To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Your bro wouldn´t try that one on with me, why do you think that is? My daughter is top priority above any other child on planet Earth. He has got you down as a mug with no boundaries. As for locking himself in his office...I would have taken the cot to his office door, loudly banged that I´m out and baby is all yours and walked out.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks didn’t your SIL have any paid maternity leave? Your brother should’ve had 2 weeks paternity leave too. SIL should’ve taken a year off work if she felt her Dd was too young for nursery. They should’ve planned childcare and work arrangements before the baby arrived. Even if you didn’t have a disabled dc, YANBU to refuse to do regular childcare. Say no.

OP - did your brother bully you when you are a child? Do you fell intimidated by him and his apparent judgement of you and your childcare arrangements?

Because otherwise I can't for the life of me understand why you are putting his demands first over the needs of your child as well as your rights to some down time in a very stressful life.

Frankly, if he and his wife are neglecting their new born then that's a case for social services.

Just because your ex-ILs want to spend time with and will help with their own DGC does not mean that you then have to support your DB! Life doesn't work like that! Your priority if your DC not theirs!

Do not do this anymore! Before you know it you will be looking after your DN every day.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks I went back to work full time when my little one was 9 months . Me and my partner pay 5 days a week at nursery. My partners dad will look after little one when he is sent home from nursery but that’s an emergency. Your brother and SIL are so entitled.

if you are a high earner you can afford childcare. You receiving help from In laws doesn’t come into it. They pay for childcare or one of them quit their jobs. The audacity !!!!

Also @HelpingWithDNNoThanks your brother locking himself in his office whilst your caring for your niece so you miss your own child’s school collection 🤣🤣🤣🤣🙈🙈🙈

Could it be your sil is suffering pnd?

I mean your bro sounds like a prick From your post. But it’s a shame it’s your dn who will suffer

i would consider contacting social services to be honest as it sounds like they need support and are struggling y

Frankly OP you would be taking the piss with YOUR employer to even consider this.

I really hope this is a hoax otherwise that poor baby being born to such unloving and uncaring parents.

Even if they wanted a child but not have to look after them all the time this should have been considered (not everyone takes ro being am at home parent) and childcare officially arranged while pregnant

Unless of course she didn't know she was pregnant and the baby was a surprise so they need help while they change their lives

But either way... that poor poor baby :(

its literally SO ALL to do with him and what your ex In-laws do, ffs why does he think that his work supersedes yours? ask him to WFH at your house with DN and see how well that goes down.

YADNBU and they are utterly mad. As others have said, one of them may well be able to take paid mat leave! Plus did they not think about this before the baby was born? Both wanting to work and refusing to use childcare = no baby so far as I am concerned!

So they're planning to use your for free childcare till then? Will they support you and your DS when you lose your job because you're caring for their baby while you're supposed to be working? Because that is what it comes down to. If you keep doing this you will lose your job. If nothing else helps focus on that when you say no. Don't tell them why, he'll go on about sharing the care, but he won't. They're both very entitled and selfish. What they're bullying you into wouldn't occur to most people to even suggest. Their child, they care for her. You need to look out for your DS, he needs you to keep your job and provide for him. Please don't let him bully you into doing this to you again. This is very much a situation where No and putting the phone down is a complete answer. They ask, it you can't manage to say no, and I get that, then you put the phone. If he keeps asking block him for the day. He's being a bully, you don't owe him childcare ever. You need to put your DS and your security first because no one else will. He certainly won't be supporting you if you lose your job when he's too tight to pay for a nanny or babysitter to come care for HIS child in his home.

Look at it this way OP, while you are busy feeling guilty about your DB and DN, you are risking the stability of your own DC. You are risking your job, you have already failed in your care to him by not picking him up , you are risking alienating your support network. Not only should you not be doing this because you DB is taking the piss, if you do it is at the expense of your own DC's wellbeing.

Id probably try to keep it simple 'sorry no, I find it impossible to work with a baby who needs looking after' and just leave it at that

I will not be offering more than what I already have which is pick up and drop off from childcare and occasional babysitting (and I mean occasional as in 2 or 3 times a year at most)

I don't know what SILs views on this are, as I only really chat to my brother, not because I dislike SIL or her me, but because my brother is my family.

So let me get this straight...

• Your brother and his partner have a 12 week old child. Both parents work full time and they have no childcare in place.

• Your parents have offered to do the same for him (drop offs/pick ups from childcare or a couple of hours a day) as they did for you (presumably for longer than the 6 months they gave you!)

• Your brother is under pressure from work because he has the baby at home and no childcare - which I assume is threatening his job.

• Your brother anticipates that you can 'WFH' keeping your employer happy and doing your job AND look after DN (whilst he works behind a locked door - don't doubt that is exactly what he'll do) despite the fact that he clearly cannot.

His answer is that you owe him because:

• your parents did limited childcare for you, despite them offering him the same.
• you have inlaws who will support you after school with your disabled DC occasionally when required. (And he feels entitled to out on them to increase this just as he feels he can put on your with his baby)

Despite

• you being a single parent to a disabled child
• your child only seeing his dad for 1 weekend a month
• there are 2 of them to support this baby both practically and financially
• yours is the only income into your household (I expect DB earns more than the £250 your ex pays...)

Clearly he is as deluded and selfish as they come - along with his DP!

You already state in your OP you are run ragged by your work and disabled DC. And you are now feeling guilty that you can't add full time baby care to this mix?!?

You need to stop bailing him out. When he 'invites you over' say No. He needs to hit the ground and decide how he is going to deal with it. You are only delaying the inevitable by proping him up even 1 day a week as it isn't sustainable.

I got as far as this post @HelpingWithDNNoThanks - there is someone there though. The baby's father is there. Whether they are at work or not is not your concern.
They either need to get a qualified Nanny or employ a childminder to look after their baby. You cannot and should not be the person being lined up for this as you have your own responsibilities.

If they are adamant they won’t use childcare then one of them needs to be a SAHP. You are not able to take on a tiny baby. End of. They need to accept responsibility for their own child.
Dont let them make you feel guilty for prioritising your own child and your health.

I would have banged on his office door until he opened it.
That is so outrageous

It's one thing asking you to help on your day off (although I don't think you should as you've got a lot on your plate and need that day); it's totally unreasonable of him to ask you to disrupt your work on the other days to babysit for him. I actually can't believe anyone would ask that! Just tell him you need to be online/available for work on those days and it would quickly become apparent to your employer that you weren't. You can't risk your job, especially when they're already so accommodating. What have you ex-ILs got to do with this bit of the request anyway? It's not like they can do your work for you!?

@JaneBeyre "He has done the occasional bit of babysitting during the daytime, we're talking a few hours when I've had a gap of childcare during school holidays, maybe 2 or 3 times since I got my job and none at all since before covid.

They won't use childcare, they've said DN is to young, I have asked what age they'd put them in and they said 2 or hopefully even 3."

Omg are you telling me he actually expects you to continue doing this, for the next 3 years?!!! Stop going over there on your day off!

Please don't offer them the first part @HelpingWithDNNoThanks .

I say this because they are most definitely coming across as the type of couple that if you give them an inch they will take absolutely miles.

Simply let them know that you're not available for any childcare at the moment and should that situation change, you'll let them know. Then rinse and repeat!

"Oh DB, I'm really sorry (ham acting here) but I can't take DN to childcare. I'm just so terribly busy at the moment. You'll have to find someone else to do the drop off or collecting going forwards."

"Oh DB, I'm really sorry (again, ham acting going on here, you're not really sorry at all but they don't need to know that), but I can't babysit for DN at the moment as DC is taking up the majority of my time. You'll have to pop a notice up in the local shop advertising that you're looking for a babysitter I think".

Something like that should work.

You have to say to him - and mean it -

‘Dbro, the childcare help I have available has nothing to do with what childcare help I can give you. I can’t help you, I’m a single parent to a disabled child and I have to keep my job. My DC and my job are my top priorities. Your DC and your jobs and yours and SILs priorities.’

Then you have to stop going over. Visit at the weekend when SIL is there and talk
with both of them about it.

I’m outraged on your behalf.

What job can be so important you got back to work after 4 weeks and leave your baby to be 'tag teamed!' as opposed to proper childcare.

Agree with pp. That poor child.

But this is not your problem to sort OP and if your employer got wind of it I imagine they'd be less than happy.

Please extract yourself from this situation ASAP.

So you dont pick up your own disabled child if you are called because you are looking after your brother's baby? And you have also not picked your own disabled child up from school because you are looking after your brothers baby?

I would walk over hot coals to pick up my disabled child.

Walk in whilst he is in a meeting and put his child in his arms or pop him in his cot and go and look after your child who needs you.