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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

351 replies

AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 21:46

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2023 22:58

Fucking hell. What an entitled little prick he is. I'd be having a talk with your daughter about this. Any courteous, reasonable person would understand why you don't want filth dragged all over your fucking house.

Fansandblankets · 17/05/2023 22:59

I completely agree with you. I mean he’s fortunate that you let him up to her bedroom so it’s the least he could do.

Summerwhereareyou · 17/05/2023 23:00

Op, I don't have ocd or anxiety.

I am a shoes on house and don't like this whole white carpet Maddness that has over taken the UK.
However... I woud agree in this particular case it's OK to ask him to change. It's an unusually messy job clearly. Ask him to change or clean.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2023 23:00

But it's her bedroom and bathroom. Why do you need a say in the standards of her cleaning?

It's the bedroom she uses in her mother's home. That's why the op gets the only say that matters.

Mummy08m · 17/05/2023 23:01

I think your options are:

  1. Tolerate a slightly higher level of dirt, but spend happy evenings with your daughter and her bf
  1. Your daughter does frequent sleepovers at her bf's place while you sit in your pristine house alone.

Sorry to sound harsh but I think you're heading for option 2 whereas I'd infinitely prefer option 1. When I was slightly older than that, my then-bf moved in with me and my mum for months because his mum was so harsh on petty things like this.

saraclara · 17/05/2023 23:01

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2023 22:58

Fucking hell. What an entitled little prick he is. I'd be having a talk with your daughter about this. Any courteous, reasonable person would understand why you don't want filth dragged all over your fucking house.

He's removing his outer clothing and boots. He's taking off his jeans and wearing PJ bottoms instead. What exactly has he been being entitled about?

It's clear that your anxiety and fussiness is showing whenever he comes round, and he feels awkward and unwelcome.

I understand that you have OCD, anxiety and autism. But you really can't expect every visitor to be treading on eggshells whenever they visit.

SkyandSurf · 17/05/2023 23:02

I think you need to let your daughter's bedroom be a place that is safe from her mothers OCD.

It can be really hard living with someone with that condition. I'd find it hard to not even relax in my own room.

She is cleaning it, just not to your standards. It's her room, let her standards be the relevant test. When she moves out, replace the carpet.

If she's old enough to have a boyfriend sleep over multiple nights a week she is old enough to control her own room.

LegoCatLikesTuna · 17/05/2023 23:02

I just can't help thinking that the carpets are a bit of material on the floor. If they get dirty they can be cleaned, if they get ruined they can be replaced. You are prioritising a meaningless piece of fabric over human relationships. You are affecting your daughters relationship with him and with you. Is it possible to try and see which thing is the more important?

boydoggies · 17/05/2023 23:03

Could the boyfriend shower and change at work prior to coming to your house?

Mummy08m · 17/05/2023 23:03

LegoCatLikesTuna · 17/05/2023 23:02

I just can't help thinking that the carpets are a bit of material on the floor. If they get dirty they can be cleaned, if they get ruined they can be replaced. You are prioritising a meaningless piece of fabric over human relationships. You are affecting your daughters relationship with him and with you. Is it possible to try and see which thing is the more important?

This, 100%

mainsfed · 17/05/2023 23:06

albapunk · 17/05/2023 22:57

@billy1966

"Is he dragged up?"

seriously? The young lad is out working, and by OPs own admission is a nice lad....feeling unwelcome and asked to change in a garage, no matter how fancy it is, surely would make most adults be a bit wtf!?

Adults tend to be respectful and not try to track dirt on ivory carpets.

mainsfed · 17/05/2023 23:07

LegoCatLikesTuna · 17/05/2023 23:02

I just can't help thinking that the carpets are a bit of material on the floor. If they get dirty they can be cleaned, if they get ruined they can be replaced. You are prioritising a meaningless piece of fabric over human relationships. You are affecting your daughters relationship with him and with you. Is it possible to try and see which thing is the more important?

Not everyone can afford to keep replacing carpets.

Mummy08m · 17/05/2023 23:09

mainsfed · 17/05/2023 23:07

Not everyone can afford to keep replacing carpets.

Show quote history

Op has quite a fancy-sounding home gym. I think she probably could afford new carpets in say 5 years time when her dd moves out

NumberTheory · 17/05/2023 23:09

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to find the dirt being tracked into the carpets unacceptable and I don’t think it’s necessarily anything to do with autism, anxiety or OCD, but could you ask your DH or.a friend for a second opinion on how well DD is cleaning, just incase the root cause of this is that you are expecting an unreasonable level of cleanliness in her bathroom?). Assuming it is bad enough that it risks your carpets, your DD and her BF are being unreasonable not taking enough care to ensure the dirt doesn’t get into the carpets. And I would be unimpressed with a boyfriend who didn’t do his utmost to ensure that didn’t happen and to clean up after himself when it did (leaving it to DD to clean the bathroom is a bit of a red flag to me).

But I think your suggested remedy isn’t ideal - it seems to let him off the hook for the mess he makes. Will he be cleaning the gym after he changes or will that be down to you or DD?

junebirthdaygirl · 17/05/2023 23:10

I think he is really being rude and your dd is very selfish too. He should go home to his own house, shower and call over. He has some cheek to refuse to come now as he should be embarrassed about mucking up your house. I am surrounded by farmers and l couldn't imagine any of them going upstairs in someone's house with clothes worn working in messy places all day. He needs to have more respect.

I have no carpets just wood and tiles but would still not want this.

MrsDoylesDoily · 17/05/2023 23:10

mainsfed · 17/05/2023 22:55

That’s ridiculous. OP is paying for the carpets, not dd, she doesn’t need black dust over her carpets. It won’t clean you know!!

Show quote history

Then as I originally said, she needs to make her daughter up her cleaning standards (but not to OCD level obviously), or tell her she can't have anyone in her room.

If there's no compromise I expect the daughter will vote with her feet eventually.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 17/05/2023 23:12

I bet visiting your house is as comfortable as going for coffee with Hyacinth Bucket.

CeliaNorth · 17/05/2023 23:14

I bet visiting your house is as comfortable as going for coffee with Hyacinth Bucket.

Three pages in and no-one has yet called out the ableism on this thread?

DojaPhat · 17/05/2023 23:14

Your 16 yo daughter has a boyfriend who dines at yours several times a week who thinks nothing of traipsing through the house in muddy/wet/dusty work gear. You need to set ground rules and house rules ASAP with your daughter.

notangelinajolie · 17/05/2023 23:14

Definitely a case of your house your rules. I actually think he is a little bit rude to even come into your home wearing dirty clothes. Don’t feel bad - he knows the house rules and he should be gratuitous and accept them.

Being a total pushover myself, It’s actually quite refreshing to read of a mumsnetter not being walked over who is assertive and not afraid to put boundaries in place from the beginning. Wish I could do that. Well done OP 😀

SkyandSurf · 17/05/2023 23:15

@mainsfed

Not everyone can afford to replace carpets but OP's has a pristine new home with a fancy gym and apparently even the 16 year old has an ensuite.

I think she can afford new carpet when DD leaves in 5 years. If it's a stretch she has time to save up.

Coyoacan · 17/05/2023 23:17

CeliaNorth · 17/05/2023 23:14

I bet visiting your house is as comfortable as going for coffee with Hyacinth Bucket.

Three pages in and no-one has yet called out the ableism on this thread?

Is OCD totally incurable? I'm not being snide, I honestly don't know. I believe we should all look after our own physical and mental health as much as possible

QueenBitch666 · 17/05/2023 23:18

I don't have ocd and I'd be thoroughly pissed off. He should respect your house and clean his crap up

LadyJ2023 · 17/05/2023 23:23

I dont have ocd but sorry none of my older kids would be allowed to do this either. Coats,shoes muddy or not and clothes are off at the door before they come into the main house its called respect for what we have and the money we use on making a lovely home for our family

saraclara · 17/05/2023 23:24

QueenBitch666 · 17/05/2023 23:18

I don't have ocd and I'd be thoroughly pissed off. He should respect your house and clean his crap up

I'm genuinely surprised that there are so many posts like yours on this thread. The guy doesn't tramp through the house in his booots and outdoor stuff. He follows OP's rules and leaves them outside. Then he goes straight up to DD's bathroom, takes of his jeans, showers, and wears PJ bottoms. That all sounds pretty respectful to me.

I would never dream of telling anyone that they needed to change out of their jeans in the garage (however nice a one it is) before entering my home. I think that is disrespectful.

I can only imagine that OP's issues and requests are making him unable to relax at her house. And he's probably not the only visitor who feels that way.