To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

[AmIEnough]

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

YANBU.

When you replace your carpets, consider carpet tiles with some tape on the corners to hold them down instead of glue. My car vomited on my bedroom floor a couple of nights ago. I picked up the splattered tile, scraped the lumps into the loo, washed the tile under the shower, soaked up the worst of the water with a towel, and put the tile on the Dry:Soon. The tile was spotless and fully dry within 24 hours for me to refit it.

melj1213 I really agree with this.

I can't tell from the OP whether his response is reasonable. It could be one of three option IMO

1. If I can't make a mess, then I won't come over!

1. This is actually turning into more faff than it's worth so I'll just come over when I haven't been at work.

1. It seems like you aren't really happy with me coming over so I won't.

2 or 3 seem most likely to me and are both pretty reasonable.

What does your daughter think?

YABU, IMO. I wouldn't want to come round either. I'd feel well uncomfortable, and there's nothing worse than not being able to be comfortable in a place you stay at.

I understand you have OCD, and having lived with a parent with OCD can confirm it's hellish and incredibly stressful. As soon as one issue is resolved, the sufferer moves onto another issue, and the cycle repeats. It's actually neigh on impossible to please a sufferer of OCD because of how the sufferer will move on to the next problem, and the next problem. Your OCD is yours to deal with, not everyone else's. There's being accommodating to your OCD, and then there's being controlling. I also say this as a sufferer of severe anxiety which in my case, used to be outwardly projected as controlling how clean the home was and other people being the cause of the house not being clean enough. It's not just ivory carpets, its always something. I am not blind to the correlation between having a parent with OCD and my anxiety manifesting that way, by the way. Something to think about.

If you look at it from his point of view, his gf's mum is insinuating he's a bit of a dirty minger, so much so he has to change his clothes in a garage (regardless of how 'nice it is' before coming into her home, after already needing to put overalls in a plastic box outside of your home. After complying with the latter, he's (rightly, imo) decided the former is a touch too far for him, so just won't visit. Good, he has boundaries. He's not kicking up a fuss. He just can't be arsed with your demands so chooses not to visit.

You can absolutely bet this has upset your daughter and probably caused issues between them as she wants him to come over but he feels unwelcome and uncomfortable in doing so.

I may be wrong, but this opinion is based off that surely this 'thick layer of dust' he trails about is not actually as bad to most people, as it feels to you. It may well be, in which case fair enough, change your carpet.

It's just a carpet.

It's just a carpet

And the replacement cost would be?

For the carpet or the boyfriend?

I once dated a guy who’s mum was a clean freak. She once had a go at me because some strands of my long hair had got onto the carpet (you know, because hair sheds) and insisted I had to brush my hair into the toilet bowl.

That was the beginning of the end for me. It might sound trivial but I wasn’t actively brushing my hair to make a mess on the carpet. When you have long dark hair, it gets places sometimes. But it made me feel so uncomfortable that I no longer wanted to spend time there.

I understand that this guy’s muddy trousers are worse than the odd strand of hair on the carpet but I’d be wary of making him feel uncomfortable. You’re basically telling him that he’s so dirty you don’t want him in the house. Which yes, is essentially true, but it’s not a nice connotation.

Asking him to change in the garage is unreasonable. It would be different if you were asking him to change in a downstairs toilet and he had to come in the back door or something- a toilet has a lock on it and is private.

I can’t imagine you’d be too happy if you visited a friend and she insisted you change down to your underwear in the garage or the shed before letting you in to have coffee with you.

How dirty are things getting, and how much cleaning is actually required? Is it a case of needing to give things a quick wipe/vacuum, or of needing to get out a carpet cleaner?

If it's a normal amount of dirt, why not ask your DD and her bf what they think would be a reasonable approach to maintain an acceptable standard of cleanliness. If they're old enough to work and spend time together in her room, then they're old enough to take on some responsibility for cleaning up their own messes.

I'd be careful, though, in case your OCD and other difficulties may be controlling the situation. Check with someone else - is how you feel reasonable in their opinion? It may be that you need to do some work on learning to tolerate a certain level of dirt and on controlling your reactions.

There’s a huge difference between stripping off to your boxers in your own home and doing it in someone else’s home. I wonder around naked in my own home, but I wouldn’t be doing it anywhere else.

I highly doubt you’d be so keen to strip down to your bra and knickers in your colleagues house, for example. Especially in a garage without full privacy.

A one off. Change it for lino or similar, as it's easy to clean compared to carpet. It's not exactly a difficult concept to grasp, seeing as most of us are aware of such inventions which have been around for a very long time. You don't really even need to have a reasonable IQ to come to this simple conclusion.

YABU for describing white carpets as "ivory".

My IQ is struggling with the concept of lino on the stairs.

I'm sure you've seen stairs that aren't carpeted before though, right?

Regardless of the mess, why should he come to your house and jump in the shower every night?

He should go home, get showered and changed and then come round to you!

To be fair, it's the whole issue of the OP being advised to accommodate a visitor in such a ludicrous fashion.

I don't want to put words in the PP's mouth, but given their insight into life with a parent with OCD, I think the suggestion was intended to preserve the OP's relationship with her daughter.

And given that the OP's posts don't actually mention how her daughter feels about the situation or the impact on her, I think that is probably the best approach.

I would say ok, see you at the weekend. Unless he actually lives there, he doesn’t need to be there all the time anyway.

The high IQ strikes again.

How is it possible to so badly miss the bigger picture? You'd have to be intending to, surely.

OCD and anxiety - get rid of the ivory carpets in a teenagers bedroom. Few teenagers can cope with keeping that immaculate. Manky boyfriends or not.

I can only imagine the stress if DD tried to put any on make up, hair products or do art homework. And I don't mean stress for the OP. Good grief.

Feel free as you put it pretty well.

The issue isn't the boyfriend here. There's more to this than some grubby jeans.

He's her boyfriend?!?! Also I hardly think she's feeding him 7 meals a day! He goes for tea some weeknights.

I think it's telling that OP hasn't mentioned at any point how her daughter feels about any of this.

It isn't always easy being the child of someone who is ND or someone who has mental health conditions. Especially 'acute' ones.

OP, please let your daughter's bedroom be a safe zone where she can relax and be herself, dusty boyfriend and all. Let her clean to her own satisfaction, she's 16- is there any reason for you to go in her room at all? Just keep the door shut and don't concern yourself with it.

When she leaves home replace the carpet.

As PPs said, you are prioritising a piece of fabric (that you didn't even choose) over real relationships with living people.

And if you haven't, please ask your daughter how she feels about all of this, and really listen. Your condition might be hurting her more than you realise.

YANBU – it’s basic courtesy if you have a job like his to get clean before you go visiting, regardless of the colour of your host’s carpets. I’d be more troubled though by my daughter dating someone who wears pyjama bottoms to dinner: tell her to raise her standards.

I’m not surprised he can’t be arsed, it sounds the opposite to a warm welcome. How does your DD feel about things?

surely you just ask your DD to hoover the bathroom and her carpet when he’s gone? Its not damage or destruction, it’s a bit of hoover-able dust.

I would send him a message if you can and say briefly what you have said here: You are very fond of him, don’t want him to stop coming round but that his work clothing leaves mess that causes you anxiety.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable- you have offered a solution and lots of people have to change out of work gear for the same reason.

Well said.

If he goes home after work instead of coming straight to OP's house, then it seems that it solves all the problems: he can shower and change in his own home, as he should, and then if he is not too tired he can go see his girlfriend as a normal visitor.

I think the conflict lies in the attitude of the daughter and her boyfriend that if her boyfriend has to go home first and shower before coming to visit his girlfriend, that this implies some sort of rudeness on the part of OP. Many posters seem to be backing up that attitude which I find amazing. A respectful boyfriend does not track mud all over the carpets of his girlfriend's mother, nor does he leave the bathroom in his girlfriend's house a mess of dirt.

Very strange to see so many supposedly modern women acting as if a man has every right to make a mess of a woman's home and that woman should just meekly clean up after him or accept the soiling of her nice home.

Madness.