To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks When is your next day off? Whenever it is, make sure you say no I won’t be visiting today and keep saying no. Don’t fall for ‘just an hour’ or any other excuses or promises. Don’t lie or make excuses for not visiting, but do tell your brother how upset you were to be taken advantage of last time and that you won’t be doing ANY further visits on your day off.

Did they honestly believe that they could both work full time with a newborn baby and no childcare (other than exploiting family members!) for 3 years? If so, it’s time for them to have a reality check.

You have a good relationship with your work and in-laws because you don’t take the piss. The minute you start doing that the goodwill will dry up. Your DB is an Absolute CF

You are just simply not in a position to offer this level of childcare. End off. This needs to be made clear to them. They will have to look elsewhere

No no no no and no. I am appalled that your brother thinks it is OK to continue WFH while he has a NEWBORN baby. That is neglect. There is no way on this planet that you can work while at the same time providing appropriate care for a baby. He is neglecting his child. Also, does his employer know? Because they would be furious if they found out. He thinks his baby is too young for childcare but he's happy for his baby's needs to be neglected because they are too tight to pay for childcare?

You have enough stuff going on. I would not even offer to pick their baby up from nursery. You have a disabled DC, you are run into the ground and your brother thinks it is OK to put more pressure on you. Stop going around there, call in at weekends to see your DN or in the evening when you know both parents are there so you won't be handed the baby and expected to provide free childcare.

I can't believe that you have missed your own child's pickups because your brother has left you holding his newborn and locked the door to the office!!! I would have not stopped knocking on his door if he didn't come out and if he still didn't, I would have told him you were calling Social Services.

Start practising saying no in the mirror. And also, if you have any free time at all, you need to use that time for YOURSELF, to rest up and recharge. You are more important and you need to put you and your DC first. Stop putting yourself last. Your brother is a massive CF.

The entitlement of them is unreal!

Just say you don’t want to do it. You don’t need to make up an excuse.

YANBU. You do not owe your brother anything.

If your DB and SIL do not want to put DN in childcare then they have to care for the child themselves. It's that simple.

Frankly, being looked after in a nursery or by a childminder would probably be better for the baby than being ignored as much as possible and no doubt entertained by a screen in her own home until she is 2 or 3.

OP, since you are already being invited round on your days off, and now he wants you to WFH at his house on your working days, you do realize that he has mentally lined you up for being his full-time (presumably) unpaid nanny?

Whatever requests you give in to, he will always want more. He sees it as your job to facilitate his life choices. The only thing that will work here is a flat "No". Or "No, because last time my own child wasn't picked up on time". He doesn't want to share the load, he wants to completely unburden himself, at your expense.

I have had to WFH and care for newborn babies and toddlers because I had no choice (self-employed and skint!). At the end of it, I was suicidal and self-harming. And I was doing it for my own children. Don't let yourself become tangled up in this, it will break you. And your brother will only wonder why his childcare appliance is faulty.

They need to get a nanny if they don’t want to use a nursery or childminder. It is not your problem to solve - you are not the parent

😮NO YANBU!!! They are taking the mick! They have had plenty of time to plan for childcare. There is shared parental leave so they could have taken time off between them if she ‘couldn’t’ take maternity leave for months. Absolute cheek of it especially expecting you to
do your work while juggling a baby?! The entitlement your brother seems to have is shocking (although seems like he is not communicating things well with your SIL
and he is just left holding the baby!) but it is out of order to put it on you and guilt trip
you!

OP you do not have the means or the capacity to help him. You will be risking your job if you entertain this idea. Likewise your ex-IL may feel less inclined to help if you appear to be helping your brother suggesting you have all the time in the world to pick up your own Dc. How would you manage without their help?

You will be putting a lot at risk for your brothers lack of planning and I bet he won't help a lot of your life came crashing down in the process of helping him.

This is you DBS and SILs problem to deal with like all us grown ups have to do when we decide to have a baby.

Say NO!

Please look after yourself.

Any free time should be to rest and recharge. If you get exhausted/ ill then your child loses their primary caregiver. Your exPIL sound amazing but they're older and they may not always be able to help you out with thier older age (reduction in energy / more illness).

Prioritise your child and yourself please.

You're just the aunt with already far too much on your plate (single working parent to a disabled child). It's up to them to sort out their baby. They have options but seem to selfish to use any of them: (1) They could always move closer to her parents. (2) One/both of them could work less hours or (3) use childcare. They'll have to tighten their budget/spending for a few years - like we all have to.

Personally, although I'm all for family helping out here and there, I'd be very careful of offering any regular help (however small) as they seem very selfish, manipulative and totally oblivious to yours and your child's needs. They will constantly expect more. Sending you strength :-)💐

Also...

Like other have said, you're risking your job with what they're expecting of you. It's too much for you, too much for your child, too much for your ExPILs and definatley too much for any employer however understanding.

I’m astounded that two presumably educated and intelligent people think they can have a baby and continue to work as they did before, with no childcare in place. What on earth were they thinking?!

This is one of the cheekiest things I have ever read, do not put yourself in a pickle and make others need to pick up the slack for your brother.
Whether your parents helped you out or not and whether you have ex inlaws that help is completely irrelevant!
As an SEN Mum myself even the added burden of having to start mornings earlier to collect DN and take her to places on your way to work is too much.

Please tell him you are happy to do occassional babysitting but nothing else.

IF they do not want childcare out of the house then surely they can hire an au pair or nanny?

Actions speak louder than words: DO NOT go see your dastardly brother on your day off or compromise your employer’s trust by WFH alongside your brother. Treat him as the adult he is & let him sort out his family for himself.

Actions speak louder than words: You say that you let your own child down due to a set of obligations you have imposed upon yourself. This was your choice because you could or would not do what was required of you - to say no & act in your own best interests for you & your child.

If the baby is crying & unattended, that is down to the parents. BUT where you do get this need to suffer over the notional distress of a small child?

Were I your employer who understandably extended the flexibility you requested to care for your DN, & then found out that you were also covering your brother’s childcare requirements so that he could work more favourably for another employer, I might look upon your working patterns very differently.

So have i got this right:: They are expecting your ex-inlaws to do more childcare (for your DC) so that you are 'free' to do childcare for their baby? And for two or three years?

You have every right to be furious about their expectations, and if I were your ex-inlaws, I would be equally furious. Why the hell should they be expected to take on extra duties to benefit your brother and his DP? OP, it could very easily and very quickly sour your own relationship with them.

Tell them a definite no. You don't owe your brother a thing, and you have more than enough on your plate already as a single parent to disabled child.

I honestly can't believe their unreasonable sense of entitlement!

Not a single person feels on this thread feels you should be helping your brother. I hope that gives a clear answer for you.

Can we help you construct a message to your brother to tell him no?

Although 'hell no you cheeky fucker' should suffice.

No is a complete sentence.

They are taking the piss and CF's.

I would never, ever do another favour for someone whose selfish actions made me late picking up my own child.i can't get my head around what actually happens in this scenario, do you just have to call the school and let them know you're being held hostage by babysitting duties by someone in the same house?

Your bro is jealous that you got luckier with in-laws than he did, but that's not your problem.

You have more than enough on your plate. All this "our child won't go to childcare " is bollocks, they just want a free nanny rather than one they have to pay for.

And as you say, your work has been so understanding, it would be taking the piss to start adding in children who aren't yours to the childcare equation.

Your brother is spectacularly missing the point with the argument 'baby is too young for childcare'. Of course they are, that's why a parent should be looking after them!

Of course there's rare exceptions when babies that small can't be in a parents care, but it's very unusual for anyone to choose for a child of that age to be away from the parent for any extended time (in the UK at least)

At 3 months old, there are several childcare options including nursery in many areas. My baby started nursery at 3 months.

It sounds like they are just hoping for free childcare from OP instead.

@SouthLondonMum22 sorry I was thinking about the bro expecting the help from when baby was 4 weeks. Not many actively choose to put 3 months old in full time nursery though - I know some who have had to but for specific reasons (unexpected pregnancy when self employed for example) Appreciate from your username that London pressures may be different!

4 weeks is definitely tricky. The nurseries I visited, the minimum ages were either 6 weeks or 3 months so the demand is there in my area anyway.