WWYD sleepovers

[Justonemoreepisode]

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

When you have DC and no support, you just can't go out, or you take your DC with you. You don't find "acquaintances" with DBS checks to do it for you.

I cannot believe you have agree to this, at the expense of your DD. I have in the past, got myself in a pickle, but have always ended it as soon as I saw what was happening.

If you are not comfortable with ending this by telling the other parent the reality, then suck up the last sleepover and make NO other arrangements again. If you tell the mum she may end up emotionally blackmailing you and you end up carrying on. It may be best just to suck up the last one, and promise your DD never again, take them out so time alone is limited on the night and they just sleep, and then tell the other parent you are busy, can't do X dates, no longer have the time and got things going on in your own life so can't commit to it any more.

Is it fostering or adoption or is it that the child has a disability or food allergy? I was once told that I was going to be a part of a small group of people who could have a child over after I had leant how to deal with an anaphylactic shock due to allergies and I shut that down immediately, because they mum was a nightmare and I wasn't getting into that.

Shut it down! Have your daughter's back!

No way would I continue this 'arrangement' for a minute longer. This child is bullying yours; not only at school but then in her own home??
I agree with all the previous posters who say that you need to let the mum know. Don't feel guilty - her childcare issues are not your problem! Bit confused as to how you've gotten into this situation if you're not particularly friends with her anyway? And does she ever reciprocate or are you free childcare as & when she dictates??

Regardless, it needs to end. Walk away & don't feel bad about it.

Your daughter sounds very mature & sweet, by the way.

Yes. This is your daughters house and safe place. She should come first. Her parents will have to make other arrangements moving forward. You can be honest with them about it to the reasons why.

@SnackSizeRaisin
Perhaps your daughter could go elsewhere for a playdate while the other girl comes to yours, as a one off?
Oh yeah, great idea, kick the poor kid out of her home whilst her bully gets to sleep over at hers!
OP, you are not U at all - it's a nice thing to do, this childcare thing, but it doesn't sound great from the girls viewpoint if it's not what they want for themselves, just their mums forcing sleepovers as it's convenient for them rather than friends wanting to.
ESPECIALLY as your child is now being bullied l, absolutely no way should bully be invited, and say why. She needs to learn consequences, and your poor dad should not have to host her bully in her safe space, her own house. I'd have hated that as a kid- having to put up with her shit all day, then she's over at mine as mum has invited her to sleep over?! 😳
No fkn chance. Stand up for your dd.

Poor dad should read dd, bloody autocorrect

Put your DD first. If it was a one-off falling out and they were usually best of friends then that would be different. But your DD shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home with someone who actively expresses negative feelings towards her.

Have a chat with the mum so she has time to sort something else out, but your priority needs to be your DD's wellbeing. Having had experience myself being the child of a parent who was prone to blithely putting other kids first without even considering how I would feel, undercurrents of resentment and distrust can linger.

This is one of these totally weird, stupid and random posts in which people describe doing things which noone in their right mind ever will do. Crazy. Do you love your own family at all or you prefer to be a doormat to everyone who smiles at you at school gate

Having boundaries is not being unkind. You have an opportunity to show your DD that having boundaries is fine otherwise you are teaching her to put other people (unkind bullying people) before her own desire, needs and comfort. The last thing girls need is more messages about being doormats

Like fuck would I be looking after anyone who was doing this to my DD. You don’t have to be rude just tell the truth. “Your DD is engaging in relational bullying against my DD and is no longer welcome in my home. They aren’t friends, DD is getting nothing from having her around so we won’t be babysitting anymore”.

You are her mother, she relies on you to a)model behaviour which will protect her b)protect her when it is reasonable to do so. She’s your kid, go bare your teeth.

Is the girl's mum aware of her child's behaviour?

I would arrange for your daughter to be elsewhere with another friend or family member. You can look after the other girl as promised and explain to the mother that this will be the last time. Your prime responsibility is to your daughter.

And the girls’s mum didn’t check the birthday invitations before they went out? Of course, she did! She just didn’t give a sh*t about your DD. The mother is taking you for a ride and you’re a mug for going along with it.

Stop the arrangement permanently now and don’t be persuaded to start it up again when they’ve buttered you up ready to use again. The other girl isn’t your responsibility. Your responsibility is wholly to your DD.

Frankly, who cares if the other mum can’t go out? That’s her problem not yours, and if she’d been less thoughtless this wouldn’t have happened. Perhaps she should be looking closer to home for who’s at fault?

There is no way I’d have this girl over. Your obligations are to your daughter, not this girl or her parents. Don’t make your own child uncomfortable to accommodate the comfort of these people.

That’s horrible! Why should the OP’s own DD be farmed out so this unkind girl and her thoughtless mother aren’t inconvenienced?? Unbelievable!

I agree.

OP where is your lioness protecting their cubs instincts? Do you even have them?

What now?

Ridiculous. God I despair.

I voted YABU, as I think yabu to put this girl ahead of your own DD. Cancel the sleepover, not because of the party (you said DD wasn't particularly bothered at first) but because of this girl's behaviour in school - especially the "you have to be nice to me, but I don't have to be nice to you..." This girl is, by the sounds of it, quite a vulnerable child, but even then she has to learn that treating people that way is unacceptable and that there are consequences. She can't get away with things because she's "special".

I realise cancel the sleepover is now becoming the new cancel the cheque.... but really, Cancel the Sleepover!

Also...if someone had been looking after my child I would 100% ensure their child was invited to the party. Ok OP your daughter didn't care but its still beyond rude. Fkn get rid of this rubbish arrangement.

Perhaps you could 'babysit' at the child's house for the minimum time needed rather than force your daughter to make nice? Make it reasonably boring for the child so she sees the consequences of her actions.

Yes I get this means sleeping over at their house, give the mum the choice of this or nothing as child has been bullying your daughter.

Why do people keep suggesting you still look after this kid, to the detriment of your own daughter?!
Bonkers.

Hi, thanks again for all the responses. Conversations been had, childcare not happening.
i appreciate from the limited info I seem like a walkover, I have kept some bits purposely vague which doesn’t help. To answer a few points, girls were friends which is how I initially got involved - they drift from being best friends to not having much to do with each other back to good friends; no major fallings out or bullying behaviour until the last couple of weeks. DD has enjoyed previous play dates even if not instigated by her and is given lots of opportunities to have other friends over/days out etc. current issues were brought up at weekend, and dd and I have very open relationship and she is confident that I will speak to other mum, School etc as she wants/feels comfortable with.

Good for you OP.
What was other mum’s response?

Well done OP! I’d have done the same. There’s no way I’d be helping out a family and a child that had been unkind to my own.

What was the other mum's response? She's got to be told about her daughters behaviour. Is this a paid job you do or do you mind the girl for free? If free, I would let the mum know how upset your daughter was about not getting an invite. I wouldn't usually say anything if it was me but if I'm doing lots of favours for someone then yes It would be nice to expect a party invite for my child, it's cruel not to give an invite. I would be mortified leaving out someone that done these favours for me.