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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled and upset by this

200 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 19:43

So I split with my kids dad over 10 years ago . We have an okay relationship now. He remarrried and I get on well with his wife.
Anyway she text me at the weekend and asked if we could meet as she had something to tell me. I was a bit curious. . Anyway we met for a coffee - and she told me that my ex had told her that while we were on our honeymoon he went off for a massage and had a happy ending . He said he got carried away. She said it’s made her look at him in a different light and she thought I should know. I’ve moved on - but for some reason it’s really upset me. I feel like our marriage was a sham . It was our honeymoon ffs . I thought we were having great sex-silly me.I don’t think she’s lying . I really don’t. I don’t know why it’s bothered me so much. I’m happy now.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 15/05/2023 21:52

I think she’s an absolute cow for yelling you this and agree she’s doing it because she wants to upset the relationship you have with ex. I think I’d ask ex if it’s true because she could well be making it up.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2023 21:56

Confused5678 · 15/05/2023 21:30

I don’t think she told you this out of mallice . I think she wants support . But that’s just a guess.

This.

I also suspect it's her way of telling you she may not be your children's step mum forever, and warning you there may be some sort of unpleasant atmosphere in dad's house next time they go there.

hareagain · 15/05/2023 21:56

LookOutBandits · 15/05/2023 19:52

Tell her you've had a think about it and you've decided that it doesn't matter.

Yes. This.

Booklover40 · 15/05/2023 22:02

littleripper · 15/05/2023 20:28

So many weird responses.....
DH cheats with a sex worker whilst on honeymoon and everyone is livid with his NEW WIFE who is horrified and clearly got the ick so shared it.

I'd want to know, and I'd be really grateful that she has told me and not protected him. Sounds like she has been a great step mum and is not a bitch, shit stirrer or cunt at all to me.

This.

I don't get all the "oh what a cunt she is" posts either.

OP says they get along really well - clearly this woman sees her as a friend and thought she should know exactly what a twat he is. He deserves to have everyone know what a seedy, lying bastard he is - why should it be kept a secret from the woman he was cheating on? I would want to know personally. Now you really know what kind of man he is Op - one that cheats on his brand new wife on their Honeymoon.

I hope the SM chucks him out - sounds like she has massively got the Ick and for very good reason.

SarahSmith2023 · 15/05/2023 22:05

@bagpuss90

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

given you've got on well until now, I'd meet her asap for another coffee & ask her why she thought you needed to know that.

the same as you would with any other friend.

ejbaxa · 15/05/2023 22:07

It just shows that you are well rid of him.

As to why she told you, I expect she needed to tell someone who would understand because she is struggling with it. She is in a difficult position as she's married to the twat. Although it was a shitty thing for you to hear, you will get over it easier than her, as you are not the one who has to live with this turd.

YouWonJayne · 15/05/2023 22:09

I’d be furious purely because he put your sexual health at a huge risk. Knob head.

Fancy telling his new OH that!

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 15/05/2023 22:10

bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 20:01

I want to know more . I was so shocked when she told me . There’s loads of stuff I wish I’d asked

No, no, no! Really, do not dredge up all this ancient history. You divorced this man a decade ago, why would you want to revisit all that old pain and disappointment?

I would be very suspicious about her motivations for telling you this. This woman is not your friend. If she's regretting her choice of husbands that's her problem; you've moved on.

PaigeMatthews · 15/05/2023 22:11

ejbaxa · 15/05/2023 22:07

It just shows that you are well rid of him.

As to why she told you, I expect she needed to tell someone who would understand because she is struggling with it. She is in a difficult position as she's married to the twat. Although it was a shitty thing for you to hear, you will get over it easier than her, as you are not the one who has to live with this turd.

This. she gets on with you and knows youll know how she feels.

And misery loves company, clearly.

hopeishopeless · 15/05/2023 22:13

YouWonJayne · 15/05/2023 22:09

I’d be furious purely because he put your sexual health at a huge risk. Knob head.

Fancy telling his new OH that!

We don't know what the "happy ending" was, though. Did he just ejaculate because he was so turned on by having a massage, or did he shag a "masseuse" (i.e. sex worker )? One is risking STDs (though probably not, in fact, if it was sex with a sex worker). The other definitely isn't.

YouWonJayne · 15/05/2023 22:14

hopeishopeless · 15/05/2023 22:13

We don't know what the "happy ending" was, though. Did he just ejaculate because he was so turned on by having a massage, or did he shag a "masseuse" (i.e. sex worker )? One is risking STDs (though probably not, in fact, if it was sex with a sex worker). The other definitely isn't.

Show quote history

I can’t say I’m well versed in happy endings 😆 but if it was oral sex or vaginal sex it would have been risking her sexual health

Booklover40 · 15/05/2023 22:14

SarahSmith2023 · 15/05/2023 22:05

@bagpuss90

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

given you've got on well until now, I'd meet her asap for another coffee & ask her why she thought you needed to know that.

the same as you would with any other friend.

So if your friend told you that your ex-dh had informed her that he'd visited a sex worker for a hand job on your honeymoon - you would take her for a coffee and ask her "why she felt the need to tell you that"?

Really? You would rather your friend keep that information to herself?

I don't understand this attitude at all. Men get away with shit like this when people keep quiet about it "so as not to rock the boat" or "not get involved". If I found out information like this I would definitely tell my friend, and I'd expect them to do the same.

MrsKeats · 15/05/2023 22:21

I wonder whether the new wife is thinking of leaving and wants to scope out how that might go as you are divorced from the ex.
I think she's been shocked by this and wants to see if he's done other stuff you might tell her.
I don't think she's done this lightly.

Floralys2 · 15/05/2023 22:27

Hi Bagpuss, thought you'd like to know that your ex got a handjob ten years ago

Right what else shall we talk about, Covid, the coronation, maybe the energy crisis

tolerable · 15/05/2023 22:35

ok.I can understand why she would reassess her view of him.
NOT why she told you. ...its nice you get along\bin fine for kids.i like that
it ends there tho.amicable is not same as confident/friend. Especially delivering your (historical oblivion)business....
sure-she maybe not making it up....sure...hes rating as super yuk....
your reaction is fair.
the "new"knowledge is pointless..i doubt she told you to reopen any kinda wound...what would be purpose in that? She defo has some sorta motive tho. Possible allignment support for her next move? what possible benefit did she think informing you would have for you?? so.....whersit going...????
WHAT if-you call him meet for coffee n say...Your wife told me massage\end story.Its knocked me off my perch a little.YOU are the common denominator-so -whats occuring? .....unless-you feel more comfortable request same of her/both together??
NOTHING in your post indicates she hit you with malice... ex always for reasons. HER discovering she isnt fully sold on him didnt require rocking your boat.
Focus on ALL the positives. stay happy...dont let em drag you into this.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 15/05/2023 22:45

I don’t condone what happened. I abhor cheating and affairs in any form… but I really don’t understand why she told you this! You aren’t with him anymore and frankly it’s very odd!

Ihatepickingausername3 · 15/05/2023 22:52

Booklover40 · 15/05/2023 22:14

So if your friend told you that your ex-dh had informed her that he'd visited a sex worker for a hand job on your honeymoon - you would take her for a coffee and ask her "why she felt the need to tell you that"?

Really? You would rather your friend keep that information to herself?

I don't understand this attitude at all. Men get away with shit like this when people keep quiet about it "so as not to rock the boat" or "not get involved". If I found out information like this I would definitely tell my friend, and I'd expect them to do the same.

Show quote history

But she’s not really a friend. She’s her ex partners new partner. That’s why I would be asking myself why she’s told me that

whynotwhatknot · 15/05/2023 22:57

Did he say why she told you its weird

where were you on honeymoon

MySoCalledWife · 15/05/2023 22:59

Yes, she really thought you ought to know.

She really thought it important to know that your relationship with him never meant anything

That it was all a sham

It is important that you know that, and also for her to know that his relationship with HER is obviously the real deal

But yeah babe, sorry but what you thought was love was a sham, and that is so sad for you (obviously he would never do that to HER because their relationship is real...)

Yeah, she has no agenda. She has your best interest at heart.

MySoCalledWife · 15/05/2023 23:01

In case my sarcasm was not clear: she's trying to do you down, and she is not your friend

Startyabastard · 15/05/2023 23:09

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 15/05/2023 19:46

She sounds like an absolute cunt.

Literally the only reason for telling you that was to make you feel like shit, and upset the amicable arrangement you all have.

Take a while to process this, it's been a shock, I get that, and distance yourself from her.

Yes. She didn't need to tell you. Sounds like malice whether it be true or not.
Anyone would be sad because you were married once.@

Wheresthebeach · 15/05/2023 23:20

I wonder if she’s deeply shocked and trying to process it all. It would change everything for me and I wonder if she was trying to find out if you know if he’s used sex workers in the past. The whole things bizarre-him telling her is insane. Did he think she wouldn’t care? It’s sounds like he was super casual and jokey about it

Asuitcase · 15/05/2023 23:30

The question also is why has he told his current wife this information.

He's upto something and trying to reveal his character.

I think she's wanting support.
Things are not well in their happy home.

Cordeliathecat · 15/05/2023 23:38

Stressybetty · 15/05/2023 20:27

Exactly, you'd only get that kind of service in a certain type of massage parlour! Unless he meant he got aroused without the masseuse realising 😕

Show quote history

This isn’t true. Unfortunately I’ve stayed at 5 star hotels around the world with disgusting male work colleagues who have had this service in the hotel spa.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 23:45

Goodoccasionallypoor
Thailand

OP posts: