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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled and upset by this

200 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 19:43

So I split with my kids dad over 10 years ago . We have an okay relationship now. He remarrried and I get on well with his wife.
Anyway she text me at the weekend and asked if we could meet as she had something to tell me. I was a bit curious. . Anyway we met for a coffee - and she told me that my ex had told her that while we were on our honeymoon he went off for a massage and had a happy ending . He said he got carried away. She said it’s made her look at him in a different light and she thought I should know. I’ve moved on - but for some reason it’s really upset me. I feel like our marriage was a sham . It was our honeymoon ffs . I thought we were having great sex-silly me.I don’t think she’s lying . I really don’t. I don’t know why it’s bothered me so much. I’m happy now.

OP posts:
Original poster
bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 20:05

tigger1001
I think she was really shocked and maybe did a knee jerk reaction. I don’t know …

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 15/05/2023 20:06

I think if you've always had a civil or even friendly relationship with her I would take it at face value that she told you in good faith.

If she's seen him in a different light it may well be that the scales have fallen and she sees you in a totally new way too.

We see it all the time that exs are deemed crazy and unreasonable, she is probably now seeing that you're not the bad guy and the realisation has led her to feel a solidarity with you.

For all she knows you've had in inkling for years that your ex had been unfaithful and she was able to confirm it for you and put that niggle to bed.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 20:08

im gonna find it bloody hard to talk to the ex now

OP posts:
thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 15/05/2023 20:08

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 15/05/2023 20:02

I think she might be genuinely thinking how the hell did I end up with this loser? And was probably hoping you would add to his list of flaws if she's considering leaving him and needs to get her head around it.

It's a pity you didn't reply "that's probably the least of his failings. I'm sure you can see why I got rid of him. I'm very sorry but he's your problem now".

This is where I sit in this. Divorced over 10 years and like you DC now make their own arrangements.

My friends, family and I all speculate on the ex's relationship. I have long wondered if she would contact me in this way to almost apologise for her part in the technical failure of my marriage. And to wonder how she could extricate herself. She's started - by moving 200 miles away. But yes - "I'm very sorry he's your problem now" is perfect. Truly perfect.

RandyMiceDavies · 15/05/2023 20:08

Something about this story doesn’t ring true. A massage with a happy ending happens because you’ve deliberately gone to a place that offers that and a lot more besides- it’s not something that’s related to getting “carried away” as if a normal massage might develop into a hand job. She’s made it sound like it was in the hotel spa Confused

So either he’s not being straight with her or she’s not being straight with you.

Frankieisbackfromhollywood · 15/05/2023 20:13

Yeah that’s not right, no reason really for her to tell you. The last person she needs marital support from is you. So something else has gone on, maybe he’s been seeing a prostitute now. Or she wanted to damage the relationship or she secretly is envious of you and think he still has feelings. Either way there is a reason she did this and it’s not a good one.

OuchIStubbedMyBigToe · 15/05/2023 20:15

So. She arranged to meet up with you for a coffee specifically to tell you this? Very odd. Ulterior motive for sure.

ShimmeringShirts · 15/05/2023 20:17

He’s a complete wanker, as you don’t really have contact with your ex and the kids sort their own arrangements out I couldn’t even put her telling you down to nastiness - was she maybe trying to give you a heads up that she’s gone off him and is thinking about leaving therefore the kids might go through some upheaval?

Wishimaywishimight · 15/05/2023 20:18

Why on earth would you need to know this? I don't understand why she told you, her motives were unkind if not malicious.

Treesoutsidemywindow · 15/05/2023 20:20

Make an arrangement to meet her again, and tell her now you've had time to process what she told you, you would like to know why she felt it necessary to drag up something which happened 10 years ago, and which has no bearing whatsoever on your life now. Maybe then she'll open up and tell you that she's having a tough time with him too, could be she looks upon you as some sort of friend and ally??

BSB30 · 15/05/2023 20:20

I don't understand why she told you that considering you were already divorced from him. That's rather odd.

Isthisexpected · 15/05/2023 20:21

drpet49 · 15/05/2023 19:56

This

Show quote history

Come off it. Of course it does. It's making OP question the story of the early years of her marriage and where it all went wrong that she's had written in her mind. It was in the past. It's stirred it all up.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 15/05/2023 20:22

Where was your honeymoon?

MammaTo · 15/05/2023 20:22

She sounds like a shit stirrer. Let it go and don’t bite to it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/05/2023 20:23

I can see no point whatsoever in her telling you.

greyhairnomore · 15/05/2023 20:24

MaggieBsBoat · 15/05/2023 19:47

WTF is a happy ending?
of course YANBU if it’s what it sounds like. How long has he been married to his second wife? Has she got any ulterior motive?
He sounds like a lowlife and you would both be well rid!!

When the masseuse wanks a man off at the end.

GoodChat · 15/05/2023 20:25

I think she just wanted someone she could talk to who wouldn't judge her if she stays with him. Her friends and family will all change their opinion of him if she tells them.

I completely understand why you're upset, but there's a reason why you split so I'd try and just be grateful you didn't have to deal with this while you were married.

rustypoon · 15/05/2023 20:27

The only person at fault here is your ex. From what you've said, she sounds like a decent person and just wanted to talk it over as she's now worried that he is the type to use prostitutes, etc.

Onelifeonly · 15/05/2023 20:27

Why did she need to tell you? Solidarity because you were once his partner? Maybe she thought you would sympathise and assumed you wouldn't be bothered as it was so long ago? Otherwise it seems hurtful and unnecessary. Surely she has other people she can confide in.

There again why did he tell her? Is it really true? Sounds vindictive and unnecessary for him too.

Stressybetty · 15/05/2023 20:27

RandyMiceDavies · 15/05/2023 20:08

Something about this story doesn’t ring true. A massage with a happy ending happens because you’ve deliberately gone to a place that offers that and a lot more besides- it’s not something that’s related to getting “carried away” as if a normal massage might develop into a hand job. She’s made it sound like it was in the hotel spa Confused

So either he’s not being straight with her or she’s not being straight with you.

Exactly, you'd only get that kind of service in a certain type of massage parlour! Unless he meant he got aroused without the masseuse realising 😕

DanceMonster · 15/05/2023 20:28

As it’s put her off him, I assume she’s left him?

littleripper · 15/05/2023 20:28

So many weird responses.....
DH cheats with a sex worker whilst on honeymoon and everyone is livid with his NEW WIFE who is horrified and clearly got the ick so shared it.

I'd want to know, and I'd be really grateful that she has told me and not protected him. Sounds like she has been a great step mum and is not a bitch, shit stirrer or cunt at all to me.

Starlitestarbright · 15/05/2023 20:29

Playing devil's advocate here could she suspect he's cheating on her and is concerned after his recent admission and wonders if you know of any other incidents?

littleripper · 15/05/2023 20:29

Stressybetty · 15/05/2023 20:27

Exactly, you'd only get that kind of service in a certain type of massage parlour! Unless he meant he got aroused without the masseuse realising 😕

Show quote history

That depends where you are in the world.

AdamRyan · 15/05/2023 20:31

Throwncrumbs · 15/05/2023 19:49

I would think that probably everything isn’t rosy on their marriage front..she’s seen him in a different light, maybe shes looking for ‘story’s’ from you!

I agree. I think she found out/suspects he's been using hookers and wants to know if you knew and didn't tell her, or if you didn't know.
I doubt it's anything to do with your relationship with him now. It is upsetting for both of you.