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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD sleepovers

261 replies

Justonemoreepisode · 16/05/2023 22:31

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 17/05/2023 22:25

So what if only a few people can look after her? No one else looks after my kids. I do. My Mum if I’m stuck. I haven’t got a bank of people I can call on. I don’t understand this arrangement at all. Tell her the sleepover is off as she’s unkind to your DD and as of now, you’re not one of her childcare options.

Viviennemary · 17/05/2023 22:27

I think thatbis extremely rude of them. I wouldn't be inclined to have this girl to my house again in a hurry.

RedToothBrush · 17/05/2023 22:34

Hellocatshome · 16/05/2023 22:34

How did you end up being part of this small group that can look after this child if you are not friends with the parents? How old are the girls?

This.

Your daughter should be coming first, not this child no matter who she is.

This child is bullying your child. It is no longer sustainable to have this child around. Maybe saying this and killing the parents social life will focus minds and force the parents to take it seriously and deal with their daughter appropriately.

Otherwise you are being a door mat and are shitting all over your daughter to boot. This is not ok.

Soproudoflionesses · 17/05/2023 22:42

PeopleAreShit · 17/05/2023 22:16

You absolutely have to 100% cancel the sleepover. Tell the parents that as her daughter has decided she is no longer friends with your daughter, she is not invited to her party and excluded at school you can’t see how on earth a sleepover will work. It will be so traumatising for your daughter for you to have this child at home in her safe space, with you knowing the issues and condoning it. You will be teaching her she has no autonomy and has to be nice to people abusing her, you will wire her brain to be nice to people who hurt her, it will mess her up for adult relationships. Don’t do this to her.

Agree 100%

SirVixofVixHall · 17/05/2023 22:46

mynameiscalypso · 16/05/2023 22:34

I wouldn't let someone who is bullying my child into the house.

I agree.

Katey83 · 17/05/2023 23:07

Put your own child first, you’re her mother. Cancel sleepover and explain you aren’t willing to help out with this child again, as it’s becoming a bullying situation and your daughter is being affected.

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/05/2023 23:23

Rightly or wrongly, if I were OP, I'd tell my DD to say to Little Madam:

'My Mum says only people who are kind can stay at my house, so you won't be staying again'.

Being bullied is horrid, a tiny bit of comeback could really boost her confidence (of course not if she's not capable of sticking to that wording or delivering it in a frank and no-nonsense manner which she probably isn't as shes only 8).

Definitely tell the childs mother EXACTLY why including the 'i don't have to be nice to you, but you have to be nice to me' wording, her daughter is no longer welcome.

SparklyBlackKitten · 17/05/2023 23:27

Cancel the playdate
And stick up for your dd.
Explain why to the mum by letting her know what her dd said /does

Minierme · 17/05/2023 23:33

I babysat for a friend going through a hard time but her kids would pinch my toddler. They had been adopted and so I had totally understanding that it was hard on them being away from mummy. But ultimately I couldn’t allow that. Same for your daughter, your first priority is to your child. It’s a shame that this girl is (probably because of insecurity) Sabataging her parents support network, but it’s not your doing and your DD shouldn’t be forced to accept it. I would pull out now of any future commitments. Apologise but say the girls really aren’t getting on and it wouldn’t be fair to put them in close quarters.

DreamTheMoors · 18/05/2023 04:49

Bullies are the very worst sort of person.

If you allow this to go forward, you’re rewarding the bully and punishing the victim, who’s your daughter in this instance.

Even if it were tomorrow, I’d cancel on the bully.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2023 05:46

We understand you have limited options for childcare and until now we have been more than happy to regularly host x.

Dd has reported to me x has been unkind to her at school and is is teasing her and the other girls not invited to her party. That she is pulling the invitees away from them, holding private chats and whispering with the group of girls she has. Moreover that she said “she doesn’t have to be nice my dd, but my dd has to be nice to her”.

My dd is confused by the behaviour and needs to feel safe in her own home. She is now extremely uncomfortable with the idea of x participating in any more sleepovers or play dates and therefore I am cancelling the arrangements for x date.

You may wish to add: On a personal note, I am disappointed that my dd has been excluded after all we have done for you.

Beautiful3 · 18/05/2023 06:01

We had this issue too. At first I still went ahead with playdates, for my friends sake. But it all went sour. The girls were fighting. My child was upset that she didn't come first, but someone else child did. I stopped it all. I explained to my friend that I was very sorry, but had to end it as the girls were not getting along. Looking back on it, my child's feelings should have come first straight away. I shouldn't have allowed her to be excluded and bullied by this girl both at school, and in my child's only safe space, home. I suggest you end the playdates and sleepovers for her mental health, before she decides that she doesn't matter. I'd also tell her to keep away from this girl at school. If it continues,.speak to a teacher.

IcedBananas · 18/05/2023 06:29

I agree with the PPs. Cancel the play date.

But I would say that you don’t 100% know what’s going on at school and you say the friendship is on-off so the girls might be friends again in a few weeks so I’d be honest with the other Mum but I wouldn’t accuse the other child of bullying just yet. Just that they’re not getting on, your child feels excluded from little group chats and teased and that her child has indicated that she won’t be nice to your child when she’s at your house. I’d leave the opportunity open for play dates in the future if initiated by the kids.

Then take a massive step back from this arrangement. You shouldn’t be helping someone out like this who you don’t even call a friend. Any future play dates must be initiated by your DD asking you to have this child round not by you or the other parent

stayathomer · 18/05/2023 06:44

If I was this girl’s mother no matter what her or their situation, I would want to know my dd was carrying on like this and that my own dd was upset (as a caveat though, just be careful of your wording, I’ve seen things go very sour because parents didn’t believe their children could possibly do something like this)

Also you say as people have guessed this is not clear cut. Unless it’s someone in your immediate family or someone you need in your life there’s no reason why you should feel quite so obligated to help them out surely? People have problems but at some stage they need to deal with them themselves

Unicorntastic · 18/05/2023 06:50

Put your daughter first, what the heck are you teaching her otherwise-that her feelings don’t matter and she has to ‘ be kind’

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/05/2023 07:12

mynameiscalypso · 16/05/2023 22:34

I wouldn't let someone who is bullying my child into the house.

Absolutely this. Your DD comes first and should feel safe in her own home. You need to tell the mum she needs to find other arrangements.

Weedoormatnomore · 18/05/2023 07:16

I really hope you have told the mum you can't have her dd over and why. It's fine to not be invited but the way the girl is acting is bullying and you need to show your dd it is not right !

Mainlinethehappy · 18/05/2023 07:24

You owe it to your daughter to back her feelings up. Uninvite this other girl. Your daughter will learn that she matters.
Please do this - I was a young girl with parents who always prioritised other people - I would be told off for their behaviour, told that I was to be seen and not heard, my feelings would be mocked, and the self esteem issues I had growing up as an older girl were dreadful.
Your daughter matters - more than your politeness or the other parents' childcare issues.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/05/2023 07:29

Sleepovers in a few weeks-mum has time to find someone else.
I’d have an open conversation with mum and say unfortunately your daughter is behaving badly towards mine and give examples. Tell her DD does not feel comfortable sharing her home at this time with someone who is treating her like that.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 18/05/2023 07:51

Your primary responsibility is for your daughter. You simply cannot allow someone who is bullying her into your home.

musixa · 18/05/2023 07:57

Your daughter should tell the girl you've confirmed she won't be allowed to set foot in your house again until she has learned the basics of decent behaviour.

Climbles · 18/05/2023 08:01

This other girl is only 8 and has probably felt a bit unwanted on these ‘play dates’ and is enjoying the feeling of the reverse.
This whole situation is caused by the adults forcing them on each other.
However, it’s not your dd’s fault and she shouldn’t have to put up with it any longer. Depending on the situation I wouldn’t either cancel the playdate or if it’s really important for the parent to have some time, then I would take them to the cinema so they don’t need to interact too much.

ClairDeLaLune · 18/05/2023 08:12

Put your daughter first. What kind of message does it give to her if you prioritise her bully? Cancel the sleepover and tell the mum exactly why.

Teateaandmoretea · 18/05/2023 08:17

Thinkingpod · 17/05/2023 17:19

I'd not be having her at my house. And as I'm evil I'd tell the mum 5 minutes before she is about to leave to drop her off to cause most inconvenience

You sound nice. The other mum by the sound of it is a foster carer.

But OP you can’t have the girl bullying your dd in her own house. So you need to talk to the other mum or cancel.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 18/05/2023 08:26

Wow. Regardless how the kids get on, you’ve been incredibly generous to provide childcare for these people and they don’t even have the good grace to make sure your DD gets a party invite. They’ve made a mug out of you.

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