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Original poster

To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

300 replies

MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:21

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

OP posts:
Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 15:01

Nordicrain · 16/05/2023 14:53

Throwing plates at people isn't ok, even if he was being a bit of a dick.

Show quote history

How do you know he didn’t swear or throw a plate?

Answer: you don’t know - none of us do.

AnonKat · 16/05/2023 15:02

Wow some of the responses on this thread!

Because the woman is being abusive then the abused man has done something to deserve it.

Violence and abuse shouldnt be acceptable no matter the sex.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 16/05/2023 15:03

If their marriage breaks down and I know I could have done something to help I'd never forgive myself

You have a false sense of control.
The success of their marriage is not within your control. You have a tiny amount of influence which you can use to encourage them to get couples counselling but that's it. You are going to push her away if you confront her like you have suggested.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 16/05/2023 15:04

Nope. Sorry but it would be a very bad idea to get involved. The temper tantrums she is throwing could be due to hormones she might be taking too...the husband needs to talk to her and agree how to move forward. Friends can only be there for support but can't really meddle.

AnonKat · 16/05/2023 15:04

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 14:59

I would ask why such extreme behaviour? I wouldn’t automatically assume anyone was at fault. It shouldn’t be about blame. Clearly they are struggling. You have only heard his side, there are always two sides to every story. I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions.

Show quote history

Would you say that to a female friend if she came to you? Sorry can't help you unless I see him hit your first.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/05/2023 15:05

Coldilox · 16/05/2023 14:31

If he was getting angry and shouting at her and throwing her dinner on the floor and blaming her for everything, you would tell her he is an abusive arsehole and she should leave him.

Maybe that’s what her husband needs to hear.

This was my thought.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 16/05/2023 15:06

She is not an awful wife. She is a bully and an abuser. The best advice your husband can give to her husband is to stop trying for another baby.

Having said that… I doubt he can relax enough to get her pregnant when he is under such pressure enduring abusive behaviour.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 15:06

I am staggered at your title calling your friend an awful wife. I am staggered that everyone immediately accepts what they are told without finding out her version of events before condemning her to divorce and social services!

It may not have happened in the way the dh has said at all. Maybe she dropped the plate, swore and said it’s the final straw she has had enough? The translation through the retelling is that she ‘threw’ the plate, was swearing and shouting. The two are very different but the facts are the same; the plate is on the floor, swearing.

You can not and should not do anything unless you have the facts, and if the dh needs more support there are charities that can help him, counselling and support.

JenniferBarkley · 16/05/2023 15:08

If it were my friend, I'd tell her I was worried about her, and that she needs to speak to her GP about her mental health because I didn't realise the person she has become.

You placing blame on her (no matter how you feel) will help no one and achieve nothing.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 16/05/2023 15:09

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 15:06

I am staggered at your title calling your friend an awful wife. I am staggered that everyone immediately accepts what they are told without finding out her version of events before condemning her to divorce and social services!

It may not have happened in the way the dh has said at all. Maybe she dropped the plate, swore and said it’s the final straw she has had enough? The translation through the retelling is that she ‘threw’ the plate, was swearing and shouting. The two are very different but the facts are the same; the plate is on the floor, swearing.

You can not and should not do anything unless you have the facts, and if the dh needs more support there are charities that can help him, counselling and support.

There is a big difference between swearing and swearing at each other. If she is swearing at him, there’s no need for plates to be broken for her to be abusive, it is all about intimidation.

Whether he is lying or not, their relationship is not good to survive the pressure another child will bring.

Isitsixoclockalready · 16/05/2023 15:10

It is a tricky situation but it's hard not to raise eyebrows when people are creating alternative narratives. If this was the other way around, no way would people be questioning it or suggesting that the wife might also be at fault.

Isitsixoclockalready · 16/05/2023 15:10

It is a tricky situation but it's hard not to raise eyebrows when people are creating alternative narratives. If this was the other way around, no way would people be questioning it or suggesting that the wife might also be at fault.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 15:10

AnonKat · 16/05/2023 15:04

Would you say that to a female friend if she came to you? Sorry can't help you unless I see him hit your first.

Show quote history

Op is supposed to be a friend to this woman how is it helpful labelling her awful without even knowing the full story?

You are also conveniently missing the point that op has not been told this at all, she is hearing it all second hand via her dh. There is such a thing as Chinese whispers and what starts off as one thing becomes something entirely different very quickly.

I am not saying it Isn’t happening, I am pointing out the information could be embellished and changed and not reflective of the facts.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 15:12

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 16/05/2023 15:09

There is a big difference between swearing and swearing at each other. If she is swearing at him, there’s no need for plates to be broken for her to be abusive, it is all about intimidation.

Whether he is lying or not, their relationship is not good to survive the pressure another child will bring.

Show quote history

How do you know he wasn’t swearing at her?

kingtamponthefurred · 16/05/2023 15:12

Your friend is batshit. I'd step away from that mess if I were you.

monsteramunch · 16/05/2023 15:12

Mariposista · 16/05/2023 14:57

The only one I feel really sorry of here is that poor little girl.

That's an unusual reaction.

I feel sorry for both adults that they are suffering when it comes to fertility.

I feel very, very sorry also for the husband who is on the receiving end of abusive behaviour. I'm not sure why you have no sympathy for him?

Wenfy · 16/05/2023 15:13

IVF causes hormonal changes similar to menopause. She and her husband need to talk about this with their consultant not you & you need to be firm about setting boundaries.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/05/2023 15:14

MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:25

Ahh thank you but I have to. If their marriage breaks down and I know I could have done something to help I'd never forgive myself.

Id stay out of it.... You won't be able to single handedly save anyone... It's impossible!

They need to get couples counselling...

Mummy08m · 16/05/2023 15:14

I think if you intervene, be prepared that will be the end of your friendship.

If you think, on the balance of probabilities, that your friend's DC is really at risk of harm from her violent outbursts, then you have a moral duty to intervene in some way to safeguard the child.

If you think, on the other hand, her DH (or your DH) might be exaggerating, via Chinese whispers, and at the end of the day your friend is getting emotional but not actually harming her family, then I would do nothing. You are unlikely to do any good and may well do harm, certainly to the friendship.

It took me a long time to conceive DD so i understand the sort of desperation for a child. The yearning to be a mother. I felt I wanted another one day but the desperation had gone and I was prepared posdibly never to conceive again. I can't empathise with the distress of secondary infertility, it doesn't make sense to me - why can't she appreciate the lovely child she has already, why is she not enough? She is already a mother. So I must admit, I'd have limited sympathy if she were my friend.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 15:15

If ops friend’s dh had come to her for help and told her these things, and asked for help, granted she should be recommending he gets proper support and explores options, but he hasn’t!!!

This is all second hand information and liable to be factually incorrect. You can’t just assume he is right and she is wrong just because your dh said so!!
fgs

Clemopesea · 16/05/2023 15:15

They need to get couples counselling

Couples counselling is not recommended when one party is abusive.

redtomatoes · 16/05/2023 15:15

The poster @Undertherock already gave great advice.

I’ll also give you a perspective from an angry mum/wife. I read your post and felt so sad for your friend because I think I get her. This doesn’t excuse the behaviour but I understand what it’s like to have something effect you so badly that you become an angrier version of yourself, and you take it out on the ones you love. Because they’re there - sadly a loving husband and a child, or children, are the ones who are there. I was diagnosed with bowel cancer during my pregnancy with my now almost-2-year-old, and you can imagine the difficulty of the whole period of pregnancy and scans and postpartum cancer treatment and surgery recovery etc, with surgeries happening when my baby was between 5 weeks and 4 months old… during which my amazing husband and I cried together because we didn’t know if I would have our baby and then die. I can’t express how hard this period was but actually the WORST period was afterwards… when I was fully healed physically but completely broken psychologically and didn’t know it. I know it’s a different situation to your friend’s but I think she has a type of physical trauma in her attempts to get pregnant and that links to her psychological health - any psychologists here, please feel free to contradict me, as this is in NO WAY a clinical viewpoint. But I ended up doing the same thing as your friend and got very angry and I took it out on my husband, and have certainly been a lot more angry towards my child than I ever would have wanted. When I say angry, I mean easily and quickly moody, and impatient, and sometimes shouting - never anything physically abusive but I’ve certainly been much more over-reactive and annoyed than my practical mind tells me to be, and then the guilt sets in and makes you feel worse.

For me I know it’s an anger / mood problem as a result of my experiences and I’m getting help for it now. I feel so much for your friend’s husband because my also loving and supportive husband has absolutely got it in the neck from me post-treatment. He didn’t deserve it, of course, but I really didn’t know what I was doing before it became damaging. I don’t know how much your friends talk but I feel that they should definitely seek counselling, be it together or separately or both, and I’m sure there are professionals who specialise in conception struggles, baby loss, and other related issues.

I really don’t know if this is helpful and actually I feel ashamed discussing how I have recently treated my family, particularly my husband. But from experience, your friend may not even see what she is doing. It can definitely get better for all of them no matter what happens with the attempt at pregnancy.

Love to you all x

WallaceinAnderland · 16/05/2023 15:16

The husband is the one that needs help.

My advice to him would be to tell his wife that the attempts to get pregnant are causing serious damage to their relationship so they should stop. Take it off the table for now and have counselling. Separately first, then together.

If they decide to resume TTC, they need an agreed plan with suitable level of support in place for dealing with more disappointment.

Mummy08m · 16/05/2023 15:16

Wenfy · 16/05/2023 15:13

IVF causes hormonal changes similar to menopause. She and her husband need to talk about this with their consultant not you & you need to be firm about setting boundaries.

I don't think the friend has started IVF yet (although I agree her moods could get even worse if they do)

redtomatoes · 16/05/2023 15:19

I forgot to say that my viewpoint is based on whether your understanding of the situation is true - as others have said, you may not have the whole context xx