To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Please just stop going over there and put yourself and your son first. Your B and his wife sound like selfish idiots.

I think your brother's focus on your ex-ILs help, is happening because your brother does not see you as a person equal to himself, but merely as a resource for others.

He's like: oh your ex-ILs gave you cookies, you should give me some of them because you have extra!

No, you don't have extra. Your child's other parent does not (or is not in a position to) provide the 50% of parenting that he should, and your ex-ILs help you out as much as they can, but WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY less than doing 50% of the parenting.

But in your brother's eyes, you have "extra" because you don't have the absolutely unsupported cr@p life that a single mother deserves. So you now owe him some of what you have.

You are just a resource. Not a person. A resource.

Do not put up with this. Your child needs you to be strong and not allow yourself to be used by your brother.

Do you have a update OP?

Stay strong, OP!

Their position sounds untenable

Not normal at all and definitely not your problems

Not taking mat or pat leave is unusual and so winging it is not ideal for a 4 week old

And your DB and SIL had a child because…..

I have a friend whose DSis expected her to become a nanny and look after her DC for her without even asking if the friend wanted to do this for a living. Friend was racked with guilt and feeling as though she was letting her DSis down just for wanting her own life and career choices. Your DB is definitely trying to guilt-trip you into parenting his new-born.

So they don't want to put their child into a nursery, but don't want to care for it themselves either. They want a nanny or going on their words that DC is too young for childcare (I agree with this) and actually parent it themselves taking the pay cuts etc that everyone else does. Stand firm OP and don't go over to DB's house any more so he can't abandon you with his child.

Anyone who thinks they can wfh whilst looking after a child is bonkers. You shouldn't be held responsible for their lack of planning of their childcare. They either need nanny/childminder/nursery or they need to drop their days at work. It's not your responsibility. Help out in an emergency sure, but not be relied on for regular childcare because they are too cheap/disorganised to sort it out for themselves.

Say NO you have enough on your plate, CFrs

Cheeky fuckers their child their problem!!! Simple. Don’t get railroaded into something that’s going to impact on your child having a screaming baby around will definitely affect them

Yanbu. Let them know that you need your day off to do your own jobs and hobbies and you can’t commit to regular babysitting anymore. You’re well within your right to take back your time no explanations needed x

Your own DC are your priority. You need to be there to pick them up from school.
Don't make yourself available when he ' invites you over '..ffs

Your DC comes first and then your job and what would happen if your Ex ILS are unable to pick up your DC for any reason ? Your DN is not your responsibility, they need to sort themselves out, say your job won't allow it any stand firm. CF

They are using childcare YOU. They also could be placing your own employment at risk. Your 1st responsibility is to your child. They don't seem to understand that. Tell your brother no. Several times if you have to.

They're trying to take a liberty. It would be a no from me. Why do they want you under more stress. Who's going to looking after their child if you need to take yours for surgery. It would also mean potentially upsetting your In Laws. I wouldn't be happy knowing I was looking after someone child (however much I loved them) for that parent to then go look after someone else's child. The In Laws are there to help you, not your brother. You would also need to take advantage of your boss' understanding with your situation.

Definitely show DB this thread, OP!

No. You already have a childcare plan that works for you. It is unreasonable of your brother to decide that you should replace caring for your child with caring for his.

how did they manage to get through months and months of pregnancy without thinking about childcare?

I came on to say it sounds like they didn't do their research & have found nurseries around them either have all baby spaces booked or won't take them til 6 months.

Then read your update that their working assumption is they can both work FT without any formal childcare until DN is '2 or maybe 3' 😱

Holy living-under-a-rock pregnancy batman!!!!!!

Are they both clinically insane? Have not one single friend who is a parent? Never spent more than 40 minutes with a baby under 6 months?

This is not your problem to fix, but dear lord, someone needs to mention this 'plan' of theirs to their health visitor so that child can be kept a good eye on over the next 3 years....

He either needs to take his statutory paternity leave and/or request his employer to compress hours so they can look for childcare 1-3 days a week rather than FT. Your employer and your working hours (and day off ones!) do not need to come into the mix of THEIR parenting responsibilities.

💐

Assuming your DB has worked for the same employer for over a year now, he should be able to take 35 weeks still on statutory paternity pay (which works out about £747/month).

If his loss of earnings would be higher than monthly cost of childcare & they can't afford that loss, it's pretty clear they need to crack on with finding a space to CARE for their baby.

Any mother attempting to shut the office door on a 3 month old baby to work 7.5 hours would be - rightly - roasted as delusional and neglectful. Your DB needs to sort his act out, and you are not part of his circus!

https://www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/eligibility-for-birth-parents

OP I hope you are reading this.
your responsibility is as a parent first, and you are not there for your son now and are putting your job at risk if you go along with this. You are therefore risking your ability to provide for your own child.

you must see that this goes first. Between this new baby’s parents, they’ll have to work it out. You can love your niece but as an aunt, not by putting your own parental responsibilities aside.

It's absolutely crazy that they spent all that time with the pregnancy without thinking who was going to look after the baby when it was born. You need to really back off and not do any babysitting at all because otherwise they will take massive advantage of you.

Op you need to say no, this is rediculous. SIL needs to be at home with her baby and claiming maternity pay! It's bonkers that your bro would risk his job to be looking after a baby while he is working. Your brothers childcare issues are not your responsibility at all.!

NO NO NO NO NO

Yoir ‘day off’ is your time, to clean, relax or whatever you choose to do with it!…
Not being able to pick your DC up early or when she’s poorly because he’s ‘locked’ himself in his office is disgusting behaviour! What if there was an emergency and you needed to get to school or hospital ? How will you get any of your work done? If it’s that easy to work from home and look after a baby he wouldn’t be needing your help!!
Going back to work when baby is 4 weeks old?!?! Wow!!

Put firm boundaries in now otherwise you’ll literally be left holding the baby!! 4 weeks is too young for nursery… that’s what maternity leave is for!! (Or paternity). Why on earth didn’t your bro or his DP take longer off?

Yes you had support with your children… but not from your brother or his partner I’m guessing!!! You don’t owe them a thing unless they used to have your kids all the time!!

I would just tell them that while you don’t mind occasionally baby sitting you can’t commit to a regular thing because you have commitments too… and no you can’t work from his because as he’s discovering working and minding a baby isn’t really possible!!

This!!

I’d tell your brother that your inlaws and work are good and make allowances because they know you ‘need’ help..

looking after someone else’s baby isn’t a NEED & your inlaws and work will withdraw their flexibility! Tell your brother that!!

Evennif you need to find and say you mentioned it to your boss/in laws and they laughed and said ‘no way!’ Or something similar!

Even if you need to fib and say you mentioned it to your boss/in laws and they laughed and said ‘no way!’ Or something similar!