To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

[AmIEnough]

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

Some MNetters are weird like that though.

They're also normally the first to be upset when their child doesn't want to move back home after Uni.

Thankfully my parents never made me feel like a lodger in a pristine home, that was theirs only.

Exactly - she's 16, her mother's home is her home too. She's not some errant lodger.

Christ I'm in my thirties and my mother still insists on calling her house "our" home.

I don’t get the issue with changing from dirty clothes in garage? I do that and I live on my own fgs…when still had DH, he did too, never discussed, he just did Ashe didn’t want to have to clean up his mess either. Chaps I used to work with who did shop floor dirty jobs would shower and change before going home. there are pictures of miners from 1920s showering off and cleaning down each other backs, before they went home even in days when women were mostly at home picking up all domestic work in quite poor circumstances.
when did it become accepted that you just stomp through a clean domestic space shedding dirt, debris and dust carried in from your working environment

I just find it really weird and cold. It makes me think of a very certain type of person, sort of a Mrs Dursley type except she wouldn’t be like that to Dudders. But how she was to Harry. Like the children should be cringing around the corners in abject gratitude at being allowed house space by the people who made them.

Absolutely that. Your children are not visits that you allow to use a room in your house. It's their home. And if you don't allow them to feel that way, they'll vote with their feet as soon as they can.

I'm no slob, I look after my home, and my DDs used to be nagged to play their part too. But jeeze, a) it was their home and b) I wanted their friends ( and mine) to feel welcome and relaxed here. And issuing instructions to a guest that continue to escalate with each visit, is not the way to do that.

I'm guessing this isn't the only issue.

It might be the last straw in a series of things that have made him feel uncomfortable in the home.

OP are you getting help for your conditions? Just wondering whether there might be a blond spot in terms of your reading of the situation.

If I were your daughter, I'd go visit him instead and probably move out as soon as possible to avoid worrying about not living up to your cleaning standards.

Would you invite your builders in for showers the end of their day?

Seriously, the amount of useless advice on here...

JFC the amount of hyperbolic insults thrown at a 16yo is astounding.

Yes "Your house, your rules" but if your rules are that your 16yos boyfriend has to change in a garage then he is perfectly reasonable to say "No thanks" and not come over any more ... The risk you take with that is that your daughter then starts spending more time at her BFs house and you lose your relationship with her over some carpets.

Why is he a prick for not wanting to get undressed in a garage? He's already made various concessions - outdoor clothes off and stored outside, showering and changing into PJs immediately on arrival, and now he's being asked to get undressed in the garage ... Maybe he's just thinking, "What next? Am I going to have to be hosed down naked on the driveway before I can come in? I'm done".

He's fucking 16, he's still a kid (notwithstanding the MN belief that every 16yo should be 99% independent so that by the time they're 18 they can be kicked out to fend for themselves) and probably feels weirded out about changing in a garage ... If the OPs child's partner was a girl then everyone would be up in arms about a 16yo being asked to change in a garage, but because he's a boy it's fine?

Why are people saying he having a tantrum for saying "Actually, if you're going to make me change in a garage before I can step foot in the house I think I'll just stop coming over"? He is being perfectly reasonable! He's not kicking up a fuss or demanding to be let in, he's just setting (perfectly reasonable) boundaries as to what requests he will tolerate which is a commendable thing for a 16yo to do. In this case he is happy to leave outerwear in a box outside, shower immediately and change out of his work clothes but his limit is being asked to change in a garage and so he has just said "That won't work for me, I'll just stop coming over after work".

If someone posted an AIBU of "My GFs parents are insisting I change out of my work stuff in the garage before I even step foot in their house. I am happy to shower and change as soon as I arrive from work but that isn't good enough and I am uncomfortable about changing in the garage so have said I just won't come over on work days. Now my GFs mum is annoyed at me for saying so, AIBU to think she can't have it both ways?" people would be falling over themselves to say that you have every right not to go somewhere where you are made to feel unwelcome and you can set up your own boundaries, so why in this case is the poor lad being lambasted for a perfectly reasonable and polite response.

When I was a teen my eldest brothers GF pretty much moved in with us when they were 17 because her parents put so many rules in place for any bfs she had over and so instead of taking DB to her house, they would come to our house instead and so our home became their "default" base ... eventually she was only going home to get clean clothes before she moved in officially and her relationship with her parents got very strained as they saw it as her rejecting their family for ours, when it was their actions that meant she felt more comfortable in our home than her own but they refused to compromise so she made the decision for them.

I don't have OCD, anxiety or ivory carpets but I'm totally with you OP. He shouldn't even be turning up at your house straight from work in his dirty clothes - he should go to his own house and shower and smarten up before coming to see your daughter. If he doesn't agree with your rules then he can piss off.

My dh strips down to his boxers when he’s been working in the garden. It’s rude to traipse dirt in the house. When dd was younger, I didn’t allow her friends to come in the house with dirty leggings on if they’d been playing in the mud, ditto when wet after playing in the pool / slip and slide outside etc. The latter was a slip hazard. They’d take muddy leggings off in the garage and go to dd’s room to borrow a pair of hers and get dry before coming in if wet.

My house was always the go to place because I was welcoming and kind, didn’t make a great deal of fuss, always fed them and am generally relaxed with her friends. I just want basic cleanliness and respect in return.

I really don’t see what is so awful about you expecting the same op. Maybe your illness has had an impact on your dd though and she’s struggling? I think you should talk to her. This could be made into a big thing and drive her away.

I think it is perfectly acceptable to expect this young man to change and make himself presentable to have dinner at his girlfriend's mother's house. It's this old fashioned thing called respect and manners. Why do some people feel entitled to complain when a disrespect is being addressed in a perfectly polite acceptable manner.

It seems OP has already been hospitable in trying to accommodate this young man's attitude to her house and he's taking advantage of her. Shame her daughter doesn't offer to help encourage her young man with his manners.

Or am I just old fashioned?

Doesn’t sound like a very nice guy to me. Making your house dirty, not cleaning up his mess and now threatening not to come because you’re asking him not to make a mess!

Totally agree @Kanaloa

I agree @Rudicoolcat, it's disrespectful. Why aren't they going out and dating rather than him coming over in his dirty clothes several times a week, not tidying up after himself and getting his dinner cooked for him? It's different if it was older adult children in a long term relationship but I wouldn't be pandering to this entitled kid.

YABU for having white carpets. It's beyond me why anyone would do that to themselves.

I think he’s being very mature for his age with his response. He’s not kicking up a fuss. If you flipped this and asked a girl to strip in the garage I think the response from a lot of mumsnet would be different. I had 6 x 17/18 year olds in my snug eating pizza last night after 4 of them had been working in our fields. They took their boots off at the back door. Never in a million years would I have asked them to strip before coming in. As long as they know you’re a safe space for them I think this is the most important thing for teens.

I get OP has conditions with which most of us don't have to contend, but others do have the option to opt out of complying to what they consider to be unreasonable demands.

That said, I like the cut of this young man's jib. He's basically said: thus far and no further. He has agency and is using that.

I get the impression his decision is most likely based on the escalation of 'requirements' to be granted entry to OPs home.

He's seen the direction of travel. Having seen that and realising, most probably, many further rules/requirements will be imposed going forward, he is opting out. Good for him.

Of course, the person who has the most potential to be hurt by this is OP's daughter. That's down to OP, not the young man, imo.

@AmIEnough

He goes into her bathroom to get changed, why can't he just go into the converted garage to get changed?

don't feel guilty for asking him to do that, he should have suggested it himself.

if he'd rather go home than do that, then 🤷🏻‍♀️He can come over at the weekend when he's clean OR he can get changed in the 'gym' at yours.

plenty of adults get out of their dirty work/hobby clothes in the hall/utility/garage before going into the main part of the house, it's hardly like you've asked him to strip naked at the end of the driveway.

Hi op@AmIEnough

No wonder you feel somewhat stressed out having ivory carpets,

having such a light coloured carpet is enough to overly stress anyone, !

Isn't there anywhere he could change his clothes and have a shower before he calls over such, going home or attending local swimming baths locally, ect,

Just thinking, he could go to one of the nearest supermarket on the way, vist the disabled toilet/or family/baby facilities room there too,

why couldn't your daughter, clean up after him,
I am not sure how practical it would be to use a car cleaning device?
as its so small, and low down , could end up with a bit of back ache...

why is he going up to your daughters room, i hope the doors left open... and yabu to feed this boy 7 meals a day wtf is that about , on top of that he leaving dirt all over your house.. how old is he??

OP said the daughter was cleaning up the mess, but it wasn't to her satisfaction.

He should shower and change before he comes over.

I'm also bleurggh about his being happy to wear pyjamas at the dining table.

You sound lovely! This kind of mum I’d like to be very thoughtful and caring. I think you are fine to tell him and I am
pretty sure he will be understanding.

Please don't grumble when she decides to leave home