To have just exploded today

[Cantstandbullies]

I’ve name changed because it’s outing but tbh I have nothing to be ashamed over.

I’ve posted in the past about this bully in my sons class (y6) about him saying sexual things to my son & to other kids, the school had to ring social services over him.

I have always tried to remain dignified at the school even though I really wanted to say something to his mum, who has never once apologised for her sons vile behaviour. Even though the school have had to ring SS over him & keep him away from my son.

my little one has Cystic Fibrosis & had a feeding tube fitted recently, I got a call today from the school saying he’d fell on school tires & hit his tube. Let’s just say when I got there it looked like he’d been in a road accident how bad it was. The blood everywhere. Had to take him home & see the stoma nurse. Thankfully it’s ok now.

I get a text off my sons friend. They go to the same school, saying “her son wanted to tell her that the bully pushed my son on the tire & made him fall on his tube but he knows my son is to scared to tell me” I asked him after physically getting on my hands & knees & begging him because I just knew he was hiding it. My son went grey. I’ve never seen anyone go that colour. He finally caved.

He’s been picking on my son AGAIN when the teachers haven’t been looking, the past year has been horrific. Now it all makes sense. The weight loss, the picking at his lips to the point every part of his lips have no skin just scabs, the pulling his nail beds to pieces, I asked him months ago, was the bully in question bullying you again, please tell me you’re in no trouble. I’ve always made it clear he will never ever be in trouble he just needs to talk to me. But he’s put on such a bravado that he truly convinced us he was just down over his CF, so he’s been seeing the CF Psychologist.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore & I approached the bully’s mum (with the intentions to tell her to actually have words with her son) Soon as I approached her in the most non confrontational way she jumped on the offensive, I just exploded. Told her to keep her horrible nasty bullying son away from mine. I’ve had enough. I absolutely went off on one. I’m not proud of it but I’ve watched my son go from the most loveliest, kindest boy to a shell of himself.

He was pretending he was down because of his Cystic Fibrosis. I feel like I’ve failed him as a mum. I can’t stop crying, the school have done nothing at all. I don’t feel bad for the things I said to his mum though, her son is exactly the way he is because she can’t see no wrong in her son & that was so obvious today.

I know I’m not BU, (maybe some might say I am for even approaching her) I’d expect her to react the same had my son been the bully & I would wipe the floor with my son.

So now I’m in limbo, I just don’t know whether to home school him now but then I think why should the bully be let off the hook.

Im just distraught seeing my little sons face crumble. The colour he went was pure fear, it is scorched in my brain. I’ve had talks with him from when he was old enough to understand about how important it is to stand up for yourself but also that it’s ok if you are scared just tell me or your dad so we can fix it.

So sorry for going on. I’m just gutted. Sorry. I don’t even know what I’m looking for on here. I’m just so so heartbroken.

Your poor boy!
You did the right thing. If she's not willing to have a calm discussion about it, she needs to accept the consequences. You've tried talking to the school and it's got you nowhere.

Please ask to speak to the school governors.
Your son shouldn't have to be afraid at school.

You need to tell the school what really happened ASAP, ask for an appointment and ask them what they plan to do about it.

If after that you still get no joy and you don't want to home school, you have no choice really other than to look around for another school even though you shouldn't have to.

I don't see what else you can do but someone else might be along with some ideas.

Well done you. I can't stand bullies either. I would be setting up a meeting with the school head about this.
Why can't some parents see that sometimes their little darlings are right little shits.
Your poor boy I would be seeking confirmation from the school that any further bullying will see the bully be suspended.

I'm not proud of this op but I have done very similar. My child was a shell, being physically assaulted daily, trying to be sick so they didn't have to go to school. Strangled, stabbed with drawing pins, slapped, you name it. I approached the school, I had meetings after meetings, I involved the head, I had everything written down, I did everything "right". After 3 years of being terrorised it happened in front of me in the playground, and in front of the mum who did fuck all as usual. I completely lost my shit, and said to some effect that if it doesn't stop now, I won't be coming for the school or the kid, but I'd be coming for her - again, I'm not proud, I just completely lost it after 3 agonising years. He never touched my child again.
You know as I do it wasn't probably the correct way to deal with it, but when you're at breaking point and it's your child - I totally get it. Hopefully it'll go the same way it did in my experience and your son will be left alone. Sending you a virtual hug, I know how awful it is

No additional advice than what PPs have said, but YANBU and good for you. I’d have lost it ages ago. Little shit and his fucking useless mother.

Your poor boy :( but at least he knows his mum always has his back. Sending unmumsnetty hugs your way OP.

Thank you for the replies, they mean so much. I can’t sleep, he’s asleep hooked up to his overnight feed next to me tonight. I need him close to me, not sure why but I just do.

@MrsDoylesDoily Sorry I’m just a wreck, I did tell the school. They’re having a meeting with me tomorrow. Same old thing. Lessons will be learnt. But they never are.

I am finally relieved he’s opened up, but devastated he’s been carrying this burden. I can’t help but question myself. Even though I know I’m a good mum. My whole life is dedicated to him & making his life the most fullest, loving life he could ever want.

Thanks again for the kindness. I just needed to get it off my chest. I have not stopped shaking with pure anger. X

Dear god you poor poor thing. Firstly this is NOT your fault. Children are masters at hiding things from us. You sound like an amazing mum and your little boy is lucky you are his mum & not that other mum who is failing her child big time. Tell the school you have everything documented and you will be taking matters further - your vulnerable child has been bullied and victimised in their care. Possibly have a look and see if other schools are an option, otherwise keep your child home if you can until school proposes an acceptable (and safe) solution keeping the other boy far away from yours. Sending huge huge hugs & hoping this will be resolved quickly xx

YANBU you are being a great mum and now he knows you will try and help him out.

Whatever happens in the meeting please demand that they confirm in writing that they have understood your concerns and ask them to confirm in writing what they will do to protect your child from now on. Keep written records of all contact and who says what so you can hold them accountable.

Make it clear this is a formal complaint and you will escalate to governors, LA and OFSTED if they don't start acting now.

I went through this with my boy and basically became SUCH a nuisance that they did start to act eventually.

Good luck x

Emotions aside.......

This is time to inform the school and LEA about your intention to discuss their lack of care for a disabled pupil that they are protecting from physical assualt that will affect his health.

Go BIG with officialdom. Inform OFSTED too. I rather suspect that when the school realise that OFSTED will know, they will change their tune.

And look at changing schools. Insist that theLEA help you with transport for this if that is an issue for you as you are moving him due to safeguarding and their lack of care.

Emotions back on....... give your wee one a hug from me. As the mother of a (now) 32 year man with Cerebal Palsy who was horribly bullied in a similar manner, I am thinking of you both.

Sorry...that they are NOT protecting from assualt

I just had a thought, does your lad have an EHCP?

I'd be pushing for him to get one which explicitly talks about integration with peers and socialising and basically covers off the issue of him being physically vulnerable to others.

This is another weapon you can use against the school if they don't step up and protect him.

Fair bloody play to you!! If ever there was a reason to lose your shit, this was it.

Before the school meeting in the morning:

write a list of ever way he is suffering a a direct result of the bullying

Advise that you have previously repeated reported X number of incidents, to whom, the date and method (in person, phone, email etc).

Advise that you have witnesses etc.

Take a picture of all this on your phone and email it you yourself.

After the meeting, email them again documenting the meeting, today when I meet with X at 9am to discuss. I advised of X, Y, Z. You agree to A,B, C. I look forward to quick action and resolution of this matter to ensure the safeguarding of my son.

Give them no opportunity to minimise it or deflect any longer.

Repeat the words safeguarding, serious concern, bulling, wellbeing, risk, inaction, unacceptable, obligations, immediate action etc. like confetti.

Ask for copy of bullying policy, request speaking to safeguarding lead etc.

You son deserve better and they need to address this now.

@PyongyangKipperbang makes a great point on emotions on/off.

Be as calm, and articulate as you can. Emotion often clouds or over takes the message so minimise it as much as you can.

It will come across as far more rational and can't be as easily dismissed as emotional or dramatic etc.

Of course it wasn’t technically the right thing to do, but bloody hell it was the right thing to do!

goodness your poor lad. I hope you can get this sorted for him. He knows you are 100% on his side and that is golden.

How old is the other boy? Year 6 - is he 10 yet?

At 10, in England & Wales, the school cannot prevent you reporting an assault to the police. Schools may bang on about their 'procedures', and parents do try to follow them, but sometimes an assault is an assault and a school is unable somehow to protect the victim. There are times where the relevant staff and governors at the school need a reminder that a victim has rights too, no matter how troubled the background of the bullying child might be.

Also what pp said about asking for an EHCP if you don't have one, or getting your son's vulnerabilities added to it if you do.

Good for you. What a great mum

If it's an option, I would take him out of that school. Whether that's on a permanent basis or just until you get a resolution you are satisfied with, but I cannot see any benefit to sending your poor lovely boy to somewhere that's making him so miserable.

(Full disclosure - we home ed for other reasons but I am eternally glad that it means I never have to worry about this kind of thing. Whatever you decide to do long term, a few days of snuggles and fun will make you both feel better about this ordeal!).

He’s currently in the middle of getting an EHCP. So I’m not sure where I stand with that at the moment. It’s looking likely he’ll get one but waiting for the decision.

The bully is 11 & built like a rugby player & my son is 10 & is extremely thin, due to his CF but now I know it’s also to do with the bullying & not being able to eat. That’s why he had a feeding tube fitted four weeks ago.

Im going in tomorrow with his dad, I’m making it very clear I want a meeting with the governors 100% & I just can’t put him back in whilst that bully is still there. He has zero confidence anymore & the signs were so obvious. Can’t believe I missed them. When he was off school after his tube being fitted, his picking of his lips stopped, they went back to a lovely colour pink, his nail beds looked immaculate, his face wasn’t drawn in & he would wake up every morning with his little spring back in his step.

Im getting myself upset about it again because I just feel like I’ve let him down horribly. But I keep reminding myself that I was always trying to get him to communicate but unfortunately he’s just a deep child & couldn’t. But he’s found his voice today & I am really proud of him. Looking at him after he confessed it was like a massive weight was lifted off his shoulders. X

Keep reminding him how proud you are of him for telling you! And be kind to yourself - the school should have been looking out for him and they failed massively but you can fix it, whatever that entails.

The bully is 11?

report to the police, as PP said

Well done! You can bet your bottom dollar that this boy has learnt this behaviour from home. His mother has just discovered that you can be as nasty as you like but eventually, you will encounter someone far angrier who will put you in your place! Perhaps you have done her son a favour. If he carries on bullying, he will eventually encounter a bigger bully who will wipe the floor with him.
I envy your self restraint. You must have felt like slapping seven shades of shite out of her! So no, you mustn't feel bad. In fact, I FORBID you to feel bad. Much love to your boy, I hope this is the turning point for him.

How do I go about reporting it? I have no clue but it’s an option I’m really considering. Had the tube come out of his stomach it could have done some serious damage to another organ. Thank god it didn’t x

Oh, your poor boy - well done for you OP.

My autistic daughter was mercilessly bullied at her previous primary school. A gang was bullying her every time the teacher's back was turned, and they also bullied her online. The one girl even tried to force poisonous berries down DD's throat. The school did fuck all.

Well, I finally went ape at the school and told them I'd be going to the police. Within days the two main bullies had left school (apparently 'moved to a different country'). The one with the berries was still there and the school still wouldn't do anything.

I was left with no choice but to move. The new school had a zero bullying policy that was actually upheld. DD was so very happy there. You may be left with no choice but to change schools, but please do tell the school this will be reported to the police, and then report it.

Give you little man a big hug tonight for being so brave.

I would report the bullying, but also state you feel it's a hate crime, considering your son's disability.

@Cantstandbullies and @ladydimitrescu just wanted to say a massive well done to both of you for doing exactly what needed to be done for your children!

You have not let your child down at all, children are amazing at hiding things they don't want us to hear. You did the right thing in pushing for the information, it was necessary in this scenario. You also did the right thing in losing your cool with the mother, clearly she doesn't see the impact of her child's actions and hopefully this will get her attention. No excuse for that behaviour (the bully and the bully's mum, not yours- yours was more than reasonable!)
Regarding home learning etc, the best you can do is take it slow and be led by what your child is comfortable with.
You really are a damn good parent, please please don't be so hard on yourself. You've done well, you stuck up for your son against the bully, you are fighting his corner so that he feels and remains safe.
Hold him close tonight, let your heart rate fall into a rhythm with his and try to get some sleep if you can. You really are a good mother, promise