Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

351 replies

AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 21:46

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 17/05/2023 23:25

but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left,

Why are YOU cleaning HER bathroom? If she's old enough to have her boyfriend in her bedroom and over for dinner several times a week, she (or he) is old enough to clean the bathroom.

I think they're both taking the piss.

saraclara · 17/05/2023 23:26

Coats,shoes muddy or not and clothes are off at the door

CLOTHES are off at the door @LadyJ2023 ? Seriously, you make them strip off at the door? Coats and shoes is normal, but clothes?

Minierme · 17/05/2023 23:27

I think it’s unreasonable to make a mess and not clear it up. If he wants to get changed in the bathroom, fine but also totally okay for you to ask him to clean afterwards.

oviraptor21 · 17/05/2023 23:30

He sounds not very considerate if you ask me.
An ivory carpet will not tolerate any dirt or dust so it's an absolute no to shoes or dirty clothes on them. He's been given suitable and very reasonable le alternatives - what's his argument against them.
And to all those saying no ivory carpets - I love mine. It's just in the one room and it really makes that room. But luckily I live with people who appreciate how to look after it. It's been down over 10 years now and still looking fabulous.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 17/05/2023 23:31

Minierme · 17/05/2023 23:27

I think it’s unreasonable to make a mess and not clear it up. If he wants to get changed in the bathroom, fine but also totally okay for you to ask him to clean afterwards.

You missed the part where the daughter has cleaned but not to the OP’s standard?

SparklyBlackKitten · 17/05/2023 23:32

Autism ocd and anxiety has nothing to do with it really

This is just a matter of him being dirty and you like a clean house.

Which is your right😊.
So either he needs to change clothes before coming over or he needs to change at your house in a gardenhouse or garage or something (if you have one obviously).

magma32 · 17/05/2023 23:34

Sorry he doesn’t sound lovely to me, quite rude actually. I would keep an eye on how he is with your daughter tbh.

it would annoy me that he comes round everyday for dinner. Maybe you’ve spoilt him now he’s throwing a tantrum because ‘mum’ is setting some boundaries.

It’s interesting his own parents don’t seem to mind him having dinner and leaving a trail of dirt at your house several times a week everyday

Ellie450 · 17/05/2023 23:35

It’s very rude of him to show up filthy from his forestry job and expect to track dirt all over your house, use your shower, and then be fed dinner on top of it. Tell him to go home after work to shower and change before coming for dinner. It’s basic manners.

Anyone claiming that removing his outer clothing is good enough has no idea. I have horses and if I’ve gotten particularly dusty or dirty I’ll strip in my garage, deposit dirty riding clothes directly into the laundry room, and go straight to the shower. Removing my boots and jacket doesn’t do anything about the dust all over my breeches and shirt that will be tracked in.

Kanaloa · 17/05/2023 23:39

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2023 22:58

Fucking hell. What an entitled little prick he is. I'd be having a talk with your daughter about this. Any courteous, reasonable person would understand why you don't want filth dragged all over your fucking house.

An entitled little prick? Because he’s said that after making reasonable adjustments like leaving his shoes and jacket in a container by the door and immediately changing into pyjamas, he is not willing to continue the escalation and take all his clothing off in the garage before being allowed into the house? He hasn’t demanded entry, he’s simply said he won’t come over if he’s required to strip off in the garage beforehand.

Gooseysgirl · 17/05/2023 23:40

Feck that!!! He can go and wreck his own place with his forestry dusty crap.

Kanaloa · 17/05/2023 23:40

I’m also a bit confused about where the prick comment and the several tantrum/tantrumming comments have come from. OP has not said he’s been unreasonable, rude, or tantrummed in any way. He’s simply said that he won’t come over after working.

Lockheart · 17/05/2023 23:43

Kanaloa · 17/05/2023 23:40

I’m also a bit confused about where the prick comment and the several tantrum/tantrumming comments have come from. OP has not said he’s been unreasonable, rude, or tantrummed in any way. He’s simply said that he won’t come over after working.

People love a bit of hyperbole on here, hadn't you noticed?

Personally I'd stop coming over too if I was being told I had to undress in the garage before being allowed into the house.

Kanaloa · 17/05/2023 23:45

Lockheart · 17/05/2023 23:43

People love a bit of hyperbole on here, hadn't you noticed?

Personally I'd stop coming over too if I was being told I had to undress in the garage before being allowed into the house.

Show quote history

Just interesting, isn’t it? The comments replying your house your rules, the little prick is having a tantrum etc. When literally all he has said is that he won’t come over after work. And I’d say the same because it sounds like (perhaps due to severe anxiety which often displays with escalating controlling behaviours) nothing will be enough. First it was take your outdoor clothes off, then it was take your jeans off in the bathroom and wear pyjamas, now it’s undress before being admitted indoors. If I was him I’d also probably undercut it by just saying I’ll go home after work instead.

porridgeisbae · 17/05/2023 23:46

I think he's using it as an excuse OP. If he were wildly into your DD, doing that wouldn't stop him coming over.

Pahpahpotato · 17/05/2023 23:47

People are getting a bit carried away with the character assassination of this guy based on, frankly, not very much information about him at all!!
I don’t think YABU OP. I don’t have any of the issues you have and I still make sure my husband takes off his work trousers at least in the back porch before coming into the house (he’s in agriculture and can be gross 😂)
It is a shame that he feels this is too much to ask (changing in the garage) but if that’s how he feels then it is what it is. I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable.

UsingChangeofName · 17/05/2023 23:49

LadyJ2023 · 17/05/2023 23:23

I dont have ocd but sorry none of my older kids would be allowed to do this either. Coats,shoes muddy or not and clothes are off at the door before they come into the main house its called respect for what we have and the money we use on making a lovely home for our family

He is already doing all of this........

Whiteroomjoy · 17/05/2023 23:49

I have a relatively young relative who’s a regular visitor. He’s a firefighter. He comes round for tea sometimes immediately from day shift🤔.
he’s already out of his “ outer uniform “ and in his “ mess” “ under”, clothes or whatever they’d call them, BUT he always strips of those items in my integral garage, goes through for a very quick shower and change . He simply wouldn’t come into house . He’s not necessarily very dirty unless he’s come straight from a shout, but can smell of smoke or sweat even if they’ve been on exercises all day.
he does this in his own home, his parents home. I never asked him to do it in mine, he just asked me when he started training would I mind him stripping to undies to go through house ( I have a robe I pop in garage 😉)
It’s exciting though when his pager goes off when he’s in his very quick shower- 🤣🤣🤣🤣 😱🫣

UsingChangeofName · 17/05/2023 23:50

GiveOverRover · 17/05/2023 22:41

It's your daughter's home as well as your ivory tower. They may not share quite your standards of cleanliness, but most people won't. If she's offered to take responsibility for cleaning her own en suite then let her.

I don't think making guests strip off in the garage is reasonable, no matter how fancy it is, no.

Exactly

CheezePleeze · 17/05/2023 23:50

The problem with this thread is that so few people are actually reading it before piling in on the one with a penis 🙄

BreatheAndFocus · 17/05/2023 23:50

Surely it’s pretty normal to change clothes in a garage or utility if you have a dirty job? He sounds lazy and thoughtless. Why can’t he go to his own home and change there before coming over? Why on Earth are you feeding him several times a week? It sounds like he’s treating your house as a convenience and is now pissed off because you’ve put your foot down. I can’t imagine acting like him even as a teen or young adult.

SammyScrounge · 17/05/2023 23:51

GiveOverRover · 17/05/2023 22:41

It's your daughter's home as well as your ivory tower. They may not share quite your standards of cleanliness, but most people won't. If she's offered to take responsibility for cleaning her own en suite then let her.

I don't think making guests strip off in the garage is reasonable, no matter how fancy it is, no.

I would not visit again if I had to change in a garage. Talk about making a guest feel unwelcome!
One day you could find yourself alone with your OCD.

UsingChangeofName · 17/05/2023 23:51

Kanaloa · 17/05/2023 23:45

Just interesting, isn’t it? The comments replying your house your rules, the little prick is having a tantrum etc. When literally all he has said is that he won’t come over after work. And I’d say the same because it sounds like (perhaps due to severe anxiety which often displays with escalating controlling behaviours) nothing will be enough. First it was take your outdoor clothes off, then it was take your jeans off in the bathroom and wear pyjamas, now it’s undress before being admitted indoors. If I was him I’d also probably undercut it by just saying I’ll go home after work instead.

Show quote history

This 100%

CheezePleeze · 17/05/2023 23:52

And if the cream carpets are such a problem, whack a bit of laminate down in her room and let her get on with sweeping/mopping it.

If her room is still not up to your standards after that, try to keep out of it.

Kanaloa · 17/05/2023 23:55

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2023 23:00

But it's her bedroom and bathroom. Why do you need a say in the standards of her cleaning?

It's the bedroom she uses in her mother's home. That's why the op gets the only say that matters.

I hate this type of talk too. If you have kids and choose to bring them into the world, your home is their home. Their room is their room. That’s how I feel about my kids. I would never want them to feel they’re just being allowed to ‘use’ a room in my house.

Lidlpopdrinker · 17/05/2023 23:55

YABU for having Ivory carpets.