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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

300 replies

MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:21

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

OP posts:
UCquestions · 16/05/2023 14:23

Don’t get involved would be my advice

UCquestions · 16/05/2023 14:24

Her dh should speak to their gp or arrange couples counselling

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 16/05/2023 14:24

Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

What does he think you can do?

Help him by encouraging him and his wife to go for couples counselling.
Support her as you are doing now. Anythin else will be recieved badly and in a critical way.

Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:25

Ahh thank you but I have to. If their marriage breaks down and I know I could have done something to help I'd never forgive myself.

OP posts:
crispycrisps · 16/05/2023 14:26

Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help. what does he want you to do? He's going to have to suggest counselling or leave.

ThatFraggle · 16/05/2023 14:26

UCquestions · 16/05/2023 14:23

Don’t get involved would be my advice

That doesn't help the unreasonable friend.

crispycrisps · 16/05/2023 14:27

MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:25

Ahh thank you but I have to. If their marriage breaks down and I know I could have done something to help I'd never forgive myself.

You can't. There's nothing you can do.

Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:27

Couples counselling is a good shout thanks. I'll see if I can encourage they try.

OP posts:
lakesummer · 16/05/2023 14:27

You are her friend not her marriage guidance counselor.
You could gently suggest that she talks to someone but you can't inset yourself into her relationships against her wishes.

Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:29

lakesummer · 16/05/2023 14:27

You are her friend not her marriage guidance counselor.
You could gently suggest that she talks to someone but you can't inset yourself into her relationships against her wishes.

I know but when her husband is ringing mine in floods of tears it's hard not to try to do more to help. They were rock solid before they started trying for a baby :(

OP posts:
Undertherock · 16/05/2023 14:29

You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way

Don’t say this.

If you decide to talk to her write out everything before hand so you can get stuff like this out of your head first.

But honestly, I don’t think this should be your role here. Be her friend first and last, and not her husband’s messenger. Even admitting how much talk is going on behind her will damage your relationship.

She’s suffering here, and needs as much help and support as possible. You can (if you want to, if it’s right for you) give her some in the way you have been. That’s probably more valuable than you know.

Coldilox · 16/05/2023 14:31

If he was getting angry and shouting at her and throwing her dinner on the floor and blaming her for everything, you would tell her he is an abusive arsehole and she should leave him.

Maybe that’s what her husband needs to hear.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 16/05/2023 14:31

Have you seen her screaming at her 3 year old? Pp seem to ignore this point.

A gentle talk that her attitude towards the child could get her in trouble and maybe she, not as a couple, just her, needs to see a doctor for help as she's clearly not coping mentally.

You're her friend and speaking to her as a friend

Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:32

Undertherock · 16/05/2023 14:29

You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way

Don’t say this.

If you decide to talk to her write out everything before hand so you can get stuff like this out of your head first.

But honestly, I don’t think this should be your role here. Be her friend first and last, and not her husband’s messenger. Even admitting how much talk is going on behind her will damage your relationship.

She’s suffering here, and needs as much help and support as possible. You can (if you want to, if it’s right for you) give her some in the way you have been. That’s probably more valuable than you know.

Thank you. This is exactly the type of advice I was hoping for. You're right saying I need to be her friend more than a messenger for her husband.

OP posts:
Daffodilmorning · 16/05/2023 14:35

Honestly, I’d be suggesting to my husband that he tells his friend to give her an ultimatum: get counselling now or leave.

Secondary infertility can be heartbreaking but it’s not an excuse for shouting at your partner and throwing things. That’s being abusive.

Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:35

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 16/05/2023 14:31

Have you seen her screaming at her 3 year old? Pp seem to ignore this point.

A gentle talk that her attitude towards the child could get her in trouble and maybe she, not as a couple, just her, needs to see a doctor for help as she's clearly not coping mentally.

You're her friend and speaking to her as a friend

She has shouted at him yes. And she isn't playing with him like she used to. I'm no expert but he appears to be playing up for attention at the moment which is making things even harder for her :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:37

Daffodilmorning · 16/05/2023 14:35

Honestly, I’d be suggesting to my husband that he tells his friend to give her an ultimatum: get counselling now or leave.

Secondary infertility can be heartbreaking but it’s not an excuse for shouting at your partner and throwing things. That’s being abusive.

Yes it's bad and it's getting worse. Also, it's something her husband is struggling with because it's what his dad used to do when he was growing up (throwing plates across the room).

OP posts:
Unbridezilla · 16/05/2023 14:38

How do you react when she tells you about her rages/ throwing things?

I'd probably struggle to stay quiet and would tell her that her behaviour is shocking. And, as a friend, I was worried that this isn't the person I recognise.

HadEnough2023 · 16/05/2023 14:39

I would tell her that her behaviour is abusive and quite frankly disgusting and if she carries on she'll loose her husband.
We all have blips and downers but doesn't give her an excuse to behave like an abusive monster.

monsteramunch · 16/05/2023 14:41

She's abusing her partner. I would be telling her that she needs to seek professional help like therapy in order to stop abusing him.

If she isn't willing to do that then I'm not sure what else will make any difference but I couldn't personally just not mention that she's abusing him.

That poor man, it sounds horrific.

How does she describe her behaviour? Does she just blame him when she speaks to you or is she ashamed of what she does when she throws things etc?

Daffodilmorning · 16/05/2023 14:41

Oh god, I missed that she was taking it out on her child too. Yes, in that case I’d say something. You might lose a friend but it’s worth it if she sees that her behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 14:42

Honestly op why are you getting so involved?

it’s hearsay. You don’t know it’s true. She may shouted once or lost it and thrown a plate. She might be tired, in pain or her dh may not be as nice as you seen to think he is. If he Is being triggered by her natural anger and disappointment this might be something he needs to work on?

IVF is invasive and painful and she is allowed to be sad.

They both need counselling separately and eventually together. I would stop painting her as the one with the issue here, you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. Remain supportive and neutral.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 14:44

Another one saying this is abuse. It took me 18 months to get pregnant and not once did I throw anything or scream at my DH.

I don't think any sort of gentle approach is going to work. Firm but fair - tell her he doesn't have to take this and to stop it or she might lose half the time with her existing child through shared custody.

RebeccaCloud9 · 16/05/2023 14:44

Just swear on Mumsnet, otherwise half your post turns italic 😂

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 14:44

I think you and your husband both need to back off and get out of their marriage. Her dh shouldn’t be sharing all this with you he should be talking to his wife so they support each other not identifying her as the problem that needs fixing. Wake up and stop feeding into this narrative.