To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

[MommaTonda]

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

So if a woman tells her friend her husband is abusing her she should be believed without question.
If a man tells his friend that his wife is abusing him he should be questioned about his behaviour until it his clearly his fault his wife is abusive and he is probably abusing her anyway so it doesn't matter.
Never read so much shite in my life.
My advice to the husband is don't get the bloody woman pregnant!

I don’t know what you should say exactly but you should definitely say something. I always wonder about the friends of abusive wives or husbands when they don’t say anything, especially as a child is involved.

its bad enough taking it out on the husband but her child too? That’s awful, inexcusable and absurd, she is so desperate to have another child so she begins to treat the existing one poorly?

Perhaps you could in the first instance advise your husband to tell her husband to sit down and talk it through with her and outline the harm she is causing and how it’s jeopardising their future. Make sure he includes the impact on their child. The first 5 years of a child’s life is so important.

The husband is also suffering from their struggle to conceive but then he has to be the scapegoat for her as well is too much.

It sounds as if she's verbally abusing her DH. But that's just my opinion based on 3rd to 4th hand knowledge, so clearly not reliable.

You could (gently) suggest therapy (for her, not couple's therapy).

Your DH may tell his friend that abuse is never okay. Therapy might be helpful his friend as well.

Your husband can help by telling him to ltb and to apply for primary residency of the child.

He’s in an abusive relationship, and the child is being abused as well. There is no justification for this kind of behaviour. None. And to be blunt, if that’s the kind of person she is then it’s a good thing that she’s not able to have any more children.

Abusers don’t change. She’s not abusive because she’s struggling, she’s abusive because she’s an abuser.

if this was a man there is not a single poster who would be sympathising here. Secondary infertility is irrelevant. And yes. I and many others have been there, and we’re not abusive cunts because of it.

Has her husband sat down with her and told her how he's feeling about her treatment of him and their child and told her that he cannot continue like this?

“Me and my dh have been ttc for a while now but haven’t been successful. I’ve been told that due to my age IVF is unlikely to work. Thing is, my dh is taking it really badly, and every month when I get a negative result he flies into a rage. Throws his food on the floor, smashes things, calls me names and says it’s all my fault. He shouts at our 3 YO as well and never plays with him any more.”

How do you think the response to that one would go. I imagine something along the line of “definitely do not have another baby with this arsehole. Get yourself and your child out of this abusive relationship ASAP.”

Some of these responses are appalling.

A man tells his friend he's being abused - and all the responses are either disbelieving him completely or saying he must have done something to deserve it. A couple of people have even said they wouldn't believe it as they haven't witnessed it themselves

Honestly - OP, this man needs to leave before the violence escalates even further. And he should take his DD with him - leaving her with an abusive parent would be extremely negligent.

Secondary infertility can be heartbreaking but it’s not an excuse for shouting at your partner and throwing things. That’s being abusive.

I agree. I have been through primary infertility and I wouldn’t dream of treating my husband like that.

Exactly.

I think you need to encourage her husband to talk to the GP. If you can convince your friend to attend and discuss what’s going on then this would be helpful. Her behaviour isn’t acceptable and if she genuinely has no control over this then she needs a mental health assessment. If it’s purely just poor coping mechanisms and stress, then she needs to address this through counselling.

You really need to stay out of their marriage and not roll in and give her behavioural advice. I’d end the friendship if any of my friends deemed to do that. You can ask her how she’s coping etc but that’s it.

you sound like you’re enjoying the drama and want to get all up in their marriage. Her husband isn’t phoning you. Back the hell off.

Of course she can bloody well help it, this place is insane sometimes.

She’s abusing her husband and her very young vulnerable child. There’s no excuse or justification for that, she’s behaving appallingly.

There’s no way this man should be encouraged to go to counselling with his abuser. None of you would suggest that if he was treating her so badly.

Your husband should tell him to protect their child and himself and tell her to leave. Now. A 3 year old is living in a toxic abusive home and the minimising of that and the suggestions her husband is in anyway asking for it are disgusting.

She’s a terrible wife, mother and person.

He needs to do what women are always told to on here and divorce her.

You should say absolutely nothing at all.

It’s absolutely none of your business and you won’t be thanked for meddling.

If you have serious concerns about the child, report them and encourage the husband to leave.

If the man was abusing his wife, would you send your husband round to get involved and try and help?

Wow so if its a woman being abused its leave you cant stay with a man like thgat

if its a man oh its ok shes allowed shes stressed-

fuck me

She sounds depressed and needs help from her GP. I don’t think there’s anything any of you can ‘do’ and im not sure what you think you could do.. but she needs help. Can you find her some support without coming across as patronising? Would she see her gp? She likely would benefit from some counselling imo and maybe some other help too. I expect it’s not her real personality but her MH a anxiety that’s talking. How difficult. Hope you can help. Maybe her husband could seek some help aswell some support for himself. That’s hard for him aswell. X

I’d be very careful here.

Everything you describe could be abuse or reactive abuse from your DH’s friend’s wife.

What is her support network like?

You, your DH, and her DH are 3 people who haven’t experienced infertility. 2 of you haven’t experienced birth. The whole tone of your post shows 1st loyalty to her DH.

Not saying she isn’t being abusive or a ‘bad wife’ btw.

Your friend is obviously really struggling with her infertility and needs help, but it should come from her H.

So her H needs to tell her that he loves her very much and wants to support her but her behaviour is actually abusive and getting worse and making everyone unhappy. She must stop as he will not put up with it anymore. She needs to be shocked into realising she will lose her marriage if she carry’s on!

Get him to suggest she talks to her Dr/IVF clinic for help and support.

If she's throwing plates now, what do you imagine she's going to do when she finds out her husband has been talking about her to other people? I don't think you can say anything to her. You can support him and encourage him to get her help, but I don't think there is anything you can do that won't make things worse.

Really? You don't feel sorry for the man being abused? Do you also lack empathy to female victims of abuse or is it just male victims you don't give a shit about?

If every month she failed to get pregnant her husband threw plates, screamed and haouted would you tell her to go away, you don't want to hear it, that's just her side of it, you refuse to feed into her narrative and it's probably her at fault?

OP, the most constructive thing that you can go is to be a supportive listener.
These are obviously intelligent people.. They probably are as aware as you about counseling services. There physicians have probably tell them about side effects of any medications that she may be taking.

As a friend, you need to realize that this is not a problem that you can fix.

Op I'd approach it from being her friend. You can see she's struggling. You can see things are hard with DS. you can ask her how things are and how things are with her psrtner. In real life people have these conversations. Only on MN do people cover their ears and refuse to ever talk about life.

This. 100%. Apologists on this thread should be ashamed of yourselves. It's not OK to be an abuser because you are female and having a hard time FFS.