To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Don't lie or make excuses. You don't need to explain the perfectly obvious.

So I didn't go over on my day off yesterday, partially because DC had an appointment and partially because I just didn't want to.

I've told my brother that I am happy to help with pick ups and drop offs to childminder/Nursery as long as it doesn't clash with my own DCs appointments or clubs, but I cannot provide anything more than that.

He's gone off on one at me saying I don't understand because I've never had to use childcare properly (when DC was 2 they went to a preschool type place 3 days a week but it was 9am-3pm sort of times and parents and ex-ILs helped out with it then). I don't understand how horrible it is for such small children and how expensive it is because I've got help from my exs parents.

I did say to him that my arrangements with my Ex-ILs or anyone else for that matter isn't really his business. My Ex-ILs help me because their son, my DCs dad, can't or won't, but they have no obligation to do it so I will not be asking them to do more in fact I would rather rely on them less if I could - for reference Ex-ILs are under 60.

Our parents no longer help me out regularly, they still do occasionally but I could manage without if they feel he needs more help. But they've both apparently said they won't be cutting hours or quiting jobs to help him out. They will do pick ups and drop offs though like me

So his options are:

1. He or SIL quit their jobs or 2) use childcare.

He's now not talking to me, so there may be no update after this but thank you all.

He's now not talking to me, so there may be no update after this but thank you all.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks

No big loss as far as I'm concerned.

But I have a feeling that he thinks you'll come crawling back and admitting you are wrong, etc, etc. I'd just leave it. Your parents are of the same opinion as you so he isn't going to be able to use them to 'get to you'. Chances are he'll be the one to come crawling back and ask for your picks/drops help when he realizes no one else is going to accede to his ridiculous demands.

OP just remwmber that you didn't use paid childcare when your own child was very young because you stopped work and were down one income! Your brother and his partner are perfectly able to do the same if they choose.

going back to work at 4 weeks postpartum in the UK (where you have a legal protection of at least 3 months) seems insane to me, but that's their choice. They then have a responsibility to find suitable childcare.

You have a child with disabilities and are a single parent. Does your brother remember that when he's telling you how lucky you are?! If I were you I wouldn't even commit to regular nursery pick ups. Put your DC first

The only one that doesn't seem to understand is him ( or them rather ) this is his baby, he can either go on paternity leave or equivalent, SIL can or the baby goes to a nanny/childcare, it's that simple.
They had 9 months to make a feasible plan, neither of them are willing to do what other parents do, what's wrong with them op? Are they mentally deficient?
The mind boggles!

Well done, OP. It must have been a difficult conversation but you were 100% in the right.

Wow. What exactly does he think happens at nurseries? My baby's nursery is wonderful and his daughter would be better off at a nursery who can give her the attention she needs when he's supposed to be working.

Goes to show he was using you and doesnt care about how it all impacted you

Your DB and his wife are utter idiots. Who has a baby thinking they don't need to worry about childcare because his lone parent sister with a disabled child will step in and compromise her job looking after it – without even asking if she minds!? Let him sulk and well done for standing up for yourself in the face of such idiocy.

Well done for standing your ground. His child, his problem to sort out.

Put your DC first, and keep it that way no matter what he says.

It is none of his concern what help you may have had from inlaws

Amazing update! Well done you for standing your ground.
They need to wise up and fast.
The wee baby needs proper care, they would be so much better off in a nursery

Well done, OP.

I can't believe they had a child without discussing their childcare plans. Incredibly selfish and immature.

Wow, just wow. NO WAY! Just unbelievable. I would seriously tell him to f off!

Well Done for standing your ground, and doing what is best for you and your DS. Your brother is showing his true colours now, but I don't doubt he will be back in touch to put more pressure on you when you don't go running back to him to beg forgiveness. Stay firm!
May I also ask what your parents think of the situation? DO they think that your DB and his wife are being ridiculous?

Or even better, just keep repeating "It's beyond my control" until he gets the message

Good for you OP, it's their baby and they need to make sacrifices not just dish out jobs to others and expect them to comply

I'm continuously gobsmacked by posts I read, whereby someone has a plan, usually to save themselves money, that assumes someone else will change their life, to accommodate this plan. Then get the hump because it doesn't work out as planned.

I do think that putting a child in nursery at a few weeks old is unreasonable, in fact I think a lot of nurseries won't take children under 9 months - I don't know about childminders. However this is NOT OPs problem.

Your DB's demands are unreasonable stand firm OP. 💐

With @TomatoSandwiches and others in being just utterly mind boggled that a married couple holding down 2 full time jobs can be pregnant for 8+ months and have literally no plan at all for who will look after their child once it's arrived.

You don't give any clues about income levels OP, and I know bills are tight for all - but then, this hasn't come as an utter shock since the moment of conception.

Assume your SIL is self-employed which is why she went back at 4 weeks? But she would still have been eligible for 39 weeks of statutory maternity allowance. Your DB should still be eligible for 35 weeks or so of statutory paternity pay. Or do what every other twin-income family does & get the baby booked into professional childcare.

I cannot wrap my head around the level of neglect that not arranging childcare results in. And wfh full time with a baby is not going to have an outcome other than neglect of the baby's best interests.

Not that this is in ANY WAY your problem to fix OP. You have done exactly the right thing & do stick to your guns!

Your DB & SIL need to have a proper wake up call and stop being so naive about the full time responsibilities of having a child in their lives now! I'm glad your parents are on the same page with you.

@Flakjacketon

I do think that putting a child in nursery at a few weeks old is unreasonable, in fact I think a lot of nurseries won't take children under 9 months - I don't know about childminders.

It of course varies depending on area but around here nurseries are from 6 weeks or 12 weeks. Mine started at 12 weeks.

@Leeds2 My dad thinks they're very naive and need to parent their own child.

My mum thinks they;re in the throws of a new baby and it's understandable they're wanting help. She didn't say more than that, and I asked where she expected the help to come from and she said "I don't know".

I have just had a browse of some local Nursery websites and there's a couple that start at 12 weeks and 1 day (no idea why they say 1 day?) but most start around 6 months.

Childminders here start from 6 weeks, I know because I looked at childminders for DC before settling on the preschool.

Haha not talking to you? He’ll soon come crawling back when he has ZERO help at all from you.

Stand your ground- they are massive CFs!

I can understand (slightly) his POV if he is looking at all the people helping you (4 plus him at times ) and seeing that no-one is offering much help to them.

Your parents aren't going to help it seems, and neither are they obligated to. And your child's other gps seem great, whereas his cant/wont help.

Also we often hear on MN how the daughter gets help, but the son doesn't. So from those POVs, I can see why he is a bit annoyed. Not justified, but still.

However, he does seem to be forgetting that you are a lone parent, and he has 2 f/t wages coming in, not one. And your child has a disability, his doesnt.

@DunkingMyDonuts My parents are both offering the same as they did for me, pick ups and drop offs to childminder/Nursery plus the occasional babysitting. So they're not offering anymore help to him than they provided me.

My brother only helped me 2 or 3 times a year at most pre-covid, he's not helped me at all since second lockdown.

My Ex-ILs don't really factor into it, they chose to help me out and can withdraw that help at anytime and expect me to cope, after all their loyalties lie with my their son, my ExP, and not with me.

Great update OP.
No great loss if he's not talking to you. Sounds like your dad has understood the situation even if your mum is giving them the benefit of the doubt (which they don't deserve imo).