To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

[MommaTonda]

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

As others have said, this is also one side of the story. Honestly, I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy - its unlike anything I've experienced. You're not yourself, she's not herself. I was practically suicidal. My relationship with my husband suffered, my relationship with my friends too and we have gradually built it up again and I've apologised for past behaviour and tried to make amends. She needs help and support and as much patience and understanding as possible, not judgement. She won't get anywhere positive with negative attitudes from friends and family, I promise you. She needs to know people are behind her.

Some of these anwers are completely batshit. Is her husband not going through the hell of infertility too? It must be horrific but it absolutely does not excuse abuse.

Dear Lord this is nuts.

If you see infertility as just "being sad", then - with the respect due to a comment like this - you have no idea the trauma some women go through trying to have a child.

only been trying for two years. Wow. Honestly, you have no idea how hard this hits some women. You'll get nowhere telling her she's abusive, you'll further isolate and destabilise her, making everything worse for her AND her husband and child. Comments like this cause so much damage. I hope she never reads anything like this and that your own friends never go through anything like this. The lack of empathy is disturbing. They BOTH need love and support.

Now this is good advice. Productive and not judgemental and not surprisingly from someone who has actually struggled with this too.

Did she tell you she does this?

Bofuckingho

Nothing and I mean absolutly nothing gives her the right to abuse her husband and worse still her child!

She either gets over it or she shouldn't be parenting that child full stop.

This thread is utterly batshit. Everyone is screaming abuse based on third hand information (friend husband - op husband - op). the only specific allegations being some food thrown on the floor and shouting / sometimes getting angry with her partner. (Oh and not playing with her toddler enough, terrible woman she is!). Not saying getting angry and throwing food on the floor is ok- clearly this poor woman is unwell- infertility being one of the most painful things a woman can suffer - but it’s hardly unusual behaviour in a relationship, let alone criminal. As for the stuff about her being an unfit mother- I am disgusted and appalled. I think the title of the thread just drew out all the raging misogyny.

OP have you seen the comments on this thread? is this how you want to be representing your friend?

@Blossombathing @Tandora just come right out and say DV only works one way. Your comments are disgusting and would not hold up if the sexes were reversed. A friend tells me her female friend is being abused by her husband but I should ask "what did she do to deserve this" on the basis it's third hand information?

No one should live in fear of their partner, and if they are reaching out to friends for help to deal with that situation then they deserve to be listened to.

"Bofuckingho". I can't believe that's a genuine response to someone's trauma. Telling someone to just "get over it" is INSANE and it's clear you have no understanding of mental health. I hope you don't treat your own friends and family like this.

This 1000%. I am disgusted at people's comments too. I think it shows the dangers of MN, that people are seeking/getting advice from people with a pathological lack of empathy.

A friend tells me her female friend is being abused by her husband but I should ask "what did she do to deserve this"
this has nothing to do with the OP or my comments.

your comments are batshit and a bizarre projection; the only explanation being that they are fuelled by a deep seated misogyny.

It’s so sad she is chasing motherhood but neglecting the child she has. Childhood goes past so quickly, our kids are grown before we have chance to process it all . She will have spent her child’s early life being nasty and scarring him, chasing another “dream” baby.

I think I would kindly sit her down and tell her you are worried. That little “child” needs his mummy and dh his lovely wife, and you are so worried for her right now. She is risking it all, and in the end dh will only take so much then he will leave her.

Trauma is growing up with an abuse and witnessing abuse.

She donest get to use her sadness to abuse 2 people
She stops being the victim then.
I absolutly would sell an abuser down the river and not give a fuck if it meant protecting a child.

This is unfortunately absolutely true. Luckily in this case it doesn’t particularly matter as no one meaningfully affected by/ involved in the real life situation is on this thread. so it’s just a generalised, nasty, women-hating bitch fest, but unlikely to cause any direct harm to the situation being discussed .

@Tandora fair, it was the other poster that said what had he done to provoke the reaction

That being said you have commented claiming third hand info is unreliable - how would you feel if a female friend told a female friend she was being abused, would you claim third hand info wasn't enough?

A man has reached out to his male friend and made accusations of abuse. His friend has shared this with his wife. His wife has asked for advice, and yet you feel the need to say we can't share advice supporting the husband because we can't trust his claims. If a woman spoke of abuse it would be disgusting to doubt her claims.

how would you feel if a female friend told a female friend she was being abused, would you claim third hand info wasn't enough?

if a friend told me, her partner told her, that her friend had called upset about her husbands behaviour in their marriage , I honestly wouldn’t have much to contribute, seeing as I would have sweet f’all knowledge of what was going on in that relationship.

please note, the only people making accusations of “abuse” are random posters on this thread.

Thank you for the advice @Talkwhilstyouwalk

@pippabg ps congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️❤️. Please don’t let this thread get you down xxx

@Tandora fine let's be pedantic. A female friend tells a female friend her partner throws plates at her and screams at her because they failed to conceive that month. Rather than think "oh this sounds like abuse" we should question the woman's account?

Why is the defualt position to assume this guy is telling lies?

I didn’t say he was telling lies- we don’t even know what he bloomin said- this is third hand information. Do you understand the principle of hearsay and why it’s inadmissible in a court of law?

I thought OP already clarified no plates were broken or thrown at him? Just food on the floor. This is exactly why third hand info is not reliable, people mishear/ misconstrue/ misinterpret / project their own spin onto what someone has said. By the time it’s passed through several people its meaning may have changed entirely, and be very far removed from the reality of the situation at hand .

Last i checked MN wasn't a court of law ffs. I'm taking the OP posts in good faith (otherwise what's the bloody point of reading and replying) and OP is taking her friend's worries in good faith. That's all anyone here can do as none of us know OP or her friend.