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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be appalled and upset by this

200 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 19:43

So I split with my kids dad over 10 years ago . We have an okay relationship now. He remarrried and I get on well with his wife.
Anyway she text me at the weekend and asked if we could meet as she had something to tell me. I was a bit curious. . Anyway we met for a coffee - and she told me that my ex had told her that while we were on our honeymoon he went off for a massage and had a happy ending . He said he got carried away. She said it’s made her look at him in a different light and she thought I should know. I’ve moved on - but for some reason it’s really upset me. I feel like our marriage was a sham . It was our honeymoon ffs . I thought we were having great sex-silly me.I don’t think she’s lying . I really don’t. I don’t know why it’s bothered me so much. I’m happy now.

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 17/05/2023 22:01

Yeah I’m not buying that innocent motivation either.

Perhaps she was enjoying sharing a juicy bit of gossip? It wasn’t her honeymoon, it was something her husband admitted doing what(?) 20 odd years ago when with an ex? Who knows why he confessed? Perhaps it was something he made clear he deeply regretted.

It was a bit attention seeking to contact op at the weekend to let her know there was “something she needed to tell her” and leave her hanging.

The whole revelation is in bad taste.

Original poster

bagpuss90 · 18/05/2023 18:08

Well I’m meeting her again this Saturday . I know …. I’ve got so many questions tho. I want to put this this to bed

OP posts:

KatieP8 · 18/05/2023 21:26

bagpuss90 · 18/05/2023 18:08

Well I’m meeting her again this Saturday . I know …. I’ve got so many questions tho. I want to put this this to bed

What for OP?!
Noooo!!!

Isthisexpected · 18/05/2023 22:11

Oh dear. I really wish she'd kept it to herself now. You're never going to find peace with this.

Grumpy67i8 · 18/05/2023 22:18

You need to ask him, not her.

Ellyess · 19/05/2023 12:05

I understand all of you who are, "not buying that innocent explanation" for the current partner's insensitive revelation. Most of us would not dream of disturbing someone's life with this kind of distressing news. Obviously we cannot tell exactly why she did, but I was influenced by the OP's descriptions of her.

I saw different people in Counselling and I do know some people who would think it was their duty to 'tell the truth to the person concerned'. I would counsel them to think how would it affect them, why reveal this after so many years have passed what does it matter today? What benefit is it to her today to receive this terrible blow? Can they be sure it is true and not said to be upsetting? etc. But some people have rigid ideas about what is right and really do think they have to do things like this. I certainly agree with those who say it does no good but only harm and should be left unsaid.

I also suspect the ex may well have expected his current Partner to tell his first wife. He must know her pretty well by now and knows her feelings about openness plus her relationship with his ex. It could be a calculated attack from him. He may even have made it up! I also think this current partner of his is feeling insecure in the relationship and her only friend in this situation, as she sees it, is his first wife.

It upsets me that our OP has been upset like this. She sounds very level-headed, I do hope she can sort this out and get on with her life soon.

Ellyess · 19/05/2023 12:11

bagpuss90 I suggest you write your list of questions and take it with you. It's easy for your mind to go blank or for the other person to talk a lot so you can't get your questions covered.
Unlike others, I think it is a good idea to meet her so long as you feel ok. You do need answers. Good luck and my prayers are with you. Sending lots of love.

AdamRyan · 19/05/2023 12:25

bagpuss90 · 18/05/2023 18:08

Well I’m meeting her again this Saturday . I know …. I’ve got so many questions tho. I want to put this this to bed

Good luck OP, try not to get drawn into being their marriage counsellor. I really think she's caught him using escorts tho....

Ellyess · 19/05/2023 12:35

AdamRyan Indeed!

whynotwhatknot · 19/05/2023 15:03

well thailand has a reputation thats all im saying

hope it all works out still doubt her motives though

SmileyClare · 19/05/2023 17:19

I think it’s a good idea (to meet friend) as long as you feel ok

Op’ s already said she feels traumatised and completely humiliated, which isn’t feeling ok.

And writing a list of questions and taking it with her?
How will the wife answer those? Do you think she should go home and grill her husband like some sort of Go between ?

Presumably she’s told her all she knows? I mean if the dh did express regret surely she would have passed that information on already? What else is there to know.

Id advise op to let her friend know how upset and embarrassed she feels about this revelation.

As a pp suggested perhaps the friend thinks she’s being helpful- a completely misjudged act of virtuosity in my view.

I think she needs to be aware how much drama and hurt she’s has caused for a friend.

Unless she leaves her dh then she’s simply sending a message that although op’s marriage had faults, hers is fine

Op must feel completely humiliated. I think it’s best all round to leave this and not dig around opening up old wounds.

penni00 · 19/05/2023 19:13

Perhaps OP should keep questions to a minimum, so that there is time for her to think about the wife's responses before getting too heavily into it all.

It would bug me, and I get why the OP wants to find out more. If it were me, I would tread carefully, and perhaps have various other conversations, then bring into the conversation this issue. I would simply ask why the wife told her about it, and what was she expecting. Was she hoping for help etc. Then after that, I would be tempted to drop the subject. Then when home there would be time to reflect on what was said, and a decision could be made as to whether to ignore the whole thing or take it further.

Tread carefully with poking that wasp's nest - it may not need to be poked at all. Poking could cause irreversible damage to OP's amicable relationship with her ex, and impact the children.

yourenottheboss · 19/05/2023 19:56

Interested as to why you're meeting up with her?

It's all in the past!

winterchills · 19/05/2023 20:44

Vile man 😡😡

Original poster

bagpuss90 · 21/05/2023 20:32

So we met up yesterday . Basically she’s found out that my ex is seeing escorts. I asked her why she didn’t tell me this. She said she was still trying to process it-I get that. He told her it’s something he has always done . Hence the honeymoon story coming out . He saw escorts throughout our marriage . I honestly had no clue. I can see why some blokes might but I thought we had a good sex life.I feel really stupid , naive so many things. I’m bloody glad he’s my ex. I actually feel really sorry for her .

OP posts:

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 21/05/2023 21:25

That's lousy news but at least you are one step removed from it.

I'm struggling to understand why you are feeling stupid. Decent people, like yourself, expect decency from others too. The thoughts of behaving like his does are so far removing ftom your thinking because you treat people well & respectfully. Men like him don't advertise what they are like - they are devious, secretive and master manipulators. You weren't stupid & didn't miss it - he deliberately kept it hidden.

She seems like a decent person too, just understandably trying to get her head around it too.

He, on the other hand, seems like no loss to either of you - a cheating compulsive liar who convincing lied to both if you while risking your health.

In time, there will probably be a third partner and he'll do the same to her too - his type never change.

penni00 · 21/05/2023 21:47

OP, this all makes sense. She was putting a toe in the water to see about reaching out to you. You must still feel shocked even so, it is a weird feeling having spent so many years with a person who you didn't really 'know'. I would feel sorry for the wife too, it is even worse for her to find out whilst actually married and living with him still. I think she must be very confused, and perhaps felt too awkward/ashamed/humiliated to seek anyone else out to share this with. I hope all goes okay for you with your ex and children, and that the new wife works out how to deal with this.

whynotwhatknot · 22/05/2023 11:34

so sorry op-is she going to leave him?

AdamRyan · 22/05/2023 15:20

bagpuss90 · 21/05/2023 20:32

What an absolute scumbag and poor her. Its hard because she probably won't want to discuss with friends/family and will be looking for support. She may have assumed you knew and that's why you divorced.

It must be a shock for you too

Original poster

bagpuss90 · 22/05/2023 17:57

Thanks for your kind words everyone . I think I just feel stupid for not picking up on something . But he was obviously very clever

OP posts:

AdamRyan · 22/05/2023 19:17

You aren't stupid for trusting your husband. This is all on him.

SmileyClare · 22/05/2023 20:10

I think you’ve been put in a very difficult position op.
I still think it would have been kinder to leave you blissfully unaware of your exh’s misdemeanours during your own marriage. That information is not helpful to you.

Perhaps she felt it her “duty” to tell you? I think she’s misjudged that and not considered your feelings.

Clearly his wife wants someone on side or perhaps supporting her through her marital issues. Is the mother of her husband’s children the right person to dump all this on? I don’t think so.

Fair enough if you’re close enough friends- she could have confided in you about her husband’s infidelity without it involving your marriage too?

Its undoubtedly affected the amicable parenting relationship you have with your ex so opened a can of worms for you and potentially your dc.

However, it’s done- can open, worms everywhere!

You sound very sympathetic and want to console your friend but think carefully about how much you can give of yourself to support your ex’s wife through a marital breakdown and whether you are too emotionally involved / linked to your ex to do this?

I would encourage her to confide in friends and family so that the onus of “support network” isn’t placed entirely on your shoulders.

You are trying to process this news yourself so don’t feel guilty for stepping back and employing some self preservation here x

RhiWrites · 22/05/2023 20:22

Cannot understand the comments here. I think OP deserved to know. It’s part of the history of her marriage, a missing piece of information. Thankfully she seems to have escaped without an STD, but she absolutely has the right to know.

Why are people calling the second wife names? She has a good relationship with OP and they have both been married to this man. They are part of the same sisterhood.

SmileyClare · 22/05/2023 20:47

I cannot understand the comments. Op deserved to know

Why did she deserve to know? What positives come out of knowing?

I find the stance “people deserve to know the truth” whatever the fall out quite difficult to understand!

Its often the result of some sort of compulsion to be virtuous and stick to a moral code (or girl code) which in some circumstances doesn’t need to be applied.

Upsetting the apple cart has long reaching consequences- it’s not always the sisterly thing to do.

I would consider whether any good can be achieved by dredging up upsetting revelations from a marriage which was over a decade ago.

Op is now trying to process this news while simultaneously trying to support her ex’s wife and maintain some sort of amicable communication with the father of her dc.

AdamRyan · 22/05/2023 22:38

I h9bestly think the current wife suspected she already did know and wanted to find out.

I'm half expecting a similar convo from my ex's other half a few years down the line. I doubt very much he's told her the real reason we split - if she does ever approach me then I'd support her. But that's from a position of it being ancient history to me. However this woman is not to know that her husband didn't tell his wife. In fact as someone upthread said, the husband could very well have said OP knew and was fine with it (or any amount of other bollocks justification, such as not getting any at home)

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