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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

300 replies

MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:21

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

OP posts:
Poopoolittlekitten · 16/05/2023 14:44

‘Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help’

You’re hearing one side of the story, if SHE ask YOU for support or advice, then give it. Their relationship is theirs to sort out.

RedRobyn2021 · 16/05/2023 14:45

Personally I would stay out of it. It is for her DH to sort out with his DW unless she confides in you and asks for your opinion/input/advice. You don't know the ins and outs of everything, only his side of the story. It's very much between them.

Mum1976Mum · 16/05/2023 14:46

I honestly went insane with grief when I had infertility and recurrent miscarriage. I treated everyone I knew, including my husband terribly. There are things I did which I could never admit to anyone. I had counselling but this only helped so much and nothing solved the issue until I had a baby. Try to be there for her. She can’t help it.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 14:46

I am urging extreme caution you only know one side of the story op.

Nordicrain · 16/05/2023 14:47

Well she's clearly REALLY struggling and needs support and help.

But I am not sure that if it was the other way around - and it was a man being both verbally and physially agressive to his wife over their (joint) infertitility - that people would be quite so understanding.

I actually think that should find a kind and gentle way to tell her that her behaviour is not ok and she needs to seek help for it.

SummerInSun · 16/05/2023 14:47

I'm also in the camp of talk to her, but only about things you've witnessed yourself, not things her husband has said to your husband. You don't really know what's happened in this exchanges and it will make their marriage worse if she things her DH is badmouthing her to your DH and you.

I'd approach it in as supportive a way as possible "I can see how how unhappy you are, I completely understand why, it seems to be impacting the your DS and DH too which knowing how much you care about them I know you don't want. Fertility issues are so difficult - why not go and see a counsellor, either alone or with your DH?" Coming to terms with not being a Le to have a child you want is a form of bereavement and really can benefit from professional help.

HoppingPavlova · 16/05/2023 14:48

She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old

I don’t think you should get involved whatsoever, up to them to sort out/through if they can.

I am perplexed that you have chosen to concentrate and focus on the treatment of the DH, a grown man, but the addition of poor behaviour involving a child of vulnerable age was an afterthought and not a focus for concern……….

CelestiaNoctis · 16/05/2023 14:50

So your friend is an abuser who's abusing her family. I personally think it sounds like it would be best for the relationship to the break down and for the dad and child to find someone better. I understand fertility issues and that pain but your existing family are there regardless of what happens. Awful. I'd find it very hard to stay being their friend in this situation.

Greentree1 · 16/05/2023 14:50

Is it hormonal if she's doing IVF or other fertility treatment, or peri-menopausal if you say her chances are low because of age. Could you tactfully suggest getting checked out (and duck rapidly).

Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:51

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 14:44

I think you and your husband both need to back off and get out of their marriage. Her dh shouldn’t be sharing all this with you he should be talking to his wife so they support each other not identifying her as the problem that needs fixing. Wake up and stop feeding into this narrative.

I disagree. If this was happening to me I'd be talking to my friends about it. Which is what he's doing. That's what friends are for!

OP posts:
Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 14:51

You don’t know what her dh has said and done to cause the reaction. You don’t know that he is just the innocent bystander in this - that is what the dh is telling your dh, of course because he is unlikely to admit his own failings. You can not take second hand biased information and assume anyone is abusing anyone. You were not there.

You could make things even worse.
dh should recommend counselling and extra support for both of them.

Stay out of it op unless she talks to you

Nordicrain · 16/05/2023 14:53

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 14:51

You don’t know what her dh has said and done to cause the reaction. You don’t know that he is just the innocent bystander in this - that is what the dh is telling your dh, of course because he is unlikely to admit his own failings. You can not take second hand biased information and assume anyone is abusing anyone. You were not there.

You could make things even worse.
dh should recommend counselling and extra support for both of them.

Stay out of it op unless she talks to you

Throwing plates at people isn't ok, even if he was being a bit of a dick.

SorryForTheRant · 16/05/2023 14:54

@Blossombathing so if I told a friend my husband was screaming at me and throwing plates would you expect my friend to say "well yes but what did you do to cause that reaction?"

Snoken · 16/05/2023 14:55

God, she sounds awful. I don't know why you want to encourage her to stay in her marriage when she is so abusive to both her husband and her child. I would support the husband, but I would not actively try and do anything to save their marriage. Not conceiving doesn't give anyone a free pass to treat others so horribly every month, and the fact that she is taking it out on her child too makes me think she probably shouldn't live with the child full time.

She does need therapy though to help but things into perspective because at the moment she is harming the two people who loves her. What if she wants a third child after, is she going to continue treating her children this way until she has the family unit she has imagined?

Mariposista · 16/05/2023 14:57

The only one I feel really sorry of here is that poor little girl.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 16/05/2023 14:58

The shouting, swearing, throwing things and blaming her husband is abusive behaviour, whatever she’s feeling (and I have massive sympathy for her heartbreak). For that reason, couples counselling isn’t appropriate for now, but maybe they need to have separate counselling.

I wouldn’t be acting a messenger for her husband though- “we’ve all been discussing you and what an awful wife you are” is a surefire to end the friendship and not help at all- she’s hardly going to address her behaviour and the feelings behind it based on that.

Thelnebriati · 16/05/2023 14:58

Why don't you phone the NSPCC and talk to them? The child needs help now and none of the adults seem to be able to deal with their problems.

You can't fix this, they should both go for therapy separately until she has sorted out her anger issues. She needs an urgent intervention as her behaviour will be affecting her child, who should be everyone's priority.

ShimmeringShirts · 16/05/2023 14:58

I’m all honesty I’d be ditching the friend and supporting her husband to leave with their child. She sounds abusive and unstable, definitely shouldn’t be trying to get pregnant nor left in charge of a 3 year old.

ShimmeringShirts · 16/05/2023 14:58

*in all honesty

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 14:59

SorryForTheRant · 16/05/2023 14:54

@Blossombathing so if I told a friend my husband was screaming at me and throwing plates would you expect my friend to say "well yes but what did you do to cause that reaction?"

I would ask why such extreme behaviour? I wouldn’t automatically assume anyone was at fault. It shouldn’t be about blame. Clearly they are struggling. You have only heard his side, there are always two sides to every story. I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions.

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2023 15:00

Have you SEEN any of this behaviour towards the husband, @MommaTonda?

You appear to have bad (though not perhaps outrightly abusive) behaviour towards the 3 yo. What about the husband?

Mrsjayy · 16/05/2023 15:01

Well she is abusing her husband isn't she? Of course she is going through a lot but imagine if it was the husband raging every month ! Ask her what's going on ? Don't mention anything about her husband leaving or whatever ask.her what's happening to her and does she think she needs to get help.

MaybeWednesday · 16/05/2023 15:01

I have no advice OP, but am shocked at some of the responses. If this was a woman asking for advice about an abusive husband it would certainly be a different thread.

I know she's your friend OP but she is close to losing everything. Have you seen her negligent behaviour to her poor wee 3 year old?

FernGully43 · 16/05/2023 15:01

Coldilox · 16/05/2023 14:31

If he was getting angry and shouting at her and throwing her dinner on the floor and blaming her for everything, you would tell her he is an abusive arsehole and she should leave him.

Maybe that’s what her husband needs to hear.

Exactly. All these responses saying don't get involved/ what are you supposed to do 🙄

She's been abusive towards her husband and horrid to their child.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/05/2023 15:01

UCquestions · 16/05/2023 14:24

Her dh should speak to their gp or arrange couples counselling

This.
You are not qualified to help them and her problems sound bigger than ordinary friendship could heal.
You and your DH have been supportive friends but this is too big for you. She needs professional help.