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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

240 replies

Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 18:50

I have 3 kids, 12, 14 and 15, with DH, and 1 from b4 who has left home. My "career" is crap due to time out for childcare, mutually agreed with dh.

I used to have a proper ft job before kids but since then and leaving London ive never worked ft and my salary has been dire, but I do only want to work for "jobs-with-meaning" so salary suffers. I went back to work as soon as youngest was in reception. I usually have worked 2.5-4 days a week.

I have a job interview tomorrow but the hours are miniscule (half time) and it's worrying DH as we are so overdrawn.

Now i have a 4-day pw charity job i do not enjoy at all, wrong skillset, chaotic managent, boss giving off signals that doesn't want me around (neg comments and I still havnt got passed probation for 9 months) so I do need to change.
But am I being lazy for not going ft? Am I being really inconsiderate? Dh hasn't said anything. I'm worried I'm being selfish. Our home could do with someone there, the kids need input and ferrying.

Whats my standing in the mumsnet arena?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 18/05/2023 20:28

If your looking DS are older now I think you could try to get a full time job that pays better to help clear the overdraft and build up some savings. As you get 5 or 10 years older and after full menopause you will get more tired and may need to drop back to part time. I'd try to get in a few years of full time to make your partnership more equal. Get DH to help do more around house and allocate the kids a couple of chores each. My DS does all recycling, tidies shoes on rack, and unloads and puts away all shopping. He also sorts his laundry into colours and whites and puts in correct piles and empties the dishwasher and puts things away. . He does a few other jobs for me like going around bathrooms bringing towels to be washed and putting clean ones into the bathrooms and he strips his bed each week so bedding can be washed. If you are trying to do everything around the house yourself I'm not surprised you get tired. He is 16 and has additional needs.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 20:28

DepartureLounge · 18/05/2023 20:01

I think it's really hard to move into the professional world in middle age after decades spent child-wrangling, shouldering the mental load for the family and doing less demanding work that fits around it all. As a sector it's changed out of all recognition in the last 25-30 years and even job searches and applications can be totally incomprehensible if you haven't been learning the corpo-speak, before you even get anywhere near the jobs themselves. I think it's fantastically daunting and also might be a long old slog to convince anyone to employ you, even if you're smart and actually have lots of skills.

I also take the view that in doing part-time, non-corporate work but additionally picking up the overhead on teen-support, housework and all that, you're putting your husband in a position to be able to focus on his higher-earning work - in other words, every pound that he earns is partly earned by you too.

I think you're being really hard on yourself and although it's obvious that something needs to change if you're living off an overdraft, I think if you're suggesting things like not having a holiday and he's horrified, then he's as much a part of the problem as you. You're not suggesting he can't take any annual leave fgs, just not spend it on an expensive vacation.

So I think you probably both need to sit down and look at economies as well as realistic ways you could earn more. In your shoes, I would look less at the corporate sector and more at self-employed or entrepreneurial possibilities. I bet you have a shed load of transferable skills.

Thank you so much. I really do make life easier for him, there's no way he cd do his job without me I do so much organising and mental load stuff.

OP posts:
GeriKellmansUpdo · 18/05/2023 20:29

I expect OP's DH will be quite astonished at all the housework there is to do if she goes full-time. But it would be good for him to be astonished.

Camillasfagwrinkles · 18/05/2023 20:30

I think having a meaningful job is a big luxury that few could afford. I'd love a more interesting job but no chance of that. Got to make that cash. I don't think you're a complete cocklodger but I do think you're taking the piss a bit. You're only 51. Lots of time to work on getting a better paid job.

SweetSakura · 18/05/2023 20:31

fluffyunicornsandrainbows · 18/05/2023 19:37

Crikey, OP. I'm the same age as you, and no way would I have the mental or emotional capacity to look after three children still at school, never mind have any kind of job as well. Children between 11 and 16 are far harder work than toddlers. I am in awe.

Really? Maybe I have got lucky with my 4 (9-16) but I have a very full time senior level job and a chronic health condition and am contemplating doing a professional qualification next year on top. Yes emotionally they need me (and it's fun to do things together)!but practically they do a lot around the house and get themselves to and from school etc

Original poster
Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 20:33

Just an update to everyone who's taken the time to reply, thank you, know it maybe seems as if I've only engaged with those backing me up...but
Dh came home and we did chat, he says he doesn't see that I'm being selfish and we can make it work eg working certain days so we can cut out the dog walker, no commute saving fuel, maybe even becoming a dog walker on other days who knows...also going through finances and seeing where we can trim.

Also havnt got the job yet anyway! But it's made me very happy to be supported.

OP posts:
redskylight · 18/05/2023 20:35

I don't think you are a cocklodger but I don't think you (or your family) have the luxury of you choosing to work at a job you like that's not particularly well paid.

Why not hold your nose with a more corporate job and volunteer on the side?
You evidently have skills and a solid work history. I'm sure there is something that would suit.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 20:35

@SweetSakura are you wfh though? Omg I feel lazy now hahaha. I let my career slip massively. Needs must for many families I am lucky I don't have to work in some zero hours gig which is so unfair for many.

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 18/05/2023 20:36

You only want to work PT but also insist on a job with meaning?Yes, that is extremely selfish imo.How is it fair to put that on your DC and your DH?

Fairislefandango · 18/05/2023 20:37

I'm 51 too, OP, and a year ago I was in exactly the same position. Had worked pt and doing bits and bobs for years since dc. Lost confidence and wondered if I'd cope going back ft. Felt guilty about not contributing enough.

After lots of job rejections in the last couple of years, feeling very disheartened, I started my new ft job in September. I love it. I feel like I've got a new lease of life and last week I went for a promotion and got it! Going back to a 'proper' job will be hard work, but maybe it will give you a new lease of life if you find something that works for you.

fadeddoor · 18/05/2023 20:37

I think you sound lovely op, and considerate.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 20:38

Camillasfagwrinkles · 18/05/2023 20:30

I think having a meaningful job is a big luxury that few could afford. I'd love a more interesting job but no chance of that. Got to make that cash. I don't think you're a complete cocklodger but I do think you're taking the piss a bit. You're only 51. Lots of time to work on getting a better paid job.

The non profit/charity sector is notoriousy unrelenting with emotionally draining underpaid work. Funding precarious, expected to work extra hours and days, stressed management often keen to sht on frontline as they were sht on before...

OP posts:
Original poster
Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 20:40

@Fairislefandango wow amazing! I don't know why I feel so eergh about it, I think I must be where you were a year ago. I do think ft is where to be for the opps, I just feel so strung out right now.

OP posts:
BelleMarionette · 18/05/2023 20:40

Yes, I think yabu to not maximise your earning potential, when you are putting your family into debt. If this was a man doing the same thing he would definitely be called a cocklodger.

JandalsAlways · 18/05/2023 20:41

Well given you are overdrawn, I think you should be earning more given you can but you don't want too. Many people don't think their jobs but do it pit of necessity

Original poster
Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 20:41

fadeddoor · 18/05/2023 20:37

I think you sound lovely op, and considerate.

I might print this out and hang it up thank you

OP posts:
HamBone · 18/05/2023 20:42

You’re not a female cocklodger, OP, you’ve shouldered the family load and you are contributing financially-but if you’re overdrawn, you clearly need to make some changes. It’s good that you and your DH have talked about strategies, keep working on this together and you’ll find a solution.

I also work in the nonprofit sector and have had to cut my hours recently as I’m supporting my elderly Dad, who hadn’t been well. It’s frustrating when you want to do more, but feel constrained. My children are just 18 and 14 and we expect them to do more at home nowadays, because I need the time for my Dad. Yours can step up as well if you find another job or get a second job. They may moan abit, but that’s life!

TowerRaven7 · 18/05/2023 20:42

I work part time for a non profit that’s a wonderful job where I make my own hours but pay is very lacking. However if we were overdrawn or needed money to pay the bills I’d give it up for one that pays decently.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 20:43

JandalsAlways · 18/05/2023 20:41

Well given you are overdrawn, I think you should be earning more given you can but you don't want too. Many people don't think their jobs but do it pit of necessity

I think I would become a nervous wreck if I did my current job full time, the people I "help" often die (not coz of me I hasten to add, just thw nature of the job) . But yes its a juggling act.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 18/05/2023 20:44

Allwelcone · 18/05/2023 20:35

@SweetSakura are you wfh though? Omg I feel lazy now hahaha. I let my career slip massively. Needs must for many families I am lucky I don't have to work in some zero hours gig which is so unfair for many.

3 days in the office , 2 at home.
I am not so much motivated by money as need for an intellectual challenge admittedly!

gamerchick · 18/05/2023 20:44

If I was your husband I would find this extremely irritating and difficult not to resent

If my husband recoiled in'terror' at the thought of no holiday, despite being well overdrawn. I'd find that irritating.

Sounds like both of you need to sort out your priorities tbh. Some jobs are shit, but they bring in coin.

Holiday and jobs with meaning indeed.

He needs to step up and take on some of the running of the house as well.

SweetSakura · 18/05/2023 20:45

And I do get your wish to make a difference, I could easily earn double if I moved from public sector to private

Handpickled · 18/05/2023 20:45

I think you should think about your vulnerability if anything happens to DH and his work. Illness, redundancy or all sorts could make you poorly placed to pick up the slack. We were set up similarly to you and my dh became unexpectedly ill and probably will never work again. This could be a good opportunity to start thinking longer term about jobs where you could thrive should things change. Doesn’t matter if you have those kinds of things covered or alternative plans but a bit of a plans and what ifs audit can be useful sometimes. Good luck with the job.

HamBone · 18/05/2023 20:46

BelleMarionette · 18/05/2023 20:40

Yes, I think yabu to not maximise your earning potential, when you are putting your family into debt. If this was a man doing the same thing he would definitely be called a cocklodger.

@BelleMarionette I think that’s abit harsh. The term cocklodger is usually reserved for someone who’s doing v. little in terms of childcare, household tasks or financially. The OP IS contributing in all those areas.

Shes just not contributing enough financially atm, and that needs to change.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 18/05/2023 20:46

It all depends on whether you and dh share other stuff.
Cleaning, cooking, food / childrens stuff shop, laundry, gardening, ferrying kids to clubs / matches etc.
If that’s all down to you OP. Then you could be full on in the evenings and at the weekend.
So if you and dh are 50/50 on that then yes you should work the same as your dh.
If it’s not equal with you doing most then work back accordingly. If you spend all day Sunday ferrying between football matches whilst dh has a rest. Well that’s equal to a work day. So knock a day off your work week.
Making everything equal makes everything fare between in a partnership.

Once you’ve done that calc then discuss with dh where you both are, as a family.
This is about working together, after all you’ve sacrificed a lot of work experience to have 4 children and I believe you have a right, after making that sacrifice, for you to now follow your passion.

Personally I don’t think it’s fare that you should be expected to follow the money.
Be happy and cut back on other stuff.

Or
If you’ve got the energy pick up a small part time job to supplement.