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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

1000 replies

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:08

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2023 07:24

Isthisexpected · 16/05/2023 07:16

She's happy to move to a cheaper area and isn't materialistic.

There's nothing wrong with her preference if they could afford it. There were a lot less social problems when mothers didn't have to work full time to support the family.

She's happy to move to a cheaper area and isn't materialistic.

Great. She can cast her net wider than the premier league then.

There's nothing wrong with her preference if they could afford it.

Having a preference NEVER to work is certainly a bit unusual for this day and age, and I suspect, probably ANY age.

There were a lot less social problems when mothers didn't have to work full time to support the family.

Leaving aside the highly problematic aspect of linking "social problems" to WOMEN working outside of the home, this girl hasn't said anything about being a SAMH, has she? She's talking about being a stay at home wife, from the word go, in her marriage.

InDubiousBattle · 16/05/2023 07:24

Is this just a convoluted way of starting a thread to have a bash at SAHP and/or reaffirm your own choices? Otherwise surely it's just a case if two people splitting up because they have different outlooks and goals?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 07:25

Plus she’s not expecting a life of luxury, she’s happy to settle with less financially to be with her dc which is quite sweet actually.

Did you read? No DC, she wants to be a stay at home wife. That's not quite sweet, that's pure laziness.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 07:26

This thread is like pulling teeth. She doesn't want to be a sahm...she wants to be stay at home wife.

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2023 07:27

Is this just a convoluted way of starting a thread to have a bash at SAHP and/or reaffirm your own choices?

How can it be a thread bashing SAHP when it's about a woman who doesn't want to work again after marriage? Children haven't been mentioned. She doesn't want to work once she's got a ring on her finger. No idea whether she wants kids.

musixa · 16/05/2023 07:27

Plus she’s not expecting a life of luxury, she’s happy to settle with less financially to be with her dc

People are missing that there are no DC in the question - she want to stop working when she gets married.

Wanting to marry someone who would be able and willing, in the future, to be the earner while she was a SAHM is a totally different proposition from wanting to be a 'housewife' from the moment she is a wife.

Justleaveitblankthen · 16/05/2023 07:28

You sound overly invested in this?

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2023 07:28

I defy any parent who would not tell their son (or daughter) to run like fuck in the face of a partner declaring they never want to work again from the moment they're married.

DemBonesDemBones · 16/05/2023 07:29

So?

DucksNewburyport · 16/05/2023 07:29

Being a SAHP - fine (if both partners agree).

Not working at all after marriage - not surprised he is running for the hills!

SpecialControlGroup · 16/05/2023 07:29

Plenty of women chose to be a stay at home parent

She doesn't have children, she wants to just stay home because she is married and doesn't feel she should have to work as a result

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/05/2023 07:29

thimblgattle167 · 16/05/2023 07:15

You can be a stay at home mum and a good role model!

They don't have any children though.

drpet49 · 16/05/2023 07:30

Tayegete · 16/05/2023 07:19

Wouldn’t everyone like to sit at home supported by another adult? However that makes you a child not an adult. She didn’t say stay at home mum, she said stay at home wife. I’d encourage both of my DC to run for the hills as well if someone (of either sex) wasn’t prepared to work.

This.

HappilyContentTheseDays · 16/05/2023 07:30

Now this is an interesting discussion..... Mostly because of the concept that a woman wanting to stay at home and not work wants to be "looked after by a man".

My experience of staying at home (before I went out to work and eventually divorced) was that staying at home meant looing after the husband! He did nothing, absolutely nothing, wouldn't have even been able to open a tin never mind do anything around the home....and I certainly wouldn't have asked him to anyway. I worked bloody hard, morning, noon and night, and more so when the children came along.

When I eventually saw sense and finally went to work myself, it gave me freedom, indendance, my own money and most of all a sense of my own self.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 07:30

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2023 07:28

I defy any parent who would not tell their son (or daughter) to run like fuck in the face of a partner declaring they never want to work again from the moment they're married.

Exactly. I certainly would and I'd give my sons friends my opinion too.

RandyMiceDavies · 16/05/2023 07:31

There are men out there who would welcome this- she just needs to find one of them. Sadly, such men are generally controlling arseholes and she’ll have no resources if she wants to leave, so it’s not a great plan.

pokabubble · 16/05/2023 07:31

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:22

  • am interested and want my daughter to be independent.

Fine. Then encourage your daughter to be independent but don't go slagging off some randomer

caringcarer · 16/05/2023 07:31

I think there is a big difference in being a stay at home Mum caring for young pre school children and being a stay at home wife with no children.

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:31

Makes you financially vulnerable.

Open to abuse.

I would not want my daughter or any woman to be in this situation.

OP posts:
Cazelet · 16/05/2023 07:31

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:08

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Gosh. Maybe get a hobby OP?

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:32

RandyMiceDavies · 16/05/2023 07:31

There are men out there who would welcome this- she just needs to find one of them. Sadly, such men are generally controlling arseholes and she’ll have no resources if she wants to leave, so it’s not a great plan.

This.

OP posts:
pokabubble · 16/05/2023 07:33

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:31

Makes you financially vulnerable.

Open to abuse.

I would not want my daughter or any woman to be in this situation.

Yes fine, again, encourage your daughter. But why decide this randomer is worth posting about and disecting their life choices?

DeflatedAgain · 16/05/2023 07:33

I've worked and built a career, but in all honesty I don't care about my career anymore want to work for a while if I can. My DS is 5 months old and the thought of a full time job again is agony to my heart.

Realistically I'll go back part time till he's a little older. If DH earned enough for me to be a SAHM I would secretly love it 👀

CabbagePatchDole · 16/05/2023 07:34

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:08

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Perhaps her craving isn’t so much for a man but to have her kids experience the security of having a mum at home. Perhaps her
m was absent a lot due to being a single working parent and she felt that was a hardship for her as a kid. I can relate to that, although it had the opposite effect on me: seeing my mum work so hard made me want to emulate her and progress in my chosen career.

CheersForThatEh · 16/05/2023 07:34

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:31

Makes you financially vulnerable.

Open to abuse.

I would not want my daughter or any woman to be in this situation.

It's a risk, not a guarantee.

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