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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lodger and booby traps

510 replies

Hoppygolightly · 18/05/2023 15:25

Hi

I have had a lodger for the past year , clean tidy and shares house.

I have an ensuite so she generally has main bathroom to herself. She does not I stress have an ensuite , she shares main bathroom and usually has to herself

In the past year a handful if visitors have used the main bathroom and this really upsets her and she will then loudly and obviously start cleaning it and disinfecting it and sighing , this could be when someone has just washed their hands , I'm not talking about leaving a filthy toilet etc

Realised yesetrday she has wedged toilet paper in the bathroom door so she can see if ils been opened and toilet paper around the toilet seat so she can see if it has been lifted

Hasn't spoken to me about any of this, if someone's used that bathroom she will clean up noisily, spray air freshener everywhere and not speak to me for a while

I know it's weird , I can't stop visitors using the main bathroom unless I tell them to use my ensuite , had a friend over at the weekend and did actually do that so as not to cause issues ..but they look at me like I'm crazy

Apart from this she is great, but I'm thinking it's bloody odd , it makes visitors feel really awkward !

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 18/05/2023 18:24

Cross-posted. Looks like my 50 percent was about right 😁

ejbaxa · 18/05/2023 18:26

Just send your guests to your bathroom. Problem solved.

If you generally have the arrangement where you have the ensuite and she has the main one AND you know she has hygiene issues, it's so easy to send your guests to the ensuite. It clearly upsets her, so why do it when there's such an easy way out?

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 18/05/2023 18:29

ejbaxa · 18/05/2023 18:26

Just send your guests to your bathroom. Problem solved.

If you generally have the arrangement where you have the ensuite and she has the main one AND you know she has hygiene issues, it's so easy to send your guests to the ensuite. It clearly upsets her, so why do it when there's such an easy way out?

Because OP shouldn't be denied access to a designated shared area of her own home. The lodger has her private bedroom, the bathroom is not for her sole use.

MzHz · 18/05/2023 18:35

Hoppygolightly · 18/05/2023 16:51

Some very helpful comments thank you

I clean the whole house every Sunday and buy all toilet roll, soap , bleach and cleaning stuff. I also put hand towels and bath mat in main bathroom

I would stress if anyone stays over and wants a shower they tend to always use my ensuite so they use my products

Its become such a drama if someone uses main bathroom now that it has become de facto hers , as I don't want the passive aggressive behaviour afterwards

Agree it might be OCD of some kind but she won't talk about it so at a loss

Doesn't mean I'm not irritated at rolls of loo roll being used to wedge door and toilet seat !!!

Oh stop being such a wimp!

Tell her that the bathroom is the main bathroom for the house and anyone visiting will be using it. She needs to remove the booby traps and pack in the PassAgg behaviour because it’s making her look idiotic, petty and childish.

suggest to her that if she wants her own bathroom to rent somewhere that has its own en suite, or buy her own house.

Original poster
Hoppygolightly · 18/05/2023 18:37

Thanks , these are all valid points

It's London, Bloomsberry area and rents are high here

The room is a standard double , no ensuite but use of a general bathroom , and mostly not used by anyone else

It's a cheap rent as I have kept under the rent a room allowance , to those saying give her the master bedroom with ensuite that wouldn't make sense !

Talking to her tonight , and see how things can work in the future

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoppygolightly · 18/05/2023 18:38

MzHz · 18/05/2023 18:35

Oh stop being such a wimp!

Tell her that the bathroom is the main bathroom for the house and anyone visiting will be using it. She needs to remove the booby traps and pack in the PassAgg behaviour because it’s making her look idiotic, petty and childish.

suggest to her that if she wants her own bathroom to rent somewhere that has its own en suite, or buy her own house.

Show quote history

I am a wimp I know !!!

OP posts:
DyslexicPoster · 18/05/2023 18:50

Good luck! You will be fine. Its your house after all, she can't kick you out.

blueshoes · 18/05/2023 18:51

I like having her here , just so awkward when anyone round and I have to explain no please don't use main bathroom go to my bedroom and use my ensuite , the frantic cleaning after someone has used main bathroom particularly if they are around implies some kind of bathroom accident and embarrresse everybody me included!

LaLoose · 18/05/2023 18:51

Are you sure? Cos that’s not how you spell Bloomsbury.

blueshoes · 18/05/2023 18:55

blueshoes · 18/05/2023 18:51

I like having her here , just so awkward when anyone round and I have to explain no please don't use main bathroom go to my bedroom and use my ensuite , the frantic cleaning after someone has used main bathroom particularly if they are around implies some kind of bathroom accident and embarrresse everybody me included!

Argh I was quoting the OP above and not sure why mn did not include my post.

Anyway, I think it is very rude and entitled of your lodger to clean up nosily while your guests still around. She is out to embarass you and your guests and shaming them publicly. This is terribly disrespectful to you. She is not even paying market rent for her room. I would be so cross and no way I would put up with it.

It would be with pleasure that I would let her have it with both barrels by now.

Flopsythebunny · 18/05/2023 18:58

sillyonehetpes · 18/05/2023 16:10

This is often the case.

If she's good just ask guests to use your bathroom.

Oh you don't like that.... well maybe she doesn't either

It isn't the lodger's bathroom though is it?

Premiumchange · 18/05/2023 19:01

Op you really need to be firm about this. Remind her that it is not her bathroom, it is a shared bathroom. As such other people will use it, you might from time to time and so will your guests. You won't have your friends being made to feel uncomfortable, which is what she's doing at the moment, nor will you have daft booby traps left around. She will find them moved because it is your bathroom and you will use it if you want to.

Don't be a wimp, if she wants exclusive use of any facilities she'll have to move. If you let her carry on like this it will be your kitchen next.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 18/05/2023 19:01

Good luck OP, hopefully you can’t Lear this up

Premiumchange · 18/05/2023 19:02

LaLoose · 18/05/2023 18:51

Are you sure? Cos that’s not how you spell Bloomsbury.

You know that posters often change their real life details to obscure their identity?

roarfeckingroarr · 18/05/2023 19:05

That's incredibly cheap! Before I had DC I used to rent my small double spare room (no en suite) for £1000pcm in zone 2, so not even central.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/05/2023 19:10

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 15:45

Maybe she has ocd.

It can make you very uncomfortable when other people use your bathroom if you have ocd. Especially if she is germaphobic.

Not excusing her behaviour bit it would be horriy stressful for her. Even someone sitting on the toilet seat she uses wpuld be like...if someone licked your cups all over and let you drink from them.

Especially if she doesn't know what has been used.

Imagine going into your kitchen and not knowing what was safe to touch and what wasn't.

OK you'd think she would have opted for an ensuite if she had this issue. Bit sometimes these disorders come on or worsen suddenly
Due to stress ect...

What you say is true!

However, if this person has OCD she should either get treatment or pay for accommodation where she doesn't need to share bathrooms.

Unfair to make owner and friends feel awkward.

MarkWithaC · 18/05/2023 19:11

Good luck, OP. She's being really weird. Excuse my ignorance about OCD, but would she be obsessive about the kitchen/rest of house too if that's what it was? Or can OCD just manifest around one room/one idea (e.g. bathroom hygiene)?

ohnonowwhat · 18/05/2023 19:27

ejbaxa · 18/05/2023 18:26

Just send your guests to your bathroom. Problem solved.

If you generally have the arrangement where you have the ensuite and she has the main one AND you know she has hygiene issues, it's so easy to send your guests to the ensuite. It clearly upsets her, so why do it when there's such an easy way out?

I tend to agree - of course she's in the wrong but clearly she doesn't like strangers using 'her' bathroom, if she's great apart from this why cause needless upset just to make a point? I'd let it go and ask your guests to use your en-suite, at least you know her weirdness now, if you kick her out you may find yourself with someone much worse. TBH I feel it would be sort of expected that if there were two of you in the house and two bathrooms it would make sense to just have one each unless it was a real slog to get to the en-suite - but them I'm weird about sharing bathrooms too!

ohnonowwhat · 18/05/2023 19:35

MarkWithaC · 18/05/2023 19:11

Good luck, OP. She's being really weird. Excuse my ignorance about OCD, but would she be obsessive about the kitchen/rest of house too if that's what it was? Or can OCD just manifest around one room/one idea (e.g. bathroom hygiene)?

As far as I know there's little logic - you might be fine sharing cutlery but not cups, sharing a toilet but not a basin etc. Completely normal for her to be ok with sharing everything else but upset about bathrooms or toilets. Less normal to rent a room where she'd have to share, but maybe she hadn't tried it before so didn't realise it would effect her as much, or maybe it's a new thing - OCD fluctuates a lot I believe, especially in times of stress. I would have trouble with a bathroom that was basically mine and I felt I could leave dirty clothes in, not immediately scrub the bath etc but then every so often discover someone had been in... I think I'd be far happier with a completely shared bathroom personally.

Original poster
Hoppygolightly · 18/05/2023 19:36

Thanks we have had a chat

Yes she doesn't want to share a bathroom with anyone but particularly men

She didn't think I would have any visitors which is why it's a problem

She wants to stay in zone 1 but can't afford rental on an ensuite , get where she is coming from, as to what to do, I don't know

We are both going to have a think and talk after weekend

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 18/05/2023 19:43

If she doesn't like sharing a bathroom she needs to pay for an ensuite room

poetryandwine · 18/05/2023 19:49

It is great that you’ve had a talk. How did you think it went? Were you comfortable? Was she? Did she give any indication of how this attitude may have begun?

Completely unrealistic for her to expect exclusive use of the bathroom for a rent of £600 pcm in Zone 1. I also agree with PPs who are concerned that if she gets her way with this it may be the start of a slippery slope. If you think she is worth keeping maybe you could negotiate exclusive use of this bathroom for less than she would pay elsewhere. If the market rate is £1000 pcm, perhaps something in the region of £800-900?

Not sure I could be bothered with someone line this. Many people would find £700 pcm for this situation quite desirable

Springclean8 · 18/05/2023 19:53

Did she give any acknowledgement of the fact that she is being unreasonable by expecting exclusive use of the bathroom? Or that this wasn't the agreement?

saraclara · 18/05/2023 19:53

Hoppygolightly · 18/05/2023 19:36

Thanks we have had a chat

Yes she doesn't want to share a bathroom with anyone but particularly men

She didn't think I would have any visitors which is why it's a problem

She wants to stay in zone 1 but can't afford rental on an ensuite , get where she is coming from, as to what to do, I don't know

We are both going to have a think and talk after weekend

There's nothing to think about. She is not paying for an en suite room. She knew that when she moved in. It's farcical for her to think that her landlady would never have any visitors.

So she pays handsomely to have the bathroom to herself and inconvenience you and your guests, or she gets a grip and copes with someone else using the bathroom half a dozen times a year. Or she moves out.

ColdHandsHotHead · 18/05/2023 19:55

YANBU. I would remind her that she's renting ONE room from you and sharing everything else.

I've been a lodger in a place where I had sole use of the shower room except when the family happened to be nearby and wanted to use it. Didn't bother me, except I cleaned it more often than I would have if it had been for my sole use. What did bother me was the time a guest used it and left it filthy (he'd been walking and got muddy and it was gritty etc) but I just cleaned it and said nothing. If it had been more than once I would have spoken to the landlady.