working and active in bringing up your children.
I would, however, try to go for more money if your family is struggling financially.
Maybe you can go part time in a year or so when your finances are back on track and maybe dcs get a part time job to fund themselves somewhat.

the female equivalent is a gold digger, you dont sound like that at all!

I wouldn't call you a cocklodger because contrary to MN wisdom, I actually think the kids need you more when they are in their teens. That was my experience, anyway. That said, if you are overdrawn, you should probably go for jobs with money rather than meaning?

Thanks for replies. Food for thought. I literally don't know what a Corp job wd be - my skillset now is all around being community connect-y amd working with non profits.

There are always nuances but if money was a struggle for me then I’d want to earn as much as possible.

I appreciate wanting a ‘meaningful’ job but if that wasn’t not possible whilst meeting financial obligations then I’d suck it up.

No you’re not. You are making a difference. Can you hold your nose and go for something FT / better paid for a year, clear debt, then look again for something else?

I agree that you need to be a bit pragmatic about this right now. Do you have a mortgage? It's not ideal to keep getting further and further overdrawn.

Can you take a better paying full time role and give it a deadline in your head to just power through it?

The kids will be fine, they're old enough. You and your DH can get a schedule structured for their needs pretty fast.

You work four days a week and even though your DC are older, they still need plenty of looking after I bet. I'll hazard a guess that you do the majority of housework.

I think if the family is struggling financially then earning more money does need to be a priority. And if a job with meaning is the goal, sort out a five year plan which means you’d be able to service family needs with a lower income, and then work towards that job when the plan is in place.

You need to speak to DH about an even way of dividing up the house and DC stuff so that you won’t be both working full time and doing everything else as well, though.

I went full time when my youngest started school and we've managed the minor chaos at home purely because it's meant we're comfortable financially. I appreciate its a decision every family needs to make on the basis of what is important to them/any specific circumstances which mean one parent could/should not work or work part time hours. Given the age of your children (similar to mine) I'd say they should be helping with the cooking and cleaning etc.

20p on this being a reverse??

but I do only want to work for "jobs-with-meaning" so salary suffers

I only want to work 1 day a week, but I dont because I need to provide for my family, so I work more.

it's worrying DH as we are so overdrawn.

you can't afford not to work

I’ve cut down from 30 to 20 hours because I can’t cope with the hours as well as everything the kids need.

I wish I could boss work and home but I’ve come to accept that I can’t.

I don't deserve too much sympathy as dh does earn a good salary but we are in the SE blah blah usual sob story, high mortgage, high travel costs for both jobs etc.

we could cut back on a few things. I was suggesting we don't go on holiday this year l, which was met with terror by dh.
Maybe I could look at getting a second job if I did get this one tomorrow.

There might be better paid jobs with meaning?

I totally understand this scenario. Especially about not knowing what corporate job would be suitable. It seems like a different world from the non-profit world. Do corporate places even let people who usually do non profit work in the door? My impression is the staff are very different. I’d love to have a job that earned lots of money but I’d need an entirely different personality/education etc.?

@Iyiyiiii nope I'd never be 'clever" enough for that also I'd consider it a waste of everyone's time. Pinky promise.

@ArtimisGame yes never the twain! 100%.

You aren't being a gold digger, no.

You do need to realise, however, that going deeply into overdraft to fund a 'meaningful' job is unwise at any time, more so now.

Teenagers tend to need a lot of support, but worsening your financial situation in that vain will cause more problems than it solves.

You're not a female cock lodger - you're working and looking after your family, you don't sound lazy at all. However you do sound a little... idealistic? If money is really tight then you might need to let go of some of your ideals.

Yes I have been struggling a bit. A 4 day week one would be great but I can't find one right now.
This is helping me re-frame my dilemma thanks everyone.