Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

1000 replies

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:08

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
SarahSmith2023 · 16/05/2023 07:10

...and?

CheeseTouch · 16/05/2023 07:11

I don’t think it’s sad necessarily, but it is unrealistic unless they are already financially comfortable.

Sissynova · 16/05/2023 07:12

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Why? You sound way over invested in the love life of your son’s friend.

Plenty of women chose to be a stay at home parent. It’s not the most popular option now but it’s valid. It also has nothing to do with you.

Maybe redirect your judgment to watching a soap or something instead of sitting on the sidelines of someone’s life with your bowl of popcorn.

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2023 07:12

Sounds like she wants to be a footballer's wife.

thimblgattle167 · 16/05/2023 07:15

You can be a stay at home mum and a good role model!

Isthisexpected · 16/05/2023 07:16

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2023 07:12

Sounds like she wants to be a footballer's wife.

She's happy to move to a cheaper area and isn't materialistic.

There's nothing wrong with her preference if they could afford it. There were a lot less social problems when mothers didn't have to work full time to support the family.

musixa · 16/05/2023 07:17

There might be all kinds of reasons for this. It's an unwise position to take because she'll leave herself financially vulnerable if she finds a man to take her up on this - especially if she is quitting work on marriage to be a 'housewife' rather than to be a SAHM. I imagine she won't find it as easy as she thinks to find a man who is prepared to go along with this plan, especially not if the man must also tick the usual boxes in terms of compatibility, attractiveness etc.

However, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, this is your friend's son's ex girlfriend, so your connection is very tenuous.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 16/05/2023 07:18

Well she's chosen a lifestyle and is trying to find someone to provide it for her.
Atleast she's honest.

Nothing wrong with wanting something. Doesn't mean she'll get it. At 23 she still has a lot to learn.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/05/2023 07:18

this is your friend's son's ex girlfriend

Quite. Why is it enough of your business to even want to come on here and stag her off?

SunnySaturdayMorning · 16/05/2023 07:19

YABU. It’s a perfectly valid choice if both partners agree.

Tayegete · 16/05/2023 07:19

Wouldn’t everyone like to sit at home supported by another adult? However that makes you a child not an adult. She didn’t say stay at home mum, she said stay at home wife. I’d encourage both of my DC to run for the hills as well if someone (of either sex) wasn’t prepared to work.

jeaux90 · 16/05/2023 07:19

My advice to any young woman is to focus on their financial independence before anything else. Time and time again we see women stuck in abusive relationships because they simply can't afford to leave.

I would never nod along with a young woman who simply wants to stay at home and not work.

icelollycraving · 16/05/2023 07:20

I can’t imagine being this interested in this unless it was my son tbh.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 07:20

thimblgattle167 · 16/05/2023 07:15

You can be a stay at home mum and a good role model!

She hasn't said SAHM, she's said SAHW. No mention of when kids arrive, just after she's married.

mrshenny · 16/05/2023 07:20

I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM when I had kids, it's not forever, they'll grow and I'll go back to work. It depends really whether she means she never wants to work or wants to be a SAHM when she's had children (for however long that works for them) and then work. I love being a SAHM!

But ultimately it's none of your business, it's a valid choice so long as parents can afford it. Also at least she was honest about how she felt and that gave your friends son opportunity to 'opt out'.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 16/05/2023 07:20

Isthisexpected · 16/05/2023 07:16

She's happy to move to a cheaper area and isn't materialistic.

There's nothing wrong with her preference if they could afford it. There were a lot less social problems when mothers didn't have to work full time to support the family.

Have you any evidence at all for this patriarchal, paternalistic claptrap ?

MakesMeFeelSad · 16/05/2023 07:20

There's no mention of children though, she just wants to get married and not work which is a bit odd.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2023 07:21

You find it 'sad' that someone makes different life choices to you? How arrogant and superior.

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:21

Sissynova · 16/05/2023 07:12

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Why? You sound way over invested in the love life of your son’s friend.

Plenty of women chose to be a stay at home parent. It’s not the most popular option now but it’s valid. It also has nothing to do with you.

Maybe redirect your judgment to watching a soap or something instead of sitting on the sidelines of someone’s life with your bowl of popcorn.

I know lots of parents do stay at home but she is not a parent.
As a mother of a teenage daughter I am interested but I want her to not be dependant.
I guess if you think a.man will give you financial security.

The reality is noone will but yourself.
However it is a great age to build your own security rather than rely on someone else.

OP posts:
Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:22
  • am interested and want my daughter to be independent.
OP posts:
Comedycook · 16/05/2023 07:22

It's a dreadful and unfair desire... although understandable in some ways. Of course the idea of not working is appealing to many. Time to relax, exercise, pursue hobbies, have time to spend on yourself etc. But it's an utterly stupid idea especially when you are young. Relationships end. Her entire lifestyle would be at the mercy of a man. But besides, I don't think many men are prepared to live like this anymore.
I think she's probably seen too much shite on social media.

I say this as someone who hasn't worked for over a decade.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 16/05/2023 07:22

It is unusual but I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong. Plus she’s not expecting a life of luxury, she’s happy to settle with less financially to be with her dc which is quite sweet actually. It certainly wouldn’t put me off a potential dil.

If you’d asked me before kids if I wanted to be a sahm I’d have been horrified but when my pfb came along I loved being with him and it seemed a natural choice. My dm was worried as she had always worked and been independent but she soon realised that it was the right thing for me and dc. Fortunately dh didn’t leave me destitute (although tbh he’d have struggled as I’ve always managed our finances) and I’m now back at work in a job I love but I’m so glad I got to be with my dc so much when they were young.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

This was unnecessary and quite judgemental. As a pp said you seem very invested in the choices of your ‘friends son’s girlfriend’. It might be worth examining exactly why this bothers you so much.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 07:23

Plenty of women chose to be a stay at home parent. It’s not the most popular option now but it’s valid. It also has nothing to do with you

Did you even read the thread?

Stay at home wife. Not stay at home mum.

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:23

Neurodiversitydoctor · 16/05/2023 07:20

Have you any evidence at all for this patriarchal, paternalistic claptrap ?

Exactly this.
Life is easier if are not financially dependant on anyone.

OP posts:
Bluemuf · 16/05/2023 07:24

It was a completely normal expectation not that long ago.....and you've only heard one version of this story.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.