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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

351 replies

AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 21:46

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsMiagi · 17/05/2023 21:47

Your house, your rules

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/05/2023 21:48

Why can't he go to his own home after work and change there, and then come to yours?

At the end of the day, it's your house so your rules.

GuiltyGeraldine · 17/05/2023 21:49

MrsMiagi · 17/05/2023 21:47

Your house, your rules

This!!

I don’t have OCD or anxiety but this would seriously piss me off. I think kids can often not realise the mess they make around them and it doesn’t hurt to give them a reminder.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 17/05/2023 21:50

He could get changed before going to your house surely?

In the future be kind to yourself and avoid light colour carpets.

Ilovetea42 · 17/05/2023 21:53

Yes I'd say your house your rules but does the garage have a lock on the door? I can see why a 16 year old lad might not want to get changed in a place where his girlfriends family might accidentally walk in on him. I would try to chat to him the next time he comes over and ask him what his concerns are, explain that you really really struggle with dirt due to your ocd and that you really want him to feel welcome but you need him to meet you halfway so that your anxiety isn't being triggered off. I'd also ask him if there's anything you could do to make him feel more comfortable about changing in the garage. Or would he be happier and more comfortable going home first changing then coming over and you offer a lift. I imagine that his job is manual and tiring and I can imagine he wants to avoid multiple trips after work. I'd do that to support what sounds like a good relationship for your dd but ultimately its your house.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 17/05/2023 21:53

Everyone will say that it’s your house, your rules, but I think the rules need to be proportionate if you want everyone to get along. At 16 you could easily alienate your daughter for the sake of this. I wonder just how much ‘fine mud and dust’ one pair of trousers can hold, and therefore exactly how much of a problem this really is.

Can’t you just tell him and your daughter to clean the mess off her bathroom floor as soon as it lands, before they have a chance to tread it into the carpet? That would be the polite thing for him to do anyway.

And maybe don’t go for ivory carpets next time 😁 I couldn’t bear to live my life worrying about ruining things in the house if I made choices which exacerbated my anxiety.

TabithaTitanium · 17/05/2023 21:53

I'd have anxiety having ivory carpets.

But no, YANBU.

OhcantthInkofaname · 17/05/2023 21:54

I don't think that you're doing anything wrong. Especially since he doesn't clean up after himself. (I know I would personally feel bad about making a mess on ivory carpets.) If he wants to have a mini tantrum that's his problem.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 17/05/2023 21:54

What does he do at home?

We have builders at the moment and they all seem to change into work overalls here on site (round the side of the house mostly). So they are not travelling about in their dirty clothes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2023 21:55

However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

I take it neither he nor your DD has offered to clean up after.

Batalax · 17/05/2023 21:57

Ask him what he thinks the solution is, to avoid ruining the carpets.

I don’t have ocd and wouldn’t like this either.

VariationsonaTheme · 17/05/2023 22:02

I think his response is fair tbh. Yes, your house, your rules, but I wouldn’t want to be somewhere where I had to be so on edge about ‘being clean’. However, he should be cleaning up after himself if he does make a mess. Or would you feel the need to do it yourself anyway?

StarDolphins · 17/05/2023 22:02

I’ve got a beige/brown carpet & a non impressive house & I make everyone take shoes off & my DD has to eat snacks on a big mat on the floor🤣

yanbu - surely he could change at home or in the garage (which sounds lovely) without fuss? It’s no big deal for him surely.

Original poster
AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 22:03

Yes I'd say your house your rules but does the garage have a lock on the door? I can see why a 16 year old lad might not want to get changed in a place where his girlfriends family might accidentally walk in on him. I would try to chat to him the next time he comes over and ask him what his concerns are, explain that you really really struggle with dirt due to your ocd and that you really want him to feel welcome but you need him to meet you halfway so that your anxiety isn't being triggered off. I'd also ask him if there's anything you could do to make him feel more comfortable about changing in the garage. Or would he be happier and more comfortable going home first changing then coming over and you offer a lift. I imagine that his job is manual and tiring and I can imagine he wants to avoid multiple trips after work. I'd do that to support what sounds like a good relationship for your dd but ultimately its your house.

Thanks for this. I have offered. I don't think he's worried about being walked in on is nobody is ever in the garage at that time of day and he's quite happy dining with us in pyjama bottoms.

I wouldn't have chosen ivory carpets, they were already laid when we bought the house

OP posts:
titchy · 17/05/2023 22:03

He sounds pretty inconsiderate actually, particularly as you're welcoming and feeding him several times a week....

CeliaNorth · 17/05/2023 22:04

It's only good manners to shower and change out of your work clothes before visiting someone else's house if you've got a job that leaves you grubby, surely, regardless of whether your host has anxiety and ivory carpets. And he should leave his muddy boots outside without needing to be asked. Does he traipse dirt all over his mum's house?

HoppingPavlova · 17/05/2023 22:09

I couldn’t be putting up with this constantly. Even though they were brand new carpets I would have replaced them on Day1 with a colour that doesn’t show dirt. Tbh, I would have replaced with hard surface flooring as carpet is filthy, unhygienic stuff that gives me the ick, but if you are into it then a dark colour as living with a light colour would be stressful. Same as people who have light coloured lounges etc, will never understand this.

cryinglaughing · 17/05/2023 22:11

Get rid of the ivory carpet, far too impractical.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 17/05/2023 22:12

CeliaNorth · 17/05/2023 22:04

It's only good manners to shower and change out of your work clothes before visiting someone else's house if you've got a job that leaves you grubby, surely, regardless of whether your host has anxiety and ivory carpets. And he should leave his muddy boots outside without needing to be asked. Does he traipse dirt all over his mum's house?

Exactly.

I think he's rude if he's trailing dirt in and doesn't even offer to clean it up.

OP tell him he can clean up or pay for the carpets to be cleaned.

Original poster
AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 22:13

I take it neither he nor your DD has offered to clean up after.

My daughter has but her idea of cleaning up and mine are quite different

OP posts:
FatAgain · 17/05/2023 22:17

hes being a bit of a brat.

i have ivory carpets on my bedroom and it’s a nightmare

saraclara · 17/05/2023 22:19

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

Seriously? A thick film of mud and dust, just from taking his jeans off in the bathroom? Enought to then transfer to the carpet?

The poor lad must feeel REALLY unwelcome and awkward. I get that you have OCD, but I'd feel really uncomfortable at your house.
I'm not messy or dirty, but visiting someone so obsessive about cleanliness, who has ivory carpets, and who is never satisfied with my attempts to meet her needs, would turn me into Hyacinth Bucket's friend who becomes a quivering wreck every time she reaches for her tea cup.

In all honestly I'd avoid coming to your house too.

saraclara · 17/05/2023 22:23

I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner?

Your property isn't at risk of destruction from a young guy who leaves his boots and outdoor clothing outside (I'm not sure where your water container comes in...do you make him put everything in water?) and then takes off his jeans in the bathroom and puts PJ bottoms on.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 17/05/2023 22:23

I wouldn't bother me but I don't have OCD.

I mean he could go home and get changed first, or your daughter could just hoover up after him. Him tantrumming and saying he just won't come over is pretty indicative of his immaturity I'd say.

saraclara · 17/05/2023 22:24

Oops. You wrote waterPROOF container. Apologies.