Lodger and booby traps

[Hoppygolightly]

Hi

I have had a lodger for the past year , clean tidy and shares house.

I have an ensuite so she generally has main bathroom to herself. She does not I stress have an ensuite , she shares main bathroom and usually has to herself

In the past year a handful if visitors have used the main bathroom and this really upsets her and she will then loudly and obviously start cleaning it and disinfecting it and sighing , this could be when someone has just washed their hands , I'm not talking about leaving a filthy toilet etc

Realised yesetrday she has wedged toilet paper in the bathroom door so she can see if ils been opened and toilet paper around the toilet seat so she can see if it has been lifted

Hasn't spoken to me about any of this, if someone's used that bathroom she will clean up noisily, spray air freshener everywhere and not speak to me for a while

I know it's weird , I can't stop visitors using the main bathroom unless I tell them to use my ensuite , had a friend over at the weekend and did actually do that so as not to cause issues ..but they look at me like I'm crazy

Apart from this she is great, but I'm thinking it's bloody odd , it makes visitors feel really awkward !

Perhaps autocorrect changed it..... Autocorrect is the bane of my life!

This is a good suggestion.
Tell her she is making you, and your guests, uncomfortable and you being uneasy in your own home because of her behaviour isn't ok.

You say that but my friend and I have a daft name for where we stay where the spelling is just slightly changed to make it sound cuter. It autocorrects all the time now and I end up regularly mistyping my address because of us typing the silly version to each other on WhatsApp etc. Autocorrect learns words that you use frequently.
Equally the OP might have just slightly adjusted which bit of some 1 she lives in to keep a level of anonymity.

*which bit of zone 1!
See bloody autocorrect 😄

M-f lodgings were popular for contractors pre-pandemic. Lots of my colleagues did it.
With hybrid working and the changes to ir35, the demand has dropped massively. But we still get a few people requesting it on our local fb site.

I thought m-f was your polite was of saying mother f*** and wondered why you were calling them that. Then I realised you meant Monday to Friday 😂

She just wanted to know when male strangers had used the bathroom, so she could wipe around. I would do the same. Men who don't sit to pee will be fine spraying urine on the seat, underside of the lid and surrounding.

I think you should have tolerated her cleaning like this. I bet she just asked you if you could let her know when the bathroom had been used for her own peace of mind and standards. The toilet paper isn't a booby trap; that's ridiculous! She just wanted to know when it had been used so she could wipe.

Not sure why people are talking about money. This is an issue about communication.

Goodness knows who you might get as your next lodger. It could be someone who has her boyfriends over to hang out in the kitchen all the time, makes noise at night, has crap music, makes long audible phone calls, is full of drama... anything.

I thought it was a 'gender' thing 🤣🤣🤣

@Redebs ohh I see what you mean 😂😂😂

I'm not that polite or controversial, at least not when it comes to lodgings.

Does she have issues like OCD or autism? That would explain the overreaction

You could also consider term-time only lodgings and look for maybe international postgrad students. Might be popular in that area. Charge a small retainer over Christmas and Easter holidays. That way if you don't like someone it will be short term anyway and you'll get a decent break where you have the house to yourself.

Get rid of her. She's far too much work and is completely batshit crazy, not to mention rude. You will find another lodger, but when you do, be extremely clear that although she will mostly have sole use of the main bathroom, it will also be used by guests, workmen, etc. It's the main bathroom. There can therefore be no possible misunderstanding.

I think she’ll change her mind when she’s looked around and realises she’s onto a good there where she is.

If I were you op, I wouldn’t let her decide to stay. The silent treatment has crossed a line, as has the not removing the toilet roll since your conversations. She needs to leave.

I had a Monday to Friday lodger once years ago. Wasn’t deliberate, just happened that way. It was actually great. It would be good to find one but it sounds as if lots of other people want that too so don’t limit yourself.

Charge the extra rent. Even if you pay higher tax, you still get extra rent. For the sake of filling in a tax return, it’s worth it.

OP, I suspect that she’s threatening to leave, but doesn’t actually want to leave at all and is hoping she can call your bluff so that you’ll “give” her the main bathroom. Is she really looking for another place? You need to sit her down and come up with a leaving date. She also needs to prepare for the fact that you’ll be advertising the room and will likely have house viewings in forthcoming weeks.

"She can be fine with what she condisers 'her own' germs. She may be fine with mess but not dirt. Or the phobia may only be bathroom cleanliness related (eg: sharing toilets or showers). Some people with ocd don't have the germphobic side but have intrusive thoughts that tell thrm if they don't do something (eg: keep toilets clean) something bad will happen.

So you can be messy and have ocd.
And you can be messy and germphobic."

I don't have OCD, but as I mentioned I had some problems with guests' hair in my bathroom recently. I think it's quite understandable that I don't have the same problem with my own hair/mess.

"It’s dealt with. It never was “de facto” this woman’s bathroom because she wasn’t paying for it and it has never been part of the deal."

She said DE FACTO though. Yes, it was not formally her bathroom, but de facto it was.
I live in a flat in a house. For a while the house was empty and if people came in for maintenance or whatever it perturbed me. Not my house, but I was used to it being empty and having strangers around was pretty weird.

OP,

The dynamic is completely off here.

You have a little sulking bully in your home.

The sooner you cheerfully give her notice the better.

Take the time to be very specific in your next add and have it all down on paper so there is NO confusion.

She may wish to backtrack, but in your place I would say that it no longer works nor suits you.

Strengthen your boundaries, your lack of them make you vulnerable.

I would talk to her.

But as someone who works in mental health this doesn't sound like a typical being an a hole trait.
It sounds like they may be trying to manage their anxiety around an unclean environment.
Maybe they have a germ phobia, or perhaps an element of ocd?
The toilet roll wedged in the door is there to ease their anxiety about using a bathroom that could potentially have been used by someone else without them knowing.

Before assuming it's been boobie trapped it's probably also worth asking if they have a any fears of someone else using their bathroom space and if they're worried about what may happen if someone else has. Start that conversation and try to understand where they are coming from.
If it is anxiety driven or ocd it's likely the behaviours to ensure their space remains clean will increase if its not addressed and if you guys don't come up with. A plan between you.
She may already know about a diagnosis and be struggling. Or maybe you speak to her and actually she does just feel entitled.

But I'd bet money that she's struggling with anxiety/ocd from what you've written in this post. And if she's generally an otherwise good tenant it may be worth trying to understand.

Got to say that rent is very reasonable.
Back in 2016 I was looking for a room share in the £600 mark. Needed a bed and room for a large desk as I was in my final year of medical school.
Most rooms I found in that price range were shared with others in zone 2 or 3.
Ended up finding a small double in Roehampton. A 15 minute bus ride away from the closest tube station, had my own room but I shared a bathroom with 3 others. It had no lounge and a kitchen dining space for £550.
I took it because it was the best value I could find even with black mould halfway up the walls.

Your rent is very very reasonable. And I'm pretty sure if you did need to pay tax it would still work out to be less than the extra rent you'd make.

It's kind of starting to look that way. Needs clearing up. As opposed to the compulsive [passive/aggressive?] cleaning up.

It wouldn't be the bathroom cleaning that would bother me most - I might be inclined to just talk to her about it - but the passive-aggressive silent treatment is something I could never tolerate in my own home. It's deliberate and manipulative, and a kind of bullying.

Op doesn’t need to put up with it. She’s renting a room below market rate. If it’s not working for Op then just give notice and re let room. Probably get more cash and not have to put up with behaviour. It’s a business relationship not a friend or relative.