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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

351 replies

AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 21:46

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 17/05/2023 22:25

On the other hand - your thoughts are pretty over the top and as an adult I wouldn't feel welcome.

Nomorecoconutboosts · 17/05/2023 22:26

I have similar aged dds.

I also have different standards to them (but don’t have OCD)
what has helped me is accepting they they are likely to stay at home for several more years and during that time I want them and their visitors to feel welcome.

I know too many families with lots of tensions and disagreements and differing standards/priorities. My dc are far from perfect but they are good, kind people and my relationship with them wouldn’t be great if I was constantly trying to get them to keep their rooms to my standard.

how lovely that your dd is able to bring her boyfriend home and they share meals with the family and that you show this hospitality.

when it comes to their rooms - unless there is major and significant damage being done, I let them get on with it as I consider it to be their space. In your situation I would try to view her room and en-suite as separate to your spaces.

look at the worst case scenario - the carpet becomes grubby and stained
? (unlikely but worst case scenario). Your dd chooses to live with that or not - she can choose to replace. when she moves out you spend £100-200 on a fresh new floor covering.

MrsDoylesDoily · 17/05/2023 22:27

AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 22:13

I take it neither he nor your DD has offered to clean up after.

My daughter has but her idea of cleaning up and mine are quite different

But it's her bedroom and bathroom. Why do you need a say in the standards of her cleaning?

And if her skills are that bad, tell her to raise them if she wants anyone in her bedroom.

Apart from that, I'm in the 'your house, your rules' camp and think he's being a bit precious.

UsingChangeofName · 17/05/2023 22:30

As it is your illness that is making you make this completely unreasonable request, I don't want to vote that you are BU, but your demands are.

All you will do is drive your dd away, as you have her bf.

He's already taking his outerwear off, and is already showering as soon as he gets in, so not risking any mud getting in communal areas. Compromise works both ways. Quite frankly, if he took his clothes off in your garage, he's still have a dirty body wouldn't he ? Unless you are planning on putting a hosepipe on him in the garage too?

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/05/2023 22:32

MrsDoylesDoily · 17/05/2023 22:27

But it's her bedroom and bathroom. Why do you need a say in the standards of her cleaning?

And if her skills are that bad, tell her to raise them if she wants anyone in her bedroom.

Apart from that, I'm in the 'your house, your rules' camp and think he's being a bit precious.

Show quote history

The OP has a say because it's HER house. Was that even a serious question?!! Honestly, some people. 😬

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 17/05/2023 22:37

@AmIEnough

If my daughters boyfriend turned up in filthy work clothes (similar age etc) I'd ask him to go get changed at home first I'm afraid so I'm with you

Whether the carpets are ivory or not if he's leaving a pile of outdoor dust mud and stuff in your home that you have to clean it's more than fair to ask him to come clean and it's quite disrespectful of him to say he's not coming then.

And to the poster who said you risk alienating your daughter what bollocks is that really?

Sometimes too much pussy footing round and cleaning after them like a bloody slave to the house is NOT what your there for.

Remaker · 17/05/2023 22:37

IMO a house is for living in, it’s not a museum. Making people feel welcome is more important than keeping the floor pristine. If I had a friend like you fussing over their carpets and wanting shoes off and inspecting me for dirt I wouldn’t visit any more.

If you feel that your carpet is more important than your relationship with your DD then by all means carry on as you are. However I agree if she has an ensuite bathroom she should be responsible for cleaning it.

ButterCrackers · 17/05/2023 22:41

Can’t he change at work?

Smallyellowbird · 17/05/2023 22:41

I think you need to get rid of those carpets, you're going to make your family think that the carpets are more important than their feelings. You may be able to sell them, if not it's worth replacing them to avoid aggravating your OCD.

My mother was very house proud, and to be honest the carpets felt more important than me - you don't want to make your daughter feel like that.

GiveOverRover · 17/05/2023 22:41

It's your daughter's home as well as your ivory tower. They may not share quite your standards of cleanliness, but most people won't. If she's offered to take responsibility for cleaning her own en suite then let her.

I don't think making guests strip off in the garage is reasonable, no matter how fancy it is, no.

saraclara · 17/05/2023 22:44

if he's leaving a pile of outdoor dust mud and stuff in your home

He isn't. You're being ridiculous talking about "a pile...". He's taking his jeans off in the bathroom. There will not be a pile of anything.

iknowimcoming · 17/05/2023 22:46

Totally with the your house your rules thing but (and I do say this kindly) is it possible that your idea of 'absolutely filthy' is not the same as your dd's and her boyfriend's and most people in general?

"He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet" - by removing his jeans is he really covering all of the floor in a thick layer of dust?

Do you clean your daughters bathroom after every visit because you feel no one else would clean it properly?

If he got changed in the garage with the nice flooring, wouldn't you also have to clean that room too?

My dc are both early 20s and they've been raised to respect other people's property and would be fine with removing boots etc outside, might raise an eyebrow about being asked to change their jeans but be ok, then when asked to change in the garage rather than the bathroom, might start to feel ...... unwelcome maybe?

When you say you're trying to prevent the 'destruction of your property' it makes me wonder if you are constantly vigilant for dirt when the boyfriend is at your house and he feels on edge and the garage request is the final straw?

I don't know what the answer is though, sorry Sad

Modda · 17/05/2023 22:47

I think that's pretty harsh on him. I made a huge effort to get on with my DCs partners from the start.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 17/05/2023 22:47

@saraclara

Before you correct or criticise what I've written why don't you read the original post by op

billy1966 · 17/05/2023 22:47

I think that is perfectly reasonable.

Why on earth would he come through the house with his filthy clothes?.

I remember our old garden 25 years ago and doing dirty jobs in it. I can remember the dust and dirt.

No way would I bring it through my wooden floors not to mind cream carpets.

I have 4 children nearly 17-23 that have friends in and out all the time, shoes off, no problem.
Have never heard a single word or comment.

Our house, my rules.

Let them both off if they have any problem with it.

If he is being stroppy about it, best he doesn't come at all.

Is he dragged up?

MrsDoylesDoily · 17/05/2023 22:50

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/05/2023 22:32

The OP has a say because it's HER house. Was that even a serious question?!! Honestly, some people. 😬

Show quote history

And it's her daughter's HOME.

She shouldn't be held to the same standards as her mother who has OCD when it comes to her own personal space.

Honestly, some people 🙄

saraclara · 17/05/2023 22:52

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 17/05/2023 22:47

@saraclara

Before you correct or criticise what I've written why don't you read the original post by op

I did. She did not refer to a pile of anything.

aloris · 17/05/2023 22:52

Even if you did not have OCD or ivory carpets, what he is doing is very unmannerly. Even if you had lino floors, you would have to constantly be mopping to get his dirt off the floors. He should go to his home, have a shower, and change into clean things before he comes into your house. Who on earth inflicts their filthy work clothes on their hostess?

As a 16 year old, he probably doesn't realise how rude he is being, but you're the adult and the homeowner and it's ok for you to make rules that manage this behavior. If he and your daughter are telling you that YOU are the rude one, then perhaps you should consider that they are pretty darn arrogant to be telling the adult who feeds them and pays the rent/mortgage on the house, that she is the rude one.

mainsfed · 17/05/2023 22:54

You are being too tolerant and welcoming.

Your poor ivory carpet 😥

He needs to go home to shower and change.

And why does he come over so often? Does he contribute for his dinner?

CeliaNorth · 17/05/2023 22:55

If I had a friend like you fussing over their carpets and wanting shoes off and inspecting me for dirt I wouldn’t visit any more.

OTOH, you wouldn't, presumably, visit your friend in her new house wearing muddy boots and the clothes you'd been wearing for a day's gardening? You'd wash and change first?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 17/05/2023 22:55

@saraclara

Sorry I used the word
Pile when that isn't a word op used in her original post.

She did however say it gets walked all over the carpet so whether it's a pile or not it's making a bloody mess Hmm

mainsfed · 17/05/2023 22:55

MrsDoylesDoily · 17/05/2023 22:50

And it's her daughter's HOME.

She shouldn't be held to the same standards as her mother who has OCD when it comes to her own personal space.

Honestly, some people 🙄

Show quote history

That’s ridiculous. OP is paying for the carpets, not dd, she doesn’t need black dust over her carpets. It won’t clean you know!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/05/2023 22:55

aloris · 17/05/2023 22:52

Even if you did not have OCD or ivory carpets, what he is doing is very unmannerly. Even if you had lino floors, you would have to constantly be mopping to get his dirt off the floors. He should go to his home, have a shower, and change into clean things before he comes into your house. Who on earth inflicts their filthy work clothes on their hostess?

As a 16 year old, he probably doesn't realise how rude he is being, but you're the adult and the homeowner and it's ok for you to make rules that manage this behavior. If he and your daughter are telling you that YOU are the rude one, then perhaps you should consider that they are pretty darn arrogant to be telling the adult who feeds them and pays the rent/mortgage on the house, that she is the rude one.

100% agree with this. The problem is not your OCD, OP - it is your daughter's boyfriend's lack of consideration.

albapunk · 17/05/2023 22:57

@billy1966

"Is he dragged up?"

seriously? The young lad is out working, and by OPs own admission is a nice lad....feeling unwelcome and asked to change in a garage, no matter how fancy it is, surely would make most adults be a bit wtf!?

Nomorecoconutboosts · 17/05/2023 22:57

Also just to clarify, the phrase about your property being at risk of destruction.
That makes me feel a bit sad - yes technically and legally it is your property but surely it is also a family home?
what destructive behaviour is going on?

You only give the one example and that isn’t really destructive as such. For me that would be if (for example) he was causing permanent damage to structures or furniture in the home. Most dirt and grime can be hoovered, mopped or wiped away. I appreciate that your OCD makes you very anxious about dirt, but it isn’t usually permanent damage.