To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

[MommaTonda]

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

I'm disgusted that people are trying to excuse her behaviour.

FFS, don’t take your shit out on abused women, they aren’t to blame.

Tell the husband to reach out for support
https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

She’s not as vulnerable as her 3 year old who’s beating the brunt of her anger she can’t have another child. They’re the victim here, as is her husband. She’s not.

What are you on about? I clearly said that it wouldn’t be ok to do that.

But it’s seemingly ok to pull the “you don’t know the whole story, maybe he started it” crap because he’s a man.

She’s an abuser. Frankly I’m glad she can’t have another baby. She shouldn’t have another baby, and no self respecting man should want to have another baby with this horrible woman.

Vulnerable and emotional my arse. And if she’s only got a three year old it’s not likely secondary infertility is it as opposed to the fact that according to the OP, because of her age she’s unlikely to conceive.

People need to stop apologising for this woman. Stop talking about how heartbreaking it is for her and how we must all be understanding and how dare the husband confide in his friends..

He needs to leave, and he needs to take the child with him.

Abusers don’t change. We read that on here all the time.

I am aghast that some pp can not understand the difference between first hand factual account and third hand information, and the gap of reliability and credibility between the two.

I hope none of you are called for Jury service.

Op, offer to go for a coffee and tell you are worried and are there if she needs you. signpost yo counselling and support.

Your dh should do the same signpost to counselling and men’s advice line.

Stay open and neutral

If it was man screaming and smashing plates, would you be saying he was vulnerable with mental health issues?

I wouldn't be mentioning any of this to my friend, but would be encouraging her DH to pick up the 3 year old and leave the next time she has a tantrum like this, or mistreats the child she already has. This may be enough to bring her to her senses or at least get her to a doctor or counsellor. It is then likely that she will turn to you and ASK for advice, rather than feeling that you are interfering if you tell her you've all been talking about what's been going on behind her back.

Don’t get involved. Her husband needs to speak with her not you. It’s absolutely not your place

What worries me slightly is that you write she is being short-tempered with her 3-year-old child.

I would say something along the lines of "maybe reverse psychology will work, you are maybe trying TOO hard, and you need to do the opposite, who knows...?!?" Counselling is a good idea. It could be some form of religious leader, as they tend to be good at that sort of thing, independent of religion.

Your friend is clearly struggling terribly here, and the behaviour as described isn't OK at all, but is she likely to react well to learning that you and your husband have been hearing all about it?

I'm pretty sure nobody would say "We don't know what she did to cause the reaction" which some numbnut on here has said pretty much word for word.

This

Your DH is friends with her DH.

For me this isn’t about whether she’s abusive or not. You just don’t sound like a true friend of hers.

Exactly - some of these comments are so disgusting.

Havent read the full thread but won’t the IVF clinic have a counsellor attached. That’s surely the first port of call and would be easily arrangable?

I would only talk to her about things you have witnessed or she has told you about, not what her DH has told your DH. That could make her feel very betrayed and pull away from you altogether, or potentially turn more nasty toward her husband!

You're right. I didn't mean that. It was just an AIBU thread title.

She sounds like she's not coping, not that she's a bad wife. There could be any number of reasons for this. One could even be menopause or hormone related. The only person who can help really is her husband and doctor. The best you can do is ask her if she's ok, listen if she tells you she is not, encourage her to go to GP as first port of call and if she's not keen you could gently let her know that the potential impact on her child and husband if she doesn't get some help. I think as a good friend you do need to step in, as she may be more likely to listen to you than her husband, but she needs help not to be accused of being 'bad'.

That's a great idea. Thank you to the others that mentioned the same.

why are you so involved with their fertility journey?

Thank you to all of these replies. Just to answer some of your questions:
Yes I have witnessed her calling her husband names. She swore at him because she massively overreacted to silly things (he knocked her cup of tea over etc).
No I haven't witnessed any plate throwing myself.
She has a lovely relationship with her 3 year old and I know she would never hurt him. It is only what I said - she's not playing with him like she used to (dad still is, everyone else plays with him, only mum isn't as engaged as she used to be). He's playing up a little to her which seems to annoy her more and she doesn't have the patience with him that she used to have. He's a happy boy and is well looked after.
Thank you for all the ideas. I will suggest counselling to her. I think if she can learn how to deal with the stress this situation is putting her in, things will improve. I've also suggested that she talks to her husband as openly as possible.

Thanks again, some really great replies on here

Why are you asking then? Clearly you have decided. To me you sound very judgemental and insensitive to your friend. That is the last thing she needs when she is going through one of the hardest things a woman can experience. You have only heard one side of the story, and what is happening in their marriage can only be resolved by the two of them. If you push forward you are likely to lose a friend

I believe they are sitting down tonight to talk things through in detail!

I can only go on the info in your post here.
It sounds like your friend has had a real deterioration in her mental health. Potentially to the point where she is unsafe both to herself and others when she lashes out and loses control. I know infertility is a profound, terrible loss but she is acting out in abusive, unsafe ways around her dh and child.
I think it's okay to support her dh as a friend but i'm afraid you can't take the steps for him.
She sounds like she is too unwell to be going through Ivf right now. her husband needs to have a come to Jesus talk with her and tell her she urgently needs to seek psychiatric help or he doesn't feel safe being around her, or having their kid there. She needs some kind of medical intervention. If h actually puts that into words as an ultimatum, she might realize how serious her behaviour is and get help.