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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

351 replies

AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 21:46

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
Peppadog · 19/05/2023 10:20

verdantverdure · 19/05/2023 08:38

He's at perfect liberty to strive clean if he chooses.

You know, shower in his own home...

Show quote history

Can you not comprehend a world in which going home first to shower and then coming round might be unfeasible or difficult?
Like if his work is near her house, or their houses are really far apart from each other? Or hes relying on public transport and it would take too long to go there and back before dinner? Maybe doing so would mean he actually just misses dinner?
There are a million and one reasons why it might be difficult to go home first and then come round, and he has now decided he would rather just go home for dinner than be subjected to some kind of disinfectant wash down when be arrives.
It is probably really uncomfortable visiting a house that is so obsessively clean, I know I wouldn't want to. If as a teenage girl I had been asked by a my boyfriend's father to remove all outer clothing and put them in a box (fine) but then to go into the garage to get changed before entering their home it would be considered madness! I just wouldn't go.

MovinGroovinBarbie · 19/05/2023 10:23

Most people with dirty jobs (including me) change before leaving work.

GnomeDePlume · 19/05/2023 10:24

MovinGroovinBarbie · 19/05/2023 10:23

Most people with dirty jobs (including me) change before leaving work.

He has a forestry job, probably no changing facilities.

AliceOlive · 19/05/2023 10:28

Peppadog · 19/05/2023 10:20

Can you not comprehend a world in which going home first to shower and then coming round might be unfeasible or difficult?
Like if his work is near her house, or their houses are really far apart from each other? Or hes relying on public transport and it would take too long to go there and back before dinner? Maybe doing so would mean he actually just misses dinner?
There are a million and one reasons why it might be difficult to go home first and then come round, and he has now decided he would rather just go home for dinner than be subjected to some kind of disinfectant wash down when be arrives.
It is probably really uncomfortable visiting a house that is so obsessively clean, I know I wouldn't want to. If as a teenage girl I had been asked by a my boyfriend's father to remove all outer clothing and put them in a box (fine) but then to go into the garage to get changed before entering their home it would be considered madness! I just wouldn't go.

Show quote history

I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would got to someone else’s house for dinner as a guest when I was in need of bathing. Not once, certainly not in a routine basis.

It shows a lack of respect for himself as well as his hosts and their daughter. An intimacy that’s really inappropriate at this age and with non-family members.

I think he needs to go home if he’s not willing to do what’s necessary to keep the dirt that’s on him out of someone else’s house.

Peppadog · 19/05/2023 10:29

Also if he is getting changed in the garage, it would also mean his clean clothes would become dirty as he hasn't had a chance to shower, so he would still be entering the home dirty, he would then have to remove his clean (but not completely clean) clothes AGAIN to shower and put them back on.
Imagine if this was the OPs son and he wasn't allowed in the house without going through this rigmarole.

bussteward · 19/05/2023 10:29

Or hes relying on public transport and it would take too long to go there and back before dinner? Maybe doing so would mean he actually just misses dinner?
He has motorbike gear he takes off so I’m taking a wild leap that he has a motorbike, not the 98 bus route. So what if he misses dinner?! It’s OP’s house and OP’s dinner; he can see his girlfriend after tea, surely? She doesn’t have to facilitate his love life with her daughter.

Peppadog · 19/05/2023 10:36

bussteward · 19/05/2023 10:29

Or hes relying on public transport and it would take too long to go there and back before dinner? Maybe doing so would mean he actually just misses dinner?
He has motorbike gear he takes off so I’m taking a wild leap that he has a motorbike, not the 98 bus route. So what if he misses dinner?! It’s OP’s house and OP’s dinner; he can see his girlfriend after tea, surely? She doesn’t have to facilitate his love life with her daughter.

Well yes it sounds like that's what he's chosen to do, to just go home and have dinner, which the OP doesn't want as she knows it will upset her daughter who clearly wants him round for dinner! (As does OP!)
Maybe he doesn't want to go home to have dinner (which takes time to make and eat) then have to go out again, which would massively reduce the time they have together and make it not worth it especially if the house isn't that near his.

Kanaloa · 19/05/2023 10:40

bussteward · 19/05/2023 10:10

It’s a home gym, she’s not asking it to strip on bare concrete next to old paint tins or it gets the hose again.

Show quote history

It’s a garage. He doesn’t want to strip off in her garage whether it’s bare concrete or rubber floor. He would rather go to his own home. He hasn’t demanded that he be allowed into the home, he has simply said he will go to his own home after work.

Kanaloa · 19/05/2023 10:42

I think he needs to go home if he’s not willing to do what’s necessary to keep the dirt that’s on him out of someone else’s house.

This is what he wants to do! He has said he will just go home, which resolves op’s worries about the invisible dust that will destroy her property. This is what he’s being called a little shit/entitled prick for. For saying he’ll just go to his own house.

Peppadog · 19/05/2023 10:56

Kanaloa · 19/05/2023 10:40

It’s a garage. He doesn’t want to strip off in her garage whether it’s bare concrete or rubber floor. He would rather go to his own home. He hasn’t demanded that he be allowed into the home, he has simply said he will go to his own home after work.

Show quote history

Also we don't hear his side of the story here obviously. Maybe it isn't just a case of getting changed in the garage, if OP has OCD and is concerned about the invisible dust after they have hoovered, he probably feels generally unwelcome and like he can't relax.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 19/05/2023 11:37

I wonder what the reaction would be if the boys mum.had posted on here.
If he was my son I'd be telling him to avoid the situation and come home.

Unicorn2022 · 19/05/2023 12:28

Iwantmyoldnameback · 19/05/2023 11:37

I wonder what the reaction would be if the boys mum.had posted on here.
If he was my son I'd be telling him to avoid the situation and come home.

If it was my son I would tell him to have some respect and come home and shower and change before visiting his girlfriend's house, and I would be horrified if I thought he had been wearing pyjamas to dinner at their house.

Turning up at your 16 year old girlfriend's house several times a week in dirty clothes and having a shower and dinner is too much intimacy for that age in her parents's home. The OP should not be encouraging it and is right to put some boundaries in place. It would be different if they were in their 20s or even late teens.

GnomeDePlume · 19/05/2023 14:52

We don't know if the boyfriend is genuinely dirty at all. OP has already said that the dirt being trampled through the house is not visible.

Unfortunately OP's anxiety and OCD seem to be calling all the shots here. These conditions are not reasonable or sensible. They result in a hyper focus on a narrow issue.

OP is hyper focused on 'dirt' coming in from outside. It is possible this is a sublimation of a fear of anything coming in from outside. This may include the boyfriend himself. At an intellectual level she knows he is lovely. But her OCD and anxiety are telling her he has come from outside therefore he is to be feared. Making him shower, wear pyjamas etc make him more 'inside'.

But that is no longer enough. The OCD and anxiety are saying he must take his clothes off in the garage. How long before this starts being insisted on anytime he visits? How long before it's paper suits and face masks every time he visits?

Quite reasonably the boyfriend has drawn a line.

Pahpahpotato · 19/05/2023 16:51

This thread is increasingly bonkers. Can’t believe how many (presumably!) grown ass women are on here calling a teenager names for simply opting out of OPs demands and thinking that’s a reasonable thing to do!

GnomeDePlume · 19/05/2023 17:09

@Pahpahpotato I agree, I don't understand the vilification of a person described by the OP as lovely.

There is an awful lot of projecting going on I guess. Would the comments have been so poisonous if this had been a girlfriend visiting her boyfriend and being told to strip in the garage? Most people would not see that as appropriate so why is this appropriate?

DysmalRadius · 19/05/2023 17:56

I think some people have to have a villain which is a shame because there doesn't seem to be one here. The OP appeared to be genuinely upset to have put the boyfriend off and was looking for ideas of how to manage the situation, and the boyfriend just isn't going round for dinner any more, which is a perfectly reasonable choice for him to make.

AliceOlive · 19/05/2023 18:04

I think going home to bathe is the right choice.

mainsfed · 19/05/2023 22:28

GnomeDePlume · 19/05/2023 14:52

We don't know if the boyfriend is genuinely dirty at all. OP has already said that the dirt being trampled through the house is not visible.

Unfortunately OP's anxiety and OCD seem to be calling all the shots here. These conditions are not reasonable or sensible. They result in a hyper focus on a narrow issue.

OP is hyper focused on 'dirt' coming in from outside. It is possible this is a sublimation of a fear of anything coming in from outside. This may include the boyfriend himself. At an intellectual level she knows he is lovely. But her OCD and anxiety are telling her he has come from outside therefore he is to be feared. Making him shower, wear pyjamas etc make him more 'inside'.

But that is no longer enough. The OCD and anxiety are saying he must take his clothes off in the garage. How long before this starts being insisted on anytime he visits? How long before it's paper suits and face masks every time he visits?

Quite reasonably the boyfriend has drawn a line.

She never said it’s not visible.

OP says he leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor. As the little shit doesn’t even clean the bathroom floor he dirties, he is definitely bringing the dust onto the carpets when he steps out of the bathroom and on to the carpet.

GnomeDePlume · 19/05/2023 23:02

@mainsfed to quote OP from 11.53 yesterday (18/5) I realise I can’t see the dust in the carpet (yet)

So yes, she did say the dust isnt visible.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 19/05/2023 23:13

mainsfed · 19/05/2023 22:28

She never said it’s not visible.

OP says he leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor. As the little shit doesn’t even clean the bathroom floor he dirties, he is definitely bringing the dust onto the carpets when he steps out of the bathroom and on to the carpet.

Show quote history

OP says in one of her later posts that either he or her daughter do clean, but not to the OP’s exacting standards.

mainsfed · 19/05/2023 23:23

HeidiUpTheMountain · 19/05/2023 23:13

OP says in one of her later posts that either he or her daughter do clean, but not to the OP’s exacting standards.

Show quote history

No, she didn’t. OP said her daughter offers to clean. He does nothing.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 19/05/2023 23:24

mainsfed · 19/05/2023 23:23

No, she didn’t. OP said her daughter offers to clean. He does nothing.

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I would be worried about not cleaning well enough in OP’s house, wouldn’t you? So as long as one of them does it, what’s the harm? I would clean up after my guests, too.

saraclara · 19/05/2023 23:59

mainsfed · 19/05/2023 23:23

No, she didn’t. OP said her daughter offers to clean. He does nothing.

Show quote history

I'm guessing that the daughter does it because she knows what her mum's like, and would rather that it was she that took the flack if it's not good enough, rather than her boyfriend doing something else wrong. I know I would.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 20/05/2023 15:34

HeidiUpTheMountain · 19/05/2023 23:24

I would be worried about not cleaning well enough in OP’s house, wouldn’t you? So as long as one of them does it, what’s the harm? I would clean up after my guests, too.

Show quote history

I don't think Id visit more than once. And I'd take my own sippy cup for both our sanity.

Coyoacan · 21/05/2023 14:09

OP, is there a treatment for OCD? because it sounds llike hell for you